Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I don't know

No idea, nada, zilch. Something is wrong, somewhere, somehow, but like fuck i can put my finger on it. Its pissing me off to no end. Is it me? Is it my social life? Is it my station in life?Is it work? Am i tired of eating a shit sandwich... See right off the bat its BS. I don't eat a shit sandwich at work, its just work. just because I'm in a funk doesn't make it shit. Its an ok job, we've been through this. So what the fuck? Why o why is everything so shitty for me right now? Its like i can't find whatever it is i need to satiate my need for something more, different, something... I haven't seen the gym in over 3 weeks now, and haven't run in almost two, I'm eating because I'm bored, and can't sleep because something is picking at me. I'm tired all day from not sleeping, eating too much, and not exercising, and the whole fucking mess exists because there is something under my skin that is creating this whole shit show... But what?
I get pissed at the slightest little things right now, and the big things that i should be upset about, well i blow those so fucking out of proportion its ridiculous.  Maybe its just worse today than most days, but for some reason today seems to be the boiling point. Why should BS comments of Facebook set me off? Why is it that when i see particular people post stuff it makes me want to reach through the screen and smash them in the face? They didn't say anything to me or about me, but still there it is. Im fucking mad, frustrated, bored, pent up and just plain fucky.
Its been this way for awhile - actually longer then i'd like to admit. It hasn't been bad or really "front and centre", until this week, and truly today is the worst. Why can't i sort it out? Life isn't bad! I have a beautiful girlfriend, great kids, a business that isn't closing anytime soon, and a job that pays my mortgage. My friends are incredible and my health has been good (mental condition excluded). So what the fuck?
I know some of you will definitely think my OCD is running away here, but there is a billion little things in my world that i want to do - that i just haven't  done, and maybe that's the problem. there's just too much "stuff" left undone, that its surmounting in my head.  I want to clean my BBQ, i want to fix some dents in my walls. I want to paint my place, and i need to have my carpets re-kicked in (Ya that's right - new carpets 2 years ago and now they're getting "lumpy"), new light fixtures i bought 3 years ago still not installed, re-calking the shower, fixing the bathroom screen, or the burnt out bulb in the garage and outside the garage. The list just seems endless and getting bigger every day, but still i do my thing day in day out - and never get to any of it. Fuck! Never mind cleaning - i mean i keep my place clean, but i haven't washed walls, or polished fixtures or dusted in what feels like forever. I know its everyone's bitch - we all have the same problems, i guess i just can't handle mine. I feel kind of overwhelmed by having so much to do and never getting any of it done. And to be truthful i think my Ex's are haunting me way to hard these past months. NO its not what you think. My ex wife is apparently rolling in cash - no doubt growing pot - and it pisses me off. Not that i don't wish her well, or that i want her to have financial hardship - because i don't. I just don't think she deserves the easy ride. Its been her whole life - and well, i guess im jealous. And then there's the past girl friends - and NO again, im not crying at night and listening to Roy Orbison thinking of them. It's more like i find myself thinking about the "design" aspect of my past relationships. What was it that brought us together, what the fuck did i do to tear us apart? Will i continue being a fucking idiot? Was it me, both of us, or was it her? All the same regret BS that people think about. Why? Is there unfinished issues there as well? Are there things left undone that i need to do to let it rest in my head? Is it one more thing around my life i've been meaning to get to, that just never gets done?

Well thats that. I just spend the past 13 minutes pissing and moaning about so much trivial bullshit that i think i might just go kick myself in the ass and take a "harden the fuck up" pill. I don't know why i even blogged this BS, aside from the fact that now its out and i feel like i can breath. Just reading it over makes me want to retype the whole thing in "frustrated" font. I feel stupid and ashamed. 
Seriously, WTF is my problem?

