Merry Fucking Christmas

             So where to begin. Well first off, I'm sorry, i apologize for my late postings, i have been very self absorbed as of late, and just can't seem to find the time these days. I will do my best to make a greater effort to write more frequently for you people. Wouldn't want my loyal fan base of 4 to be disappointed. There, apologies out of the way, on to other things.
          
            MERRY CHRISTMAS! Happy New Year! BLAH BLAH BLAH... Seriously, you can all take your good spirits and stuff em right up your merry asses! I grow exceeding wary of all this good will towards men, and happy cheery BS. The economy is still fucked, money is still stupid tight, and yet we still all seem to feel the need to spend money on a bogus amount of gifts because someones Messiah was born on an upcoming day. And lets just not get carried away here, its not like this is the first "god" like being to be born on Dec 25th. Do some homework people and before you condemn me to a burning hell after life, realize that one book just re-wrote what another book had already written, again and again, so long as there has been written word... Bill said it best when he described religion. If a few people believe in a zombie that can walk on water they are crazy, but if a few million believe, then its religion! My point being - I'm tired of the commercialization of a holiday, I'm tired of religion - all of them. And I'm especially tired of people passing on the Christmas spirit like they just watched Scrooged 25 times in a row... This is the same assholes than not two weeks ago, and two weeks from now that will speed up if you try and pass them, not signal, cut you off in lines, give you the finger, steal a parking spot and most likely spit on you rather than talk to you any other given day of the year. But because "tis the season" we all should just roll over and be nicer. Well fuck me, if ever a hypocrisy existed... Enough about that. Sorry but i just couldn't keep it in any longer.

            My gym still goes OK, if not a little less motivated than usual. Running is OK, and should be back on track as soon as i get my treadmill re-assembled. Ya it broke, i took it apart, ordered the part, its now arrived - damaged, but i think i should still be able to use it. I will put it together tomorrow most likely, and if all goes well, should be back to 4-6 miles twice a day. Eating still is an issue for me, and i recognize emotional eating patterns. This is going to stop. Well that's the diet/health thing in a nut shell...

          Turning 38 next month and i have to say I'm more than a little disappointed with how long it has taken for me to move forward in my life. Things should be back on track and heading in all the right directions by now, god its been over a year, and still I'm dragging my ass. Don't know what the issues are, but i seriously have to move through them. Finishing school hopefully by end of January, and with any luck the RCMP will say yes, and i can be a cop by year end of 2011... Who knows, but at least its a direction right. Failing that, i might just decide the Army calls, if i can get the boys behind me. Otherwise its back to the grind and try and figure out what in my life is missing or broken. Anyway this is my pre-holiday blog, I'm sure i will have lots more to say post this great season.

         Thanks for listening - er reading, or whatever.

Never again?!

Never again. Simple words, entirely straight and to the point. Very easy to understand, never really requires any thought or interpretation. Only one catch; you can't forget what it was you'd never let happen again. That is the hard part. What exactly was it that you said would never again happen, and why did you say it to begin with, and more importantly did you say it with any resolve, or was it just a bad moment? And then there's the final factor. Is there wiggle room? Is there an allotted amount of "give" to this resolve, or is this a resolute unwavering line that will never again be crossed? Can your promise to yourself be softened, relaxed and used more as a guideline, rather than a rule? Oh and this is a good one, and is there an exception to breaking the rule, ignoring it, or perhaps letting it "slip" once and awhile? What ever are the penalties, punishments or consequences to being less to yourself?
Lots of questions to one simple statement, and questions i find need answers, now rather than later. So many times i get the warning in my head, the pain in my stomach that reminds me, warns me, prods me to remember my resolve, and all the while questions me to why i ever made it. Its like chasing something unknown through the dark, only to catch it and not understand or remember why you were chasing it at all. I can't even say its frustrating, more perhaps disappointing than anything else. Every fibre in my being is screaming at me, and for the life of me, i can't understand what its saying. Is this what the jumper on the bridge is doing? Is he standing there for long hours, fucking up traffic and every ones day by listening to the screams, trying to decipher if they are saying, "no don't do it!" or "jump, do it!"? What exactly is it saying to me, and why can't i remember what it was i wasn't going to let happen again? Was is it that i was never again going to be complacent with my life and how i move through it day in and day out? Or was it that i would never again let myself be open to getting hurt, build my walls and hide behind them? OR was it i would never again hide behind them?! Would i never again be trusting, or was it never again let my heart blind my mind, or my heart should always lead?  Was it a blanket coverage of "never again", meaning i would never again let all these things happen; even though they contradict one another quite often. Was i never again going to let my life slide by without the steering wheel firmly in my hand, Never going to be fooled by my heart, or lose the opportunity to love because of my head? Whatever it was and however it was said, it seems to be pounding on my door, and either im terrified to open it and look, or im trying desperately to get it open and can't get the lock undone, either way it's near unbearable.
Too many times, too many lives, too many. And every time it returns me to here, a crossroads of sorts. Keep on going on, or time to make a hard right, or firm left and drive my way, my direction, for me. At what point is it ok to push my life, my destiny in my favor, damning all others around me to sort out the mess? Or is it cowardice? Should i continue to bare the burdens of my responsibilities and justify my existence as necessary for others, or do i place myself first at all other costs. And christ if i do, am i breaking my resolve, or strengthening it? Its maddening!

