Surprise!

     Unexpected surprises are the best. As a kid you get excited for Christmas, or when the Easter Bunny is coming, but with age comes knowledge and before we know it surprises tend to happen less and less, its a natural progression. As we start planning Christmas and chocolate bunny egg hunts, we become encompassed in creating surprise and wonder for others, never quite understanding we ourselves are giving up this magic in the process.  Its gradual enough over time that it's not a disappointment, rather a transition. We allow this to happen and for some silly reason never once fight to get the magic back. It's like some right of passage to adulthood. Santa isn't real, there is no magic rabbit of candy bringing. We console ourselves in the knowledge that our surprises come from efforts now. We get a raise, exciting, but expected - we work hard. We get birthday gifts, but we were expecting them, not ungratefully, but expected just the same. 

    I went for a coffee this early Saturday morning and i was happy. I was in fact, gruntled. (look it up :)). As I've stated in my previous posts, life is about collecting these times and putting them in that pie, and well - my pie is starting to look appealing again, finally. I sat in the drive through listening to music, inwardly reflecting waiting my turn and it started to occur to me that of all the things this year has brought to me, happiness hasn't really been a part of it, until recently. My life has been a pretty ugly struggle this past year or so, and well this last few months have been pretty solid! My company is doing amazing, my friends seem to be prospering, and my overall outlook is feeling pretty positive. As i continued to smile and reflect, i pulled forward and retrieved my tasty caffeinated beverage, and it was free! the person in front of me paid for my coffee! I know, big woop - this stuff happens right? It was at this exact moment it hit me. How did the person in front of me know I was happy? How did they know their little gesture of kindness was like icing on pretty much a perfect mood? Of course they didn't, to them it was just a kindness, but all the same, I was surprised! I quickly collected my ridiculously shocked self, and immediately insisted i pay for the people behind me, as of course i wanted to spread this joy. Turns out they ordered $22 worth of coffee... Ah, there's my usual life sparkling from the corner. 

    Driving away with my $22 cup of surprise, i still couldn't help smiling. It was then it occurred to me, all the self help bs books and sayings had in some sense a truth... Smiles are contagious, being positive brings positivity, and having a want for better, will in fact create the opportunity. Take my "free" coffee for instance. If i was in a shitty mood, it would have been a slight improvement, but not something worth writing about. But - add a huge smile, sprinkle in some leftovers from an amazing day, and bam - I'm spending $22 for a cup of coffee and still driving away like I've won something! 

    Make no mistake here, i have won something. I didn't work hard for it, i didn't see it coming. I merely created an environment to which i was open to opportunity. As children we squander these, expecting that they just happen all the time, but now as i am, i know better. In this mornings self reflective, expensive free coffee, joyful state, i recognize this feeling is special. What is happening right now is in fact special. It doesn't just happen, it doesn't repeat time and again. Free coffee happens, the realization that happiness is possible and can create more happiness is the surprise. You as you are, the gift. 

    Deep shit for a Saturday morning, but hey - its a nice surprise. :)

Well, i'm alive...

Fasten your seat belts kids, this is one hell of a ride...

       I guess the best place to start, is with the facts... 

1) I am drunk... Maybe a bit more than drunk...

2) My brain straight up, cannot be trusted in this state, to make any sort of conclusions, remember important facts or truths, or moreover be trusted to make closing arguments or decisions... But, here we are...

3) I am not a good person.

4) I am a good person.

5) Most everyone I know, has only seen one side. 

I, in most realities should be dead. Truth. With the lives I've lived, the crap I've climbed out of, and the absolute bum start I got, the odds were "forever NOT in my favor", yet here I am. In this quasi reflective state, still numb from any sadness or anger, I find the overwhelming feeling of neutrality somewhat comforting. That is to say, in some ridiculous sad and pathetic way, the fact that when I finally go to bed tonight, I won't "feel" something, anything. I won't be reflecting on a broken heart, never mind trying pathetically to find the cure to my hearts poor beaten path, knowing full well there isn't one. I won't lie there, scroll through social media and leer at the newest post, or more followers she has. I will in fact, lie down and close my eyes, and in the darkness try to FEEL the emptiness. Recognizing that my entire reality is merely the monster or savior that my consciousness has created. 

What?!

Seriously, shit like that just falls out of my head, but yet I have a hard time remembering why I came back upstairs... Drivel I know. Like a thesaurus fell on my head and left a mark... I guess what I am trying to say here, when I've drunk enough, had enough and still am standing, seems to be the exact point emotion currently leaves me, thus granting me some small relief, before the remorse, resentment and hangover all set in. In this state, now, I  can't help to look inward, and analyze what in the fuck...


I deserve better. Now. I really do feel that all my wrongs at some point, must be paid for, and the "right" is coming my way. That is not to say I don't deserve the bad. Maybe the scales haven't tipped yet, maybe they have but I'm too mired down in my own muck I haven't noticed yet. In any event, I'm due. I will get through this and with any luck at all, be happier for it. Not to say I would be unhappy if things worked out as planned, but more like even though I didn't want this, it was the best thing for me. The grasping overall message here is simple; I create my reality. YOU create YOUR reality. Don't forget it. My reality has been, "that's it, the best just left me", when in reality it's actually "she'll never do better". My reality. If it's anything less, there can't be closure. There can't be self worth. 

I have felt that the one that got away was "the one", but the reality is I never went anywhere. Not the other way around. 

Crap. Or not, what the fuck do I know... I'm drunk.

Put on your tinfoil hat!

Well if you're into conspiracy theories than this will make you think a whole lot!! I'm not saying I'm buying into this thought pattern here, at all - but in conversation I've realized it's not too far out of the realm of possibility. Let's just set the stage here;

Firstly you have a world on the brink of environmental collapse - with every country having strong supporters of global warming and ways to combat it's ever-steadily gaining reality. Riots in the streets, protests, economically sound decisions being delayed by governments and lobbying agencies. Add some descent in a few socialist countries, including China which had riots of the millions in its streets, but couldn't roll out tanks again, as today the cameras and social media show would and could become damning to their own economy on a global scale. Soooo...

Enter a virus, which spreads quickly and kills... Soon everyone is on quarantine and self isolation, streets are empty, protests and environmental issues seem to have become secondary and completely invisible to us now. No more complaining about pipelines, oil tankers or environmental issues. 

Now, let’s really strap on those tinfoil hats and look at the "bigger global picture". As i've stated, I am not saying i believe this, I’m not saying this is anywhere close to reality, but i am saying, well... What if?

The rule of 7 states that typically speaking, you could know 7 people and who in turn know 7 people and one of them will know one of the ones you know, and on and on - or something like that. So, in conversation with a bunch of friends, who know a bunch of friends, I’ve yet to talk to anyone, who's talked to anyone who knows someone with the virus currently. NO I’m not saying its fake, NO I’m not saying your sick or lost love one is being downplayed or isn't real, I’m just saying i personally, in my circle of friends, and in their circle of friends, and so on, don't actually (or haven’t mentioned it) know someone who is currently sick. In the world of reality, I feel both lucky and relieved for being this fortunate, but this is a conspiracy post so - reality has no place in this post right now. 

So let’s for a moment, look at what a global health concern has done to the populous of the world in just around 3 months... 

It's removed tens of thousands of people from our populous. The virus prays on the elderly, low immune and sickly (in conspiracy land this means they've removed a huge amount of people who were already a tax on the medical systems).

Public control and programming.

They've managed to keep us all indoors for the most part, watching the news and entertainment which could be 100% manipulated by world governments, as well making sure we're watching exactly whatever movies and TV shows they want us to watch... Consider when Netflix first came out; you would watch a movie, and half way through it would freeze, buffer, and load, then play a bit, and repeat. Now, the whole world is indoors watching streaming TV, and not one buffering issue?! Well, clearly they've been capping bandwidth forever, and opened it up now - to make sure we can all see exactly what they want us to. 

Global warming.

They've already shown how much lower emissions are around the world with little to no traveling, commuting etc. They could be gathering large amounts of data on what it will take to reverse our polluting and save this world - all with a government ordered "stay home". For all we know, the true powers that be knew the world was doomed in the next "x" months or years if we didn't do anything, and now they've extended that time for us by a few more years, or whatever... Again, crazy crazy, super crazy talk here, right?

