Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Two Posts in a Row!!

Well here it is, the unthinkable! Two posts - back to back WTF? Well what can i say, my mind is busy, really busy, and honestly its not getting much better. So might as well get some stuff off of my mind.

Bad luck happens in 3's so they say, and im at number 2 now... 3 might just actually kill me. My last post, im sure if you know me at all, know what im talking about. What can i say - i want my life back. It was almost as perfect as it could be, and i haven't been that happy, and that in love forever... How i ever fucked that up is still not clear, but god damn what i wouldn't give...  Then last night, can you believe my ex is moving away with my kids??? Well actually trying to move away with my kids. I don't want to impede her future, honestly, i don't care - and if it works for her, good job. BUT i have no intention of watching my kids move 4 hours away because it better suits her. Now, her argument is that if im ever accepted by the RCMP i will be moving anyway, so it shouldn't matter. My counter point is, im not accepted yet, AND i would be leaving - not leaving and taking the kids. So... Can she wait till the RCMP says yes? Will she wait? Oh and what happens if they say no?? I can't see where this is going to get anywhere but ugly. Listen, if all the ducks line up, than great... I get the RCMP job, she moves, kids are as happy as they can be expected to be. Win - win for everyone. Ok i know the boys lose a bit, but honestly a few years with only long weekends or holidays with dad will suck, but in the end dad having a job that pays almost 100k a year with a pension and benefits, will serve them much better later in life... We would lose now for what we gain later. BUT that is all if everything goes right... Doubtful. The reality of this situation is undeniable; if she wants to move for better weather, cheaper cost of living, better job opportunities, then go... But leave the boys behind. Why should they move neighborhoods, schools, lose friends, and change everything in their lives, so that she can see if she can make a go of it somewhere else. I can't join the RCMP, move to Fort Nowhere, and expect that she would let me take the boys away, so why does she think  she can do it to me??

Ok so recap time... First and foremost, i need to see if im going to get in the RCMP - no point in fighting with my ex to not move the kids if im going. Secondly, no point in trying to figure out how to make things work with you know who, if im leaving anyway. BUT, if at this moment i was asked to choose, and i knew i could get her back, and keep my kids close, honestly i think i might decline the RCMP... Wow, that does say a lot doesn't it.

Well, there it is. A very simple answer to all that has pulled me down... Obviously love and my kids are more important to me than a career. I mean, yes a good career and both, perfect, but if i had to choose one or the other - right this second... I choose her, i choose happy vs successful.  I would rather have my family and life than money and future security.

Boy i can't believe how much i've changed in the past 2 years - business and financial success was my total focus... Now its secondary to me being happy, secure, and having my loved ones close.

Monday, May 16, 2011

What to do...

Well once again i've waited far too long to make a post, no doubt i've left all of you in the dark so long that no one is reading this anymore. So i will continue to write for my sake only,  and perhaps it will help me sort the chaos of late that is swimming in my brain.

Recently i did the stupidest thing ever... I threw away something that was absolutely incredible. Yep, the best thing to happen to me in the last 6 years or so, and i just wasted it away like it was nothing. Now, after i settled down, thought it out and really reviewed my situation, i realize a few key points that i might have over looked in my life. First off, when you find happiness, and i mean real happiness, don't take it for granted. I most certain did. Secondly, i never thought i would ever fight and struggle again for something that could be fleeting, up until i lost it, and now want nothing more than to have it back. I've also discovered that regardless of caution, care or concern for a situation like this, i can't help but fully invest myself into it - no longer do i think i will be able to sit on the sidelines and wait to see what happens if i just let it happen. I think i will continually be stepping back and looking in to see what things really are.  Not over analytical but just to create a reference point. I know, this is all very cryptic but as i said in the very beginning this blog is for my brain, and perhaps your amusement. I know what im talking about, sorry if you don't. And maybe the biggest lesson here, the most important thing that one has to remember, especially in this current situation, is; it is not possible to show someone something that they don't want to see. You can say what you want, you can sell it as hard as you can, but in the end if others don't feel the same, there's not much you can do. So my point here is, if its good - really good, don't fuck it up.

There are several points in my life, that if given the opportunity to go back and change things, like most, i certainly would. BUT, the hardships and trials that i've been through have led me to what i recently had,  and if i were to turn back the clock, i honestly think it would be only far enough back to stop me from making this mistake. Maybe one day this will be a Hollywood story, of something great that was lost, and came full circle to being found again, but in truth its more a hope than a reality.  Like Hollywood; great stories, great emotion, mostly fantasy...