Friday, June 1, 2012

Post Haste er, I mean Post Race

OK, so i did it. One race down, one to go. That's right, not sure if i mentioned it in previous posts, but I've decided two is all I'm going to do this  year. All this training just doesn't make Summer look like fun, so after the Tough Mudder in June, its all about beach Frisbee and fun. I'll still run, but not 15km a day kinda crap, and the gym will continue, but i really don't need the 5 day a week running schedule with gym work, kids, friends etc... Just all to much.
SO YA finished my first 1/2 Marathon with a time of 1:50:37!! Ya under 2 hours - which was my goal, and i set a personal best for the 10km mark - 48:22. All very exciting to me. 
Other things... I work too much. ya, i know we all do, but seriously i feel like its all i do these days. And when i get some time off, i try and do everything - because i don't do anything while im working, so when im done with time off im even more tired then when i needed the time off... Definitely a dilemma. When i will the lottery, im going to spend weeks sitting still - or at least try. :) FOOD! Food is killing me, or rather im using it to kill what could be the best chance at a flat stomach ever! I was in the locker room after hockey, and a team member says to me "dude, with all the running, sports, and gym time, how are you not in crazy awesome shape?" My response? Because i like food too much... But as i reflect on his words it definitely pointed things out to me. I burned 2200 calories in less than two hours during my marathon, and burn almost a 1000 playing hockey for two hours, how can i be eating more calories than im burning? Clearly its a food quality issue. As always, i will endeavor to improve that area, and most likely fail horribly at it. But at least some thought before i eat might help somewhere... Or not. Ruts... I hate them. Complacency is killing me. Bored, so fucking bored. I realize now that one of the reasons i do so many things is because i can't do one thing for too long. Jobs, i get good at them fast, perfect them (in my opinion), build procedures and guidelines so that whoever comes along can do relatively well in my absence - all because subconsciously i am planning my absence. I love my company, and want it to succeed. But after a few years i get lazy, i allow it to just "flow" and by the time i look back, i realize i left it to waffle in the wind. So now i double my efforts and without even noticing, im once again working more and more (see above). So anyway, now i look at my day job... Been there a year, like it, its ok money... And im losing my mind. I hate the same thing day in and day out. I feel like the second i get there in the morning im looking for a reason to leave. Maybe thats why i made a good outside salesman? When a job is challenging, when its difficult, stressful, demanding, plain frustrating and even miserable - i thrive! Its like all the extra crap keeps me engaged! But take away all the difficult stuff and put me on easy street - and i get complacent, lazy and downright bored. And one other thing about jobs/work... I don't need a pat on the back to say "good job". I don't really even want the recognition of being the "go to guy", or the favorite employee. As a matter of fact, i like being the guy in the shadows, who just gets it done, no stops, full goose no guvnor. But what i do need - what is the best way to keep me out of a rut? Pay me! Thats right, just like most people i really think i should be paid what i am worth. And i can say with some semblance of self pride - im worth a fuck of a lot! There is no more loyal employee than me. Give to me and I give back. I can't be swayed, i can't be shaken, i will defend my employer and do their bidding to almost every level. And  yet still, i find that my current employer knows it, takes advantage of that loyalty, knowing all the while they are getting a great deal on the financial end of the partnership.  Where am i going with this? No idea - maybe im thinking about getting a new job? Well im not looking, but if something fell on my lap, well... One thing i know for sure. I do not "negotiate" with employers. When i get an offer, and if its a good offer, i give my notice. I don't go and say  hey, i got offered a job, would you consider matching their offer? That door was closed long ago. If an employer feels that im worth the money, and just was being cheap, well good for them. Why is it that all of a sudden im worth more now, but when i wasn't offered a job, it was a fair wage? I have NEVER been offered a job, and used it as leverage to just get a better wage in my current job. If i have taken the time to discuss a new position, and actually considered leaving the job im in, its done. There is no going back and saying hey, sorry but my current employer matched your offer, so i can't go. As a matter of fact, i've actually turned down offers for more money from a current employer purely on principal. You had the opportunity to pay me well ,and you saved some cash - good for you... I hope you can replace me for even less money - good hunting!
Anyway, got a little lost on that tangent, just feeling kinda down and warn out and under appreciated, under paid, and tired... Maybe its time for a "staycation". Anyway, back to work, Later