Global economy crash.

The money was getting out of hand. National debt, global deficits in the trillions and still no end to the spending and borrowing and lending... Now, as things continue to spiral, we find that it could one day be possible to return to gold as being the standard value for wealth to rely on, with all other currencies failing or collapsed. 

My crazy - super crazy conspiracy theory talk here is just stating that, in a matter of 3 months or so, the world has managed to set up a system that is in control of the public’s movements, what they see and hear, thus controlling their thoughts and opinions. They’ve culled the populous and reduced our numbers, giving us more food, more water, more everything for the rest of us. They've reduced global emissions, spend money pretty much uncontested by the populous, and have our complete cooperation in regards to finding a cure to this pandemic. The virus that everyone is afraid of, the virus that will crush us - which no one I know that knows someone that they know, hasn't had... 

I could keep spiraling down this specific rabbit hole getting farther and farther away from reality with each sentence, but where would it eventually lead? I'm assuming full psychotic break! 

Socialism is only a few steps away from an Imperium, which in our planets case, might be the only way us super smart monkeys will ever solve any real problems or threats to the human race. Is this our future? All for one, and one for themselves?

I now remove my tinfoil hat and return to the reality that is. I hope you are all staying safe, washing hands and self isolating. I hope you and your loved ones come out if this without harm, and that everything returns to the mess it was, if only we could be a bit smarter for it.

Much love,

Cory

I was told

If you're going to say I told you so, now's the time...

I miss being happy. I mean, really miss it. I have good days and I have bad days, like the rest of the world, but it just seems to be surface emotions day to day. At night, when I am alone, when the glitter and sparkle of my happy go lucky attitude slips away, that's when I'm left with what it was covering. Again, probably everyone feels this way from time to time, but the truth of it is, I never used to be like this. There were moments, real times in my life, when I was genuinely happy. As I wrote before, we have to learn how to be happy with ourselves, because that is who we spend the most time with. This is where I stumble, where the confusion really takes over, because in general I am happy with myself. I'm proud of my accomplishments and with where I've come from and where I'm going. As with all of us, things could be better as they sure as hell could be worse. So, is this what happy is supposed to be? Content with not being worse?

I've been told many times in my life that I am a codependent individual, with underlying issues around trust and abandonment and so - it makes sense that I have issues being alone. With my past it makes sense, but as I delve deeper into my own issues, read a few things, talk to some people, I've realized that I am truly happy when I have found love, acceptance and the feeling of being needed. Not the kind of "needed" like "fix my car, are you good with painting, I need help moving". I mean, I don't mind helping with that stuff, but being loved and needed by my friends is not the same as being loved and needed by a partner. It's this solid realization that has caused me to reflect and analyze my past relationships. It's in this analytical state that I've come to understand what really makes me feel whole.

With the above information in hand, let me first start by saying I have NEVER stayed in a relationship out of fear of being alone, nor have I ever started a relationship because I didn't want to be alone any longer. In the few relationships I've had, there has been a constant moral code to which I've held strongly. I've never said I love you until I've meant it, and I've always strived to be as honest and forthcoming as I can - even if it hasn't been in my best interest. That being said, I have been a poor communicator in the past, and perhaps still currently, but I am working on it. 

When I think back to the key moments of the best memories, look at some photos, reflect on the truly life changing events that made each moment more amazing then the last, the resounding message I get is the same. So go ahead, say it...

Anxiety Pie

The anxiety is real, palpable. I can feel it, taste it, and it stares back at me in the mirror - when I'm brave enough to look. It has me, there is no escaping it. It's been there for so long I don't think i could imagine life without it. I've learned to hide it, cover it, bury it, and deny it, and drown it - even going as far as embracing it, just to find a way to cope. Truth is I've been on the cusp of survival for so long I think I've actually forgotten how to live.

Today while sharing my current mental state I heard some words that really seemed to reach me to the core. Not therapy - I've tried that, but my kind of therapy. Friends. Real friends. The type of friends that tell you what they think, but recognize they aren't necessarily right, any more than I am. The people in your life that mean more. You know what I'm talking about. THE friends you wouldn't and most likely couldn't replace. Most of us have one or two, maybe if you're really lucky you have more than that. My point is, these are the friends you really want to talk to when shit is shit. When, regardless of the weather, it's a fucking storm out there... Or in here, if you catch my meaning.

The words! It seems overly easy to get distracted from getting to my point here, probably the anxiety attached to the statement, and the resulting affects there in...

"Genuine happiness will only come from within. You can change jobs, locations, lifestyles, lovers, anything you want. After the newness of the event wears away, you'll still be left with you. So make sure you know how to be happy. Don't assume that just happens or you know how to be happy. Realize it's something you have to work at, something you have to learn to do. And for the record, i still don't know what that looks like or how to do it, it's a developing skill that I've still yet to master."

(there is some paraphrasing here - and it's a combination of a few different conversations, but this was the overwhelming message).

HUGE statement, right!? I mean, solid ground breaking comments ( I mean for me anyway) followed up by, "good fucking luck"!

So as my day progressed and i was continually thinking on the conversations that started my day, I began to reflect. As like most things, we start to look for blame or error, tied to a specific event, that got you to where you currently are. That one or two solid turning points that pinpoint the exact moment shit went for shit. Then the real answer hit me like shovel to the face. My entire life has been a struggle, and those who know - know. I don't need to share the details because lets face it, we've all been through hell in our own ways. When i started to look at my "happy times" i realized they've all been sliced up by periods of shit throughout my life. The more i reflected, the more I realized my entire life could be broken down into a pie chart, and hey - who doesn't like pie?! Anyway, i think I've figured it out. Not how to be happy, and not how to make this anxiety go away, but figured out WHAT the key to happiness is... Ready?

If you chop your memories up into slices in a pie, then make each slice the proportional size of the duration of each event of happiness and misery, the whole goal is to have your pie be more good memories than bad. More good people in your life than not. More love, less hate. Simple right?

My take away here - for me, has 2 parts. Firstly i need to learn how to create good, happy memories without others being present. That, truly is a tough one. I'll let you know the moment I figure it out. The second is to surround myself with people that make me smile, make me happy, make me laugh. Enjoy the people that really do enrich and support me. That last sentence is key; regardless of who talks the most to you, who gives the most or perceived best advice, it's only the ones that truly care about how you cope, sleep, live, love and languish that matter. A quick side note; not all your close friends are the friends you think they are. Like any symbiotic relationship, they take as much as they give, if not sometimes more. Just be careful when digesting advise, and recognize how perhaps their advice might actually benefit them, after all self servitude is part of the above advice.

So, while I learn to live in my own skin, I will endevor to find some answers to my above noted questions and comments. Again, all this "realization" might not mean shit, nor does it guarantee I'll learn how to sleep the night through alone, but I still remain ever hopeful that at some point in my future, anxiety and I will part ways - if not forever, then at least for a period of time or two, now and again.


C

Years apart... Sorry dad.

Years apart... Seems suiting enough. I used to blog about what grinds my gears, then overtime I  started to write about what ails my heart. Shortly there after it became some muddied waters about cryptic shit that only my drunk self could possibly unwind. So here we are now... I'm drunk, so - lots has changed...

what can I say, I've had too much beer, wine, and two shots of wtf - lets just agree my judgement isn't the best tonight...

 I miss love ….What's new, right? Well, what can I say - having it isn't the same as losing it. At least every moment of it was real... Regrets... I've got bunches - but the biggest still haunts me - and will forever probably... But on the bright side - seems to be working out for the other party involved so - I should be happy for them in the end, right?

Moving on... WTF is with the whole politically correct "people" of our world? I mean seriously my own kid said "trades people" today... ugh... Get the fuck over yourself you sensitive mother fuckers! Seriously though, how is it 80 years ago young men were throwing themselves to the fray on some bs beach for freedom, and today safe places are required just to get through the week... Honestly, my own father (if he were alive) would be kicking the shit out of me just for sharing this much publicly... We should all be ashamed.

Government leaders: WTF ARE YOU THINKING? uh duh?! That's all I'm saying.

I know super vague... Eat it.

moving on with Vague;

• I'm sorry
• I wish I could turn back the clock (everyone)
• you deserved better (in the end)
• I was fucking great to you!
• I've never betrayed you
• if I could, I would (turn back time - cue Tina Turner.. That was her song, right?)
• I won't apologize for being honest
• You know I'm the win
• Shamrock shakes - still a family favorite
• brie
• dice
• paper straws suck

I did say Vague.

I guess the takeaway here is; I'm writing because I need to. I'm drunk. I'm sorry, and I miss you... And it's St.Patrick's day soon... And I'm not a fan of current world leaders - do better when you vote people. Millennial "what about me" mentality is shit!... Oh, and I'm still cryptic and stuff... Sorry, dad.

What am I waiting for?

So is it fair to say that turn around is fair play? No, I don't think that's what I meant... How about what goes around comes around... Yeah that's closer to the mark. Why is it always when you want something the most it's least likely to happen, but when others want it for you, you're more likely to miss the opportunity? I don't really have it in me to use some cryptic euphemism or witty comparison to spell it out tonight. I don't really feel like it either, other than to say that I'm feeling like I missed the boat. That my lack of vision or inability to articulate my needs and wants has once again placed me here. It's beyond sad really, and I don't really know how to deal with it. In one hand I can do nothing, and let time go by and see where I end up. In the other I can force it, and who knows; It might work out, it might fall completely apart and leave me worse off then the way I feel now. I guess in either event I am still the master of my own demise - it's just how it comes about I will have control of... Assuming crushing failure falls on either decision that is... 

I have never been one to just accept my fate, but inevitably it seems all the drama in my life usually is brought on by my own choices, or lack of them. Inspiration or desperation, either way change will be upon all of us in time, I suppose. So why is it when I'm inspired I can't force the change, but when I'm desperate change can't happen fast enough? Again, going nowhere here...

Perhaps I'm a coward? Wouldn't be the first time I've been called one, wouldn't be the first time I've thought it myself.  My lack of courage lies in different scenarios  than what most would think. I know I do not fear violence, pain, injury, maybe not even death. Heights aren't a killer nor is speed, the dark, or closed spaces. Not even spiders...BUT I do have fears... I'm ridiculously afraid of shark attack, which considering I'm in the ocean maybe 5 days out of 365 makes it so unlikely, but yet it's still there. I'm no fan of scary movies either, but I've been known to be coerced into seeing a few - still afraid though. No, my lack of courage, my real fear lies in something far more terrifying, far more sinister... I'm afraid of being vulnerable. What makes this fear so entirely crushing? I am vulnerable. I am and have been for a very long time. It is paralyzing. I am completely frozen, unmoving, unblinking, like a dear in headlights. I find myself once again completely exposed and at the mercy of another, and I'm afraid. Afraid if I do nothing things will not go the way I want them to. Afraid if I force what I want I will push away the entire opportunity. Completely terrified that I've already done that and once again my boat has sailed...

I do know this. Change is upon me. It has to be, as I know I can't continue much longer like this. I want more, I deserve more, and I'm worth more. All I have to do is ask...

But then what happens?

Don't read this!

I have anxiety. Fear. sadness. pain. love. regret. pride. anger. shame. Just to name a few. I feel as if at any moment one feeling will betray the next and it's terrifying to me. I go from smiling and rocking out on a drive down the highway to tears if specific songs come on. 4 minutes later a good summertime song comes on and I'm smiling again... My emotions have become my master, and I feel completely helpless to them. Somewhere in the stretch of time between no longer caring to caring too much I seem to have lost all emotional control. For a guy who has been called cold, detached and emotionally void, the pendulum sure has swung the other way. Is it fair to say that life has made me this way? Is it some sort of emotional wall built over years of pain, betrayal and disappointment that abruptly and without notice, just crumbled away and let a flood of everything wash upon me? What once shielded me has become my destroyer and I still have yet to learn if that is the worst or best thing for me... I no longer feel protected. I fear being this exposed but at the same time recognize that the emotional hardness I once held has caused me more pain than it kept out. Right?!

We all have reasons to be untrusting, we have all been betrayed at one point in our lives. We all have known heartbreak. Love and hate is not new to any of us. I am not special - I know. So how is it that everyone else around me seems to hold it together day in and day out without much effort, while silently I stew in a pot of emotional torment not knowing what to do or what to say, and question everything far more than I should. I read a meme just the other day that said if over thinking burned calories I'd be dead. It most certainly feels that way to me. I think to much. Sometimes I wish I could think about something constructive when I'm like this, at least it would be productive, not just useless rambling...

Life is not bad. I am happy, I think. I could be happier - so everyone of us would say, so again I'm not any more or less special than you. Money, stress, work, love, family, etc etc.  Some days are better than others we'd all agree, but the big hook in my days lately has been this emotional rollercoaster for certain. Therapists would say talk about your feelings to undo the anxiety or stress of them, but I can't even begin to put my finger on the why of it. Have you ever realized that most times life just goes on with or without you, and a good amount of the speed bumps you hit are usually brought on by yourself just creating bs that didn't need to happen anyways? Is this, that? lol.

What do I know - I'm even thinking now that I probably just wasted 5 minutes of your day by writing something that really doesn't help anyone, including myself. I guess the best thing to do is get some rest, try not to think too much about shit I don't control, can't control and definitely don't understand.

Sorry for the above drivel - I had hoped it would help clear my mind, but instead it just made me feel even more...

Wisdom?

It's been once again a far and long road between posts, and in truth maybe it's because life has been simple enough that i had nothing to write about? Or maybe I've just been too busy to write, or maybe I've just found another outlet to de-stress or unwind and lose the anxiety or noise that always seems to creep into my head? Well whatever the reason, it's become apparent to me this exercise needs to continue, as i have so much on my mind but can't seem to find a way to communicate it without either causing harm or misleading others with my intentions.

With age comes wisdom, right? Meh, maybe not - as i don't feel any wiser than i was 10 years ago, and i most certainly don't feel any smarter. I am able however to confirm that with age comes perspective. Could that be wisdom? Perhaps - or maybe it's just realization - like getting shocked. It happens once and you go WTF was that?! Happens a second time, and you are more inclined to investigate further. Happens another time and well, lets just say it becomes one of two things... A full scale investigation, or you just stop touching whatever it is that you've been touching that keeps hurting you. Is it wise to walk away? Is it wise to figure out the problem? Or is it just perspective? Don't need to touch whatever it is that keeps shocking you, do you? Then why risk it? Or maybe you do need to touch it - so then what? Well, of course you're going to need some answers. Strange when you look at it from the outside. Like watching a horror movie. If you watch you are like WTF?! don't go in there, but if you  were in the movie, would you need to investigate? Again, not necessarily wisdom, but more likely perspective. My point being there has been many times in my life where things that continue to hurt me were left unchecked, things I've walked away from in order to feel safe.  Ignore them, drown them out, walk or run away, or even make jokes instead of dealing with it. The  truth of that statement is terrifying. How often have i let fear of pain make decisions for me? how often have i let fear of possible pain change my course? No, i don't think wisdom comes with age, i think it comes to those who are wise. To the rest of us it's perspective mixed with hindsight.

Definition for insanity; doing the same thing and expecting different results.

Perhaps that's where perspective becomes wisdom. I know what I've done, and i know what i am doing now - only with some small changes. Minor adjustments to miniscule differences blended with hindsight and perspective. Perhaps wisdom develops once you recognize your faults - even in someone else's failures. Perhaps the differences of perspective and wisdom are just a level of self awareness, or rather humility. A much better word. Is wisdom then humility? Damn, i really need to start using my dictionary again...  

The switch at the top of the stairs

I've been told a few times now that I can write - well - that I articulate thought well in words... So, is that writing or just being able to ramble in apparently a semi-intelligent way when given the time to proof read? Doesn't matter I suppose. What I really think matters is ones ability to make sense of their own thoughts, if that is even possible -  and so without further ado;

Dark places... We all have them. They might be memories, or skeletons, or shadows of shadows of our past, broken hearts, crushed souls or even just plain good old self loathing, but I'm sure we all have them. You know what I'm talking about. It's that place your mind wanders to when for whatever reason you find yourself in a thought of melancholy despair, the analytical self diagnosis of emotion, or just a plain old culmination of self pity mixed with self loathing and a dash of anxiety all rolled into too many drinks or not enough self love. Whatever the reason we go there from time to time - in my case usually after I've drank enough, or stressed enough or hurt enough to just stop fighting and start analyzing why. Why me, why like this, and why now?

I find myself once and awhile slipping into the darkness. It's like everything that is good has a twin - dark and distant that needs to slip into focus once and awhile to remind me that for everything I've got - it comes at a cost. In some cases the cost was miniscule. It was time, or pain or effort. All small things, especially after you've done them. Think about that; Ever work out or run or whatever and hate every second of it? Loath and despise the very moment you started to the moment it ends? But give it a bit of time, recover from it and then look back? Usually it's with some self pride of completion and almost never do you regret the effort it took after the fact... I've almost never regretted working out or running an hour after I did it. I'm usually more then grateful. Yet, despite knowing that - I still procrastinate some days on working out or getting changed to go for that run... Strange if you think about it.

I carry large amounts of self loathing and guilt when I look back. I would like to think that almost everyone does - but I really don't believe it. I've done my fair share of damage- no hiding it. No denying that my wake of destruction stretches back well before I was even in possession of a drivers licence. So then what? Dwell in it, think on it? Loath and despair what makes me, me? Yup - some days for sure. The salvation to this darkness - to this despair, for me anyway, comes from outside. Yes I know - look inwards and ye shall find the answer - blah blah blah - or some shit like that. Whatever... Sure - I love me - as much as the next person loves themselves I suppose - maybe a bit less as perhaps some of my past decisions might have carried more consequences' then others decisions at times - but for the most part I don't hate me.  My point being that it took an outside force to remind me that I'm not all evil, not all taking, all destroying all world crushing like I've felt some days. It took someone outside looking in, listening and watching and experiencing me and my thoughts - the ones I share anyway - to remind me there is far more good in me then I sometimes realize. Don't get crazy now - I'm not interested in saving the world or anything, I'm just saying I'm not as horrible as I sometimes think of myself. The most darkest parts of my thoughts always wash away when I take a moment and think about you. Not about what you say or said, or did or didn't do, but just you. When I think about how my life changed when you came into it, how it changed when you're near and how it continues to change whenever you're in my thoughts. You are my savior. My beacon to the light, the light switch when I run up the stairs from the dark basement.

So I say unto you - thank you. Thanks for reminding me, thanks for the light switch, and thanks for seeing in me what I many times forget to see myself.

Love

Wow... so this still exists... Ok. well... I guess I'm here for a reason so...

This will start like all really good stories start - with a broken heart...

It's my fault - let me be clear on that... I did this, not her, not us, but me... Some will say it takes two, others will point the finger at her, but in truth the only person to blame is myself. I did this, I own it, and I accept the pain I've created - for everyone involved...

Moving on...

things I need to say:


I love her - without exception, without question, she is in my heart and I will never let her go... She is also the girl you don't know. She is loving, passionate, exceptional in every way and you've never met her. She has shown me what love looks like, tastes like, feels like and smells like... She was and still is my world... She is you - she is me. She is what every man desires and what every woman aspires be. And she is mine, or was... Or might be...

I don't know - which is where the terrifying piece of this tale starts... or ends...

there are a few things you need to understand before this tale makes sense...

I have been unreachable... Unavailable. Un-waiving. Hard like stone, cold like ice, solitude like a monolith... and its not fair... for her ... or me...

I love her - and I shouldn't... Not that she isn't deserving or desirable... Rather because its too early or too late - time is still determining the answer... My tears taste like regret mixed with fear and anticipation...

So that is the back story... following so far? It's ok, I don't expect you to... read the start of this blog and you'll once again get the gist... It's about me, and coping with my thoughts, and I'm bringing those reading along for the ride...

So... Let me start by re-iterating... She's fucking amazing! Seriously, so beautiful and so loving you'd question in a heart beat why she's even talking to you... She'll make you weak with her eyes and shut your brain off with her touch... I can fully attest to the reality that she makes me weak and dumb with the slightest of efforts...

And she likes me! She might actually love me! Whether she has said it or not - I can only share the way she makes me feel and conclude love must feel like this...

And I feel unworthy. I feel shallow and empty and cold... not because I am, but because I've been hurt and carved up so badly before that my solitude brings safety...

I hate it... I despise my hardness.

I want to be open, vulnerable and easily hurt - so she can fill me with love...

Instead I find myself scared, skittish, and easily shallow so as  to be safe...

So why am I here?

Because in the end I need to tell the world I am soft. Broken. Vulnerable. Wanting... Weak...

But she won't buy it... She won't believe that I am all those things plus who you've known me to be... Why?

I've changed? Ive taken what is hard and turned it into what is needed. Because ive taken what is lies and made it the truth...

So where am I now?

Well... We know she's not available but I still love her... What she doesn't know is no matter how new this is - it's old. It's as old as time itself. she really is why I wake in the morning and can't wait to sleep at night... My dreams can be hers - her fantasy and reality - if only she'd let me in...

She is you... Yes... Stop denying it and open the door... Love absolute is waiting - and has been for some time.. I know it's early and years late... But it's here now - if only you'd see it...

 I love you... Even if I shouldn't...

So what now?

Well... You know who you are... I don't hide my emotions well... I don't deny them or shy away from them anymore... Love made me like this... So... take advantage of it before cowardice  and shame make me less of a man and I deny my feelings...

... And if you're confused - then you're not alone... Just talk to me... I already took the risk... What are you waiting for?!

Sorry, we're currently experiencing higher than normal call volumes...

Holy never ever post anymore!! I don't know why i have so much trouble finding the time to get this done, but it seems it's almost become a habit not to post. I know it really does help me clear my head, so i should do it more often... Well, anyway - I'm doing it now. 

I have had the most awesome opportunity to have to call at least 4 customer service "help" lines over the past month or so, and i must say, what a treat it's been! Two were with insurance companies, one with a bank, and the final one was with Nike+ (which really was 2 calls, one to the USA, then one with Canada). First things first - EVERY number i dialed with EVERY company had all the same response... Ya, you guessed it - we're experiencing higher than normal call volumes, etc etc. Which leads me to believe that either every human that needed to talk to them called the exact moment i called, or perhaps their call volumes are normal, but the staff too low to keep costs down, and apologize for it right at the start? Anyway, it really doesn't matter, but what does matter is the way i am treated when i actually get to speak with a human being. I mean, i was patient enough to press all the numbers i was prompted to, and waited patiently until the horrible choice of music or "did you know" help information came to a halt. I have played by their rules, so now its time to actually deal with why i was calling. How am i awarded for my patience and delay? Well, if you were the bank, you were polite, to the point and... Couldn't really give a shit. It isn't your department, or you couldn't help from where you were, and i have to contact my agent or my branch to resolve any issues i have. If you were the insurance companies you simply emailed me a bazillion kajillion forms to fill out in order to facilitate the most minor of changes. (And yes, bazillion Kajillion is a real number, and although perhaps slightly exaggerated, very close to the amount of documents i actually had to fill out.) If you were Nike, you were of split personalities. If you were in the USA, you were very polite and sympathetic to my plight. You did your absolute best to collect the facts, record them with haste and get on with finding me a resolution that i would be happy with. You would go as far as you could go, until you realized i lived around the 49th Parallel. Then you apologized for your inability to continue to help me, but gave me a reference number, and ALL the information required to contact Nike Canada. From the 1-800 number, to a CANADIAN usable reference number regarding all my call details, my original email comments, and a link to the "possible" recorded telephone conversation we had. All very EXTREMELY helpful and professional service. In fact, arguably some of the best customer service i can remember in a "help line" call. But, if you were the Canadian Nike call centre, it was all so very different. You would have telephone prompts and "press 1 for English" directions, you too would have helpful "did you know" information while i was on hold, but when you answered the phone, that is when this call was completely different from my other Nike call. You would be quick to the point, but abrupt. You would ask questions accusingly, an when given an answer you would pause and then question the answer further. I would volunteer to you the reference number i had from Nike USA and you would ignore it. I would continue answering the same questions i already answered moments and days earlier, until i once again volunteer the reference number. Then when you finally take the number, you would immediately go on the defensive and WARN me that although you are giving me a claim number, in NO WAY does that guarantee and accepted warranty resolution, nor could you even guarantee me that if it is covered under warranty that i would get back the same colour option i had originally purchased. You would then blurt out a claim number, with a mailing address, stressing that i MUST quote the claim number CLEARLY on the outside of the package, reminding me SEVERAL TIMES, before giving me the mailing address. Then reminding me one more time for good measure. Then without so much as a thank-you for supporting Nike, or thanks for calling, or have a good day, or anything, you just say, "alright thanks", and hang up. Not ask me if i could read back the all important claim number, not confirming with me if i have the mailing address correct, nothing. As a matter of fact, if we were in person, i would describe the feeling as being escorted to your front door, being shoved out, and told goodbye, while you slammed the door in my face. Ya, that is what the call felt like.

I am continually amazed on how most Canadians I talk to, describe US citizens as rude, pushy etc, but when it comes to customer service, they not only could show us a thing or two, but most likely would have to teach us EVERYTHING.

When it comes to customer service they are spot on and we are, well... Just a spot. 

Beat upon me, but i won't break?

Seriously folks, I've had just about enough. I really think I'm spinning my wheels here but going nowhere. I mean i work - a lot, but still it seems I'm running on a hamster wheel and getting nowhere. Own my own business, work a full time day job, work any kinda side work i can get for cash, but still it feels like things are conspiring against me these days. I know it sounds like I'm whining but i just can't help it today. My vehicle has been broken into at least 5 times in the last two months, and the total loss at this point has got to be well over $1000 worth of items and damage - and aside from one or two times that I've been forgetful, I've taken everything worth value out of the vehicle at night. And when there is nothing to steal, they still find some way of screwing me. Last time it was break my fuel restricter and siphon my gas instead! And the best part, I live in a town house complex! There is like 50 windows in every direction, and at least 10 street lights  but still they bugger me. Lets add to it by saying my dryer packed it in, my built in vacuum died, and my business bank just recently seems to feel that I'm not worth the paper my account number is written on... I'm just fed up. I really am ready for the zombie apocalypse - I could go for some time just shooting people in the head instead of dealing with them... 

Ok enough... I'm done - things aren't horrible. I have a roof over my head (although that's another $7000 come January), my health is ok, at least nothing to complain about that every other 40 year old isn't already complaining about. My kids are well behaved, and by business is still in business. I've got a girl friend that pampers me and my hockey game is getting better. What more could a guy really want? I guess all the rant is just that, blowing off steam. Truthfully i'd like a job where i only had to work it and still be comfortable. Zero stress aside from the one job, with enough pay to at least cover my overhead and save a little. Nothing crazy to hope for right? Again kids, one more reason to stay in school. All this above bitching aside life isn't horrible... So why am I? What the hell is it going to take to make me happy? I feel like im in a big giant hole of despair right now and its starting to be a real bummer. It could always be worse people say, and I agree. But seriously very few people apply themselves as much as i do and have so little to show for it. Again with the bitching and whining - sorry. Argh.

di-di-dit-de-de-dit-de-de this just in; Man loses motivation and couldn't find it under  the couch! Again it seems my motivation to see the gym and the track are waning. I want to go, I know I'll enjoy it when i get there or do it, but i just can't seem to justify the time vs payoff right now. There is a 100 other things i could be, should be, and aren't doing, never mind taking care of myself. So, i guess i have to go back to the basics and remember - the only thing someone can't take from me, is me. So i might as well be the best me i can. If i don't respect myself enough to take care of myself, why would someone else respect me right?

Anyway, the purpose of this blog was to rant - and that i've done. A bit of a whiny sucky, pissy post today, but hey - i posted!!

C

Sell me your wares gypsy!!

It's like the entire world is conspiring against me! Well actually it's not like that at all, it just seems like it. First of all, i haven't done any running, and haven't had a hint of the gym since before the Tough Mudder. Now, some of that was laziness. I trained for 4 months for the half marathon, then another month for the Mudder, so i figured what would 2 weeks off do... Well they let me hurt my back, which perpetuated into over 2 months off!! So now, I'm still nursing a back injury, as well as my Achilles tendon is bothering me, but i will not let this dissuade me from getting back at it... Just slower and more cautiously than before. Otherwise i can see this running away from me and turning months into years! So again i will giver a go - hopefully with a bit of caution this should be a slow but smooth transition back into in shape, at the right end of the scale, and happier all around for it.

On a happier note - sorta, i have ordered my Nike+ Fuelband!! It will help me with some greatly needed motivation I think, so i had to have it. But purchasing it was, well, a hell of an experience... First off  there isn't a reseller of Nike+ Fuelbands ANYWHERE in Canada. No where. Really. WTF, right? So i figure, heck lets order one on line... Great except wouldn't you know it, when you click on the box that says, "order now", it links you back to a Canadian only site, where suddenly the Nike Fuelband doesn't exist and is not for sale!! So i figure, I'm smarter than an f'n website, I'll just change the region. Haha! Nope, it automatically detects my "area" i guess through my IP address, and sends me back to the Canadian site EVERY TIME! Argh!! So again, i AM smarter than this website!! I download a great program (lets you surf the web anonymously - random IP generation world wide). Launch my new browser and bam!! Ha ha i am on the US site! Go to "purchase now" and wammo - I'm suddenly redirected to the Great Britain site! Ha, so i renew my IP, and zing! I'm suddenly on the Dutch site! ARGH... Clearly i cannot choose the IP country of origin with this new browser, so now what... Ahah! I will go to the Help option on the US site, and see if i can get me some customer service help. Zap, back to Canada it sends me - so what i say! I still contact help, and send them a message... SELL ME YOUR WARES GIPSY!! Which generates an automated response email... We're f'n busy over here at Nike NOT SELLING our products, so expect a 48-72 hour delay in response, but don't worry we'll get to you, you're business is important to us. Right... What happened to their motto? Just Do It? Well... JUST SELL ME YOUR SHITTY PIECE OF EXERCISE GEAR I WANT! How about that!? ... ... ... Just breath Cory, just breath... ... ... Ok so, after more than 40 minutes of key punching, desk striking, screaming at a no good for nothing useless to me website, i decide to call the customer service helpline. Yep, good old 1-800 number - which the screen says is closed 4:40 eastern time, which is well past the time i am calling, but hey, what the hell right? It's not like I was doing anything anyway and who knows, maybe someone will answer, or a voice mail might get there quicker than my help email request. Then without any sort of warning, fanfare, or trumpets or anything, like a miracle from the heavens a customer service representative just up and answers the call!!! 2 minutes of conversation and he tells me this is a minor problem on their web site, and they are working towards repairing it... Minor problem? Minor? How the hell do you sell a product that no one can buy, and call that minor?! Anyway, not his deal, he just works there... SO - he takes all my info, logs on to the Nike site that I am a registered member with, and has all my information, including the stuff i typed in an hour ago for the purchase of the band... It's all there - waiting - like it did it already and i just needed a human to see it... I felt so relieved and immediately angry at the same time!! But, none the less i held my temper, and waited for my sales representative to finish with me... 5 minutes later i am congratulated on my new purchase, and can expect it at my US mailing address in 3-12 days... What? 3-12 days? That is some spread don't you think? I mean, 4-7 days, ok. 7-10 days, makes sense... But what kind of multinational conglomerate like Nike has a random shipping department that can't narrow delivery times down to within a week? I mean seriously - how do  you sell ANYTHING with that kind of schedule?! "Thank-you for your order sir, is there anything else i can do for you?" ... No no, im good thanks. Goodbye.

And there you have it! I am a proud soon to be owner of one very special - custom ordered Nike+ Fuelband. Soon to be in stores no doubt...

Cory

 

The truth, as i see it!

Lets talk gym, supplements and the truth. It has to be done, i cannot stand back and listen and watch the the BS any longer. Read all the Muscle and Fitness you'd like, Mens Health - giver. Any other "fitness" magazine you'd like - read it all. Understand this; Each and every magazine is paid for by the advertising in it, no exceptions. Your purchase price is their profit, nothing more. They could print each and every magazine for free from here to eternity with the money they receive in advertising. That's how it works - but you knew that. So why is it that my friends, friends of friends, your friends and probably even you, have run out to the supplement store and stocked up at the first hint of being in a scheduled work out scenario? You know what I'm talking about, we all have the same type of friend. 3 days in a row in the gym, and next thing you know they are pro's. They have protein powders, pre and post work out drinks. vitamin packs, gloves, belts, wraps, gear galore. Then there is the clothing. I know - advertising works but - it takes hard work, time and discipline to achieve goals in the gym, period. Not wacks of protein and carb loading and energy drinks, EVER! Understand that stuff exists for the elite - and i mean elite! Let me explain...

I have been going to the gym (off and on) for nearly 25 years. Now it has not been year after year without fail - cause if it had i would look AWESOME. But it has been consistent enough that i am much more that your average or even above average casual goer. In fact I'm pretty sure i qualify for "gym rat" status. 9 of 12 months i am without fail in the gym at least 4 days a week, and in my "hard core" days I'd say 6 days a week, usually twice a day! So i think that when i speak about it, its not just hot air - there is serious experience here, at least enough to know that what i say is based on experience, not some magazine add. And let me qualify my experience one more level; If you go to the art museum every day for 25 years you'd be very knowledgeable about art - but it doesn't make you a painter. You may work out every day - but if you do it wrong, cheat, or just plain go through the motions, it doesn't qualify as being a gym pro - just saying. 

Like everyone else, I've fallen into the "buy all the supplements i can get" situation at least once or twice. And this is what I've learned. The stuff works - really it does... IF YOU NEED IT! That's right, if you need it. Everyone thinks they need to take their pre workout drink, then a post workout drink, then some protein afterwords. Don't forget the Creatine, the NO2, the fat burner, carb loader before bed, and the Animal Pack at the start of each morning!! NO NO NO. This stuff is designed to fuel the most extreme body builder or athlete, not the casual goer. Its all about intensity! Now this is the insulting part - so i will apologize in advance - you do not work out nearly has hard as you think you do! Not even close. As i said i have some experience here - and i have had the fortunate (or unfortunate) chance to work out with world strong men, professional body builders, world class wrestlers, and some just plain crazy intense people. And in 25 years i can think of perhaps 4 occasions where my work outs were so intense, that without some supplements i wouldn't have been able to finish the work out - never mind survive the crash after. Ask ANYONE who has EVER worked out with me on a moderately intense day and they will all tell you the same thing... I kick ass! I drive, i push, i drag, i even insult. I do EVERYTHING i can to motivate and drive me and my training partner to complete our set, workout, rep, whatever. Aside from 2-3 training partners I've had, very few EVER say we could have maybe pushed harder today. And i gauge a day like that as MODERATE! And on those days, I'd say maybe just maybe some protein powder should be included in your diet - as it is the building blocks for recovery and growth... That's it, nothing else. Seriously... Now i am not bragging about my workouts here, honestly. But what i am saying is this - each and every person works out to their own level of intensity - their failure point, breaking point, whatever. Maybe once out of 20 work outs, yes some days are more intense then others, but regardless of pump or feel or fatigue, it really isn't to the outer limits of your own human abilities - its just hard.  Now to become a pro athlete, a world class body builder, or fitness model, it takes more than what we do. More than most of you could imagine. Seriously, work out with me once or twice, really work - and then tell me it was lax or easy, or anything... Then multiply that by 10 - because that is what the professional or aspiring professional has to do to get there. These people are the ones that need all the supplements, not us. The only thing all these extra supplements are doing for us is lightening our wallets, adding excess calories and giving us a really big placebo effect. Now if you require a feeling of "sketchy" to get the energy you need to work out - then enjoy those extra calories, the glucose charge, the possible fast track to diabetes - go right ahead. But understand the only person benefiting from you taking that crap is the company that made them. Unless you are truly an elite athlete - you're wasting your money and hurting your body.

Now I'm not saying don't supplement, I'm just saying be realistic. Protein is a good choice if you're trying to tone or gain muscle mass - IF you are training correctly. So use some, but read the label first. Low or no calories is best - unless you have a vein covered six pack, you have no need to carb load or calorie boost. If you're hungry just eat more. Stay away from EVERYTHING else short of regular vitamins, and perhaps some supplements designed for joint care, etc. You'll save tons of cash, and be healthier for it. Drink ridiculous amounts of water and eat healthy - with proper portion control and IN TIME the changes will be there. 

Unless of course you've discovered this amazing supplement that drops body fat, increases muscle mass and you only have to work out 3 times a week for 2o minutes, in that case make sure you give me a heads up.

:P

I don't know

No idea, nada, zilch. Something is wrong, somewhere, somehow, but like fuck i can put my finger on it. Its pissing me off to no end. Is it me? Is it my social life? Is it my station in life?Is it work? Am i tired of eating a shit sandwich... See right off the bat its BS. I don't eat a shit sandwich at work, its just work. just because I'm in a funk doesn't make it shit. Its an ok job, we've been through this. So what the fuck? Why o why is everything so shitty for me right now? Its like i can't find whatever it is i need to satiate my need for something more, different, something... I haven't seen the gym in over 3 weeks now, and haven't run in almost two, I'm eating because I'm bored, and can't sleep because something is picking at me. I'm tired all day from not sleeping, eating too much, and not exercising, and the whole fucking mess exists because there is something under my skin that is creating this whole shit show... But what?
I get pissed at the slightest little things right now, and the big things that i should be upset about, well i blow those so fucking out of proportion its ridiculous.  Maybe its just worse today than most days, but for some reason today seems to be the boiling point. Why should BS comments of Facebook set me off? Why is it that when i see particular people post stuff it makes me want to reach through the screen and smash them in the face? They didn't say anything to me or about me, but still there it is. Im fucking mad, frustrated, bored, pent up and just plain fucky.
Its been this way for awhile - actually longer then i'd like to admit. It hasn't been bad or really "front and centre", until this week, and truly today is the worst. Why can't i sort it out? Life isn't bad! I have a beautiful girlfriend, great kids, a business that isn't closing anytime soon, and a job that pays my mortgage. My friends are incredible and my health has been good (mental condition excluded). So what the fuck?
I know some of you will definitely think my OCD is running away here, but there is a billion little things in my world that i want to do - that i just haven't  done, and maybe that's the problem. there's just too much "stuff" left undone, that its surmounting in my head.  I want to clean my BBQ, i want to fix some dents in my walls. I want to paint my place, and i need to have my carpets re-kicked in (Ya that's right - new carpets 2 years ago and now they're getting "lumpy"), new light fixtures i bought 3 years ago still not installed, re-calking the shower, fixing the bathroom screen, or the burnt out bulb in the garage and outside the garage. The list just seems endless and getting bigger every day, but still i do my thing day in day out - and never get to any of it. Fuck! Never mind cleaning - i mean i keep my place clean, but i haven't washed walls, or polished fixtures or dusted in what feels like forever. I know its everyone's bitch - we all have the same problems, i guess i just can't handle mine. I feel kind of overwhelmed by having so much to do and never getting any of it done. And to be truthful i think my Ex's are haunting me way to hard these past months. NO its not what you think. My ex wife is apparently rolling in cash - no doubt growing pot - and it pisses me off. Not that i don't wish her well, or that i want her to have financial hardship - because i don't. I just don't think she deserves the easy ride. Its been her whole life - and well, i guess im jealous. And then there's the past girl friends - and NO again, im not crying at night and listening to Roy Orbison thinking of them. It's more like i find myself thinking about the "design" aspect of my past relationships. What was it that brought us together, what the fuck did i do to tear us apart? Will i continue being a fucking idiot? Was it me, both of us, or was it her? All the same regret BS that people think about. Why? Is there unfinished issues there as well? Are there things left undone that i need to do to let it rest in my head? Is it one more thing around my life i've been meaning to get to, that just never gets done?

Well thats that. I just spend the past 13 minutes pissing and moaning about so much trivial bullshit that i think i might just go kick myself in the ass and take a "harden the fuck up" pill. I don't know why i even blogged this BS, aside from the fact that now its out and i feel like i can breath. Just reading it over makes me want to retype the whole thing in "frustrated" font. I feel stupid and ashamed. 
Seriously, WTF is my problem?

Post Haste er, I mean Post Race

OK, so i did it. One race down, one to go. That's right, not sure if i mentioned it in previous posts, but I've decided two is all I'm going to do this  year. All this training just doesn't make Summer look like fun, so after the Tough Mudder in June, its all about beach Frisbee and fun. I'll still run, but not 15km a day kinda crap, and the gym will continue, but i really don't need the 5 day a week running schedule with gym work, kids, friends etc... Just all to much.

SO YA finished my first 1/2 Marathon with a time of 1:50:37!! Ya under 2 hours - which was my goal, and i set a personal best for the 10km mark - 48:22. All very exciting to me. 

Other things... I work too much. ya, i know we all do, but seriously i feel like its all i do these days. And when i get some time off, i try and do everything - because i don't do anything while im working, so when im done with time off im even more tired then when i needed the time off... Definitely a dilemma. When i will the lottery, im going to spend weeks sitting still - or at least try. :) FOOD! Food is killing me, or rather im using it to kill what could be the best chance at a flat stomach ever! I was in the locker room after hockey, and a team member says to me "dude, with all the running, sports, and gym time, how are you not in crazy awesome shape?" My response? Because i like food too much... But as i reflect on his words it definitely pointed things out to me. I burned 2200 calories in less than two hours during my marathon, and burn almost a 1000 playing hockey for two hours, how can i be eating more calories than im burning? Clearly its a food quality issue. As always, i will endeavor to improve that area, and most likely fail horribly at it. But at least some thought before i eat might help somewhere... Or not. Ruts... I hate them. Complacency is killing me. Bored, so fucking bored. I realize now that one of the reasons i do so many things is because i can't do one thing for too long. Jobs, i get good at them fast, perfect them (in my opinion), build procedures and guidelines so that whoever comes along can do relatively well in my absence - all because subconsciously i am planning my absence. I love my company, and want it to succeed. But after a few years i get lazy, i allow it to just "flow" and by the time i look back, i realize i left it to waffle in the wind. So now i double my efforts and without even noticing, im once again working more and more (see above). So anyway, now i look at my day job... Been there a year, like it, its ok money... And im losing my mind. I hate the same thing day in and day out. I feel like the second i get there in the morning im looking for a reason to leave. Maybe thats why i made a good outside salesman? When a job is challenging, when its difficult, stressful, demanding, plain frustrating and even miserable - i thrive! Its like all the extra crap keeps me engaged! But take away all the difficult stuff and put me on easy street - and i get complacent, lazy and downright bored. And one other thing about jobs/work... I don't need a pat on the back to say "good job". I don't really even want the recognition of being the "go to guy", or the favorite employee. As a matter of fact, i like being the guy in the shadows, who just gets it done, no stops, full goose no guvnor. But what i do need - what is the best way to keep me out of a rut? Pay me! Thats right, just like most people i really think i should be paid what i am worth. And i can say with some semblance of self pride - im worth a fuck of a lot! There is no more loyal employee than me. Give to me and I give back. I can't be swayed, i can't be shaken, i will defend my employer and do their bidding to almost every level. And  yet still, i find that my current employer knows it, takes advantage of that loyalty, knowing all the while they are getting a great deal on the financial end of the partnership.  Where am i going with this? No idea - maybe im thinking about getting a new job? Well im not looking, but if something fell on my lap, well... One thing i know for sure. I do not "negotiate" with employers. When i get an offer, and if its a good offer, i give my notice. I don't go and say  hey, i got offered a job, would you consider matching their offer? That door was closed long ago. If an employer feels that im worth the money, and just was being cheap, well good for them. Why is it that all of a sudden im worth more now, but when i wasn't offered a job, it was a fair wage? I have NEVER been offered a job, and used it as leverage to just get a better wage in my current job. If i have taken the time to discuss a new position, and actually considered leaving the job im in, its done. There is no going back and saying hey, sorry but my current employer matched your offer, so i can't go. As a matter of fact, i've actually turned down offers for more money from a current employer purely on principal. You had the opportunity to pay me well ,and you saved some cash - good for you... I hope you can replace me for even less money - good hunting!

Anyway, got a little lost on that tangent, just feeling kinda down and warn out and under appreciated, under paid, and tired... Maybe its time for a "staycation". Anyway, back to work, Later

Religious, running

And hello again! Sorry for the gap of time between blogs (have you noticed I'm always apologizing for not writing often?) I just realized every time i post its like I'm sorry i kept you waiting... Well damn it, too bad I'm busy you know?!
 With what you ask? I know you didn't ask, but if you did, this is what I'd say. I'm busy running, in the gym, playing hockey, and football. Never mind working the two jobs, 6 days a week, as well as trying to just have some time to myself. Oh right, and the kids - not like i can forget them or anything. Although, both boys and i have alternate plans for each others bedrooms if something "horrible" was to befall one of us... One boys room would be a gym room, the others the "media" room... I'm not quite sure what they'll do with my room if i were to have an "accident", but I'm almost certain i wouldn't like it. Sorry lost track for a sec... Ya pretty busy these first months of the year, and although its almost to much, i must say i really am enjoying myself. Three more weeks then the first race is in. The run for water should be a great warm up to the Tough Mudder and im actually a tad excited to run it. Lots of training, i can't wait to see how it works out.

So yes i know what you're thinking... The title of this blog should read "Running Religiously", not "Religious, Running". But hold on a second, this title is two topics, not one. Yep im running, upwards of almost 40km a week, and some runs over 18km a go! Nuff said, running running and more running.
 Now to the religious part. Recently, well in the past few months or so, a friend of mine (god i hope she wont be pissed in me mentioning this, no pun intended), read a great article on compartmentalization and how it relates to religion and non religious people. It is well written and really does do an excellent job at describing how the human mind can pick and choose its own reality, as well as how an argument going one direction or another is really never going to get any results. I will include the link now, but be warned - if you are at all intelligent there is a GOOD chance this might change your views on things. Its a longish read, but i highly suggest that it is time well spent.

 http://freethought.mbdojo.com/rationalthinkingmadeeasy.html

Anyway, after reading this article my friend "again, please don't be pissed", put some serious inward thinking in place, and decided to forgo religion. Now i know what all the religious people are saying right now... "Oh your friend doesn't have strong faith", or "clearly they were not believers to begin with", or any such other drivel that could be spewed at first thought... BUT i ask you this, maybe its none of those things? Maybe its actually common fucking sense. Maybe, just maybe, there is actually intelligence taking over where ignorance has ruled this planet for centuries? Just a thought... Maybe this video might explain things?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeSSwKffj9o&sns=fb

Right? He's got a point, or 4! OK so by now if you're religious you hate me, and believe me to be ignorant, damned, or a tool of the devil, or some other bs crap. The reality of this is clear - read the first link i posted in this blog. You cannot, and will never, ever convince me until you can provide proof. NOT "I just know", or " you have to believe", or "open your heart", etc etc etc... Seriously, READ the article again...
Why am i bringing this up now? Well I'll tell you... For the past few months i have been running, and running... And running. Sundays i run the farthest - and every Sunday i am tripping over "god folk" all day. They are door to door, they are parking all over the f'n streets. They think its ok to actually block off sections of public roads for their own necessities. They pull in and out of parking lots filled with GODS WORD, but can't remember the words of their driving teachers! I've almost been run over 5 times running past the driveway of a church! Then while im stretching, cooling down or just trying to relax after my Sunday run, they come to my door, and try and help me with some pamphlets, and magazines, that surely will change my mind if i just consider the written words...AHHHHHHH...   So ya, i guess they really have gotten under my skin. 

So there you have it - im done. Not a great lesson in the end, not some awe inspiring point of view from any of this. If you can take anything from this blog post its this... If one devout Christian can read one article - use their intellect and decide to walk away from religion, then perhaps if ALL of my massive reading followers shared this same link, then maybe perhaps we could sway a few others into intelligent rational thinking, and then they would, and so on and so on... Not quite door to door method like my religious counterparts do, but still spreading the word. Right?

Cory

Half way there

Well, its been 8 weeks (almost 2 months) of training and i must say, i am tired. I am doing my absolute best to keep on track (lol - get it? On track? Ahhh ya...) Anyway, running is going good, and is about to hit an all time milestone for me. As of this next upcoming Sunday i am about to run further than i have ever run before. My weekly "long run" will exceed 10km and move up to 12km, and its a big deal! I mean i have run more i suppose while in the service, i guess, but we never tracked it and counted it like i am now, so i can't be certain. And this is just the tip of the iceberg! From this point forward it goes up by 2km increments until i get 20km!!! That's right people, by week 16 i will be running 20km at one go, and apparently conditioned enough to survive it! Crazy right? Ya im at a bit of a loss as well; who in the hell does this sort of thing? Why ever would i be ok with the idea that a 20km run was a good thing, never mind look forward to it. Although i must say it does scare me a bit, but ya, 20km runs... Just mind boggling.
Ya, so tired... Really tired. Then there is my crazy Sunday's - they are not helping. Run a long run Sunday morning - all good. But then go play football for an hour and a half? Then off to hockey for 2 hours? Stupid stupid stupid... Every Monday (well for the last 2 anyway), i have been sore, crippled, tired, beaten up, and just all and all a mess. BUT - i can say i feel great for accomplishing so much in one day. But as i look forward i must admit my days of doing 3 sports in one day are coming to an end. There is no way i can survive this later in my training schedule especially when im working up to 20km runs. So hockey will have to remain on Wednesday nights only, and running and football will have to co-exist with each other on Sundays. That's going to be the best i can do i think. Don't even get me started with my not so regular gym workout schedule. Lets just say that what was once 6 days a week is a real success if i see 4 days a week now. So depressing... Now to address my last blog closing statement:
DIET - the other 4 letter word.  Not to be confused with starving myself, or following some crazy points system or any other kind of junk, but diet as in the food choices i have been making. I swear the more i do the hungrier i get, and damn if could just say no to food at 9pm! I love chips, i love chocolate, and sour candy is a definite "must have" for junk food movie night with the boys. I would probably be down 20lbs by now if i could just steer clear of that crap, but with the boys home all the time, its a real tough one to leave out of the house. I eat TONS of vegetables, lots of lean meats, smart carbs galore, but there is no denying my desire for bad carbs and sweets. Don't get me wrong, my weight is definitely not going up, but its not necessarily going down either. And it's not like im doing this as a weight loss plan, but it should be a nice side effect. Instead i have seen the scale slowly, and i mean very slowly, drop a pound or two at best. There is a VERY good chance i've lost more body fat than a pound or two, and my weight loss is slowed by muscle gain, but since i didn't take per-measurements like i usually would have its impossible for me to tell really. Clothes still fit, if not even a little better (looser where they should be, and tighter where i want them to be), but it would be nice to know for sure what my body is doing and where. Oh well, not something i can dwell on now. But as of this week things are changing, i intend to start making better food choices, skip the evening snacks and see what i can accomplish to close of the month of March. It has become painfully evident to me that if i do not drop some excess weight before the Tough Mudder, the tougher it will be to pull it off! When running and maneuvering obstacles there are 3 major enemies; Fatigue, yourself, and your body. You must have the endurance to complete - that is what the training is for, you must have the mind set you can do it - mind over matter, and finally you have to fight the physical you. You are at a constant struggle with gravity and your resistance to it. The less you weigh and the stronger you are make it that much easier to complete an obstacle or finish the race. So, with some tighter rules and better food choices, it should really make a difference (im hoping). 
Anyway thats about it today. Working hard, playing hard, and eating poor - at least until today. Hopefully my next post will highlight my success with the fork. 
 

Seriously, WTF am i thinking?

Salutations!!! Yet again its time to blog. I have so much on my mind i think its time i get a bit out before a serious pinata style headache takes hold. 
 First off, little dogs... Yep, that's right I'm throwing down here. I have friends with little dogs, i have friends who have friends with little dogs, my point being - i am not biased. I like Brock-Lee, I really do. BUT... Why do small dog owners feel its OK to bring their dog with them into stores, work, and even friends houses without some sort of prior consent? I mean seriously, if i took a Great Dane to Starbucks with me, or into the mall, or hell, over to a friends house, people would lose their shit! But because your dog is the size of a rodent, it's OK? Well then, how about people with pet rats, gerbils, ferrets, and the like? Is it ok that they have a rat in their purse at the grocery store or in the mall? I ask you, small dog owner, would you be ok with your friend coming over for coffee, and just letting his pet rat run freely through your home? Probably not. Now lets also consider the man with small dogs... Great, you feel comfortable enough with your masculinity that owning a small dog has no effect on you. Good, all men should be comfortable with themselves, in any environment - even if it's less than masculine. BUT, why is there so many male senior citizens with small dogs? I'll tell you why - years of being pussy whipped by their wives. It's not their dog, it's their wives dog. But like any human, the more you spend time with ANY animal, the more you grow to love it. SO you end up with old guy, with two teacup poodles walking them and picking up their shit, while the real boss sits in the truck and waits for the work to be done. SERIOUSLY - take the wife out of the picture, and those dogs would never have made it through the front door - and you all know it! Ok I'm done with this topic.
Moving along... I'm busy, and i mean really busy. I shared my schedule with my employer yesterday, and she quite honestly looked at me like i grew an extra limb while we were talking. So, when i got to the gym last night, i took a few minutes between sets to write down all the things i have to do today, and every day, and took real stock of my life... I will share with you now my day(s). Oh and i know, we are all very busy, so don't think this is a "my life is way busier than yours" thing, ok? It's just stupid on what i am fitting into days lately. Ok, so... Get up, get out the door - we can all understand what we do in the morning to get out of the house so no need for details here. If it weren't for my girlfriend lately i would add get two kids ready and out the door as well. Then work all day - same as you, each of us has different work loads, but a job is a job. And yes i know, shoveling gravel all day or roofing is harder on the body than sitting in an office, but lets just call a job a job, ok? (And for the record my day job is VERY physical 7 out of 10 days). Days over, go home, make dinner, then to the gym, go for a run, come home. Make lunches (again easier lately as my girlfriend has been a tremendous help), clean up. Somewhere in there i get about 2 hours downtime to hang with the kids - awesome right? ya i know, but its all i can spare them these days. And repeat - 6 days a week. Yep, 40+ out of 52 weeks a year i work 6 days a week. NOW this is where the WTF am i thinking portion of this blog comes from. My typical schedule, plus stuff i didn't list like grocery shopping, house cleaning, book keeping for my business and business association, etc etc etc, i sign up for a Sunday football league as well. Not a big deal right? Well with my current training schedule, that means i have to do my long run - which will be in excess of 12km before the end of March, then play football for an afternoon... OK, totally doable, if not a bit exhausting. So what genius thing do i do next? I sign up for a mens roller hockey league on Wednesday nights!! So ya, i run 5 days a week, work out 6 days a week, play football, now hockey, and i haven't even touched on things i should be doing... My boys and i ride every summer motor-cross. Then there is sports - as in my boys will also be in something this year. And how about home improvement?! I seriously need to paint my new place (2 years old now), and have so much organizing and cleaning to do i just might have to take a day or two off of my job just to get it done before spring cleanup is finished. And finally lets not forget my friends... I love them. They are all of my life - without them i would be lost, broken, and have no family. I could not go through life without there support, laughs, and friendship... WHEN DO I GET TO SEE THEM! So ya, WTF is wrong with me? Why do i feel the need to do all of this, all at once??


Anyway, clearly i have a few spare moments here and there - otherwise i wouldn't have time to blog. Truthfully, i wrote most of this last night around 3am - did i mention I'm not a good sleeper? Anyway, a quick 15 minutes at work and i was able finish and publish this. Clearly some proof reading is in order, but maybe i will edit this another time - time permitting of course. 


And now to the training portion of my blog... I ran yesterday, gonna run today. Prolly run tomorrow too. Still no fuel band - not available yet. New shoes are good (had them a year now, just started using them Sunday). that is all. Oh totally forgot - remind me next blog to discuss my "menu"...


C