Wow, just read my prattle and realized how fucked up my head is right now, sorry for the Edgar Allen Poe drivel i spewed, WTF  right??? No worries, all will be good, in time. Till then...

WTF is with drivers today? Yep serious question, and as you are mostly all driving ask yourself this... If you were walking to the movies and someone walked quickly past you, would you speed up so they didn't get in a line before you? And if someone was walking in front of you, and stopped, would you yell at them, maybe scream a profanity, and run around them? If you were in an elevator and someone was trying to get in when you were trying to get out, would you be polite and let them in, then step out, or would you just jump out in front of them and give them a dirty look? Point here, drive like you walk. Don't be a jerk, be courteous, give a little. Or some of us will drive like we walk... With a big stick!

Paying the price

In as many days as its been, I've lost count of the numerous things i have seen, been aggravated about, and wanted to bitch about. So, instead i will do what i should have months ago, and vow publicly to renew my resolve. I will, without question, begin to run more regularly, work out harder, eat better and become the person i intend to be. Not just physically but mentally as well. I will complete my education, upgrade where necessary and then take a serious look at career training, rather than just self employment, as that seems to be failing the pay scale as of late.
        Why you ask am i doing this? Why now? Why should i be concerned after I've accomplished so much already. I will use a term that we used to say daily while i served... Complacency kills. That's right, if you become complacent, if you relax your resolve, settle for the ordinary, get comfortable with your surroundings, you will soon find that the "everyday" will be the death of you, or in this case, the death of your progress. Like all things, in order to show improvement in what you choose to do, you must change the lifestyle that supports it. You cannot quit drinking then have a little here and there - ask any A.A. member. Same goes for health and fitness. You cannot expect to win if you change your eating and exercise habits just until you reach a goal. Inevitably you will return to your old habits and become just the thing you trained so hard to leave behind. So, i can honestly say, i have become complacent; and its killing me. I don't run like i did, i don't train like i did, i don't weigh as little as i did, and i don't look as good as i did - just 4 months ago... So much work undone by so little effort. Its horrible. If every day i had to run to a location to feed myself, and everything i put in my mouth i had to lift 500 times, there is a good chance i would eat less, and be more careful i what i ate, and when. So i begin anew. I will harden my resolve, i will re-enforce my will, and i will once again do whatever is necessary to see my goals and wants achieved. (So long as my wants aren't pie and cookies :) ). Currently i weigh 225LBS, up from the 214 i so easily achieved not 3 months ago. I will vow to be down to 210 before my 38th birthday this January. I will also achieve a 48 minute 10km run. Add to this "realization of goals", the goal of achieving better company success, or better employment income, through work or a new Career.
Wish me luck!

O Canada

Well i guess it was only a matter of time. Without much noise or fan fair, here we are, all wondering the same thing. How ever did we get these new laws in effect and never ever have a chance on voting on them, or even having a say on how they work. We are supposed to be a democracy, but no one i can think of had any say on what is taking place here. So we just eat it, like always... Well if no one else will say something, i sure in the hell will...
              Ok if you are going to change drinking and driving laws, then have it make some sense... As it stands today, a couple couldn't go for dinner and have a glass of wine without risking vehicle impoundment, thousands in fines, and loss of licence. No they won't get drunk, hell they won't even feel the glass of wine, but god knows after they have it they become the most dangerous couple on  the road next to Mickey and Mallory Knox!. Come on already, i get it, don't drink and drive! Ok fine, but be serious, zero tolerance? Fuck off - last time i checked 0.08 was more than fair. But now its not safe if we are at 0.05... If its that much of a risk and safety issue then maybe you should be banning alcohol and going back to prohibition! Now lets add to this rediculousness with a new speeding law... 40km over the limit - and again with the fines and the licence and the impounding of the car, etc... IF you want to enforce speed limits, then maybe its time you reveiw the limits to begin with. Zero ave is a great example my friend put out... It is a long farm road that borders the US and EVERYONE takes as an alternate to the freeway to get to town... It currently has a posted limit of 50km/h... Ok so why then does Vye rd have an 80km/h limit? If you change the laws, then review the limits too... Zero ave's limits were set in the 40's... Cars today are better than cars in the 40's - they stop better, they corner better, they are safer. Hell 50km/h is intersection speed, not open road speed. Now if this were a movie this would be enough drama right? Nope this is life, so lets add a new cell phone law too... The only thing to say about this one is this; If you're a shit driver, and crash when using a phone and driving, don't do it. Seriously people, should we have a law about not letting anyone in Richmond back into parking stalls because they tend to crash more? Maybe a law that says no more left hand turns because intersections are dangerous, 3 rights will make a left. GOD!!!
        So why do they change the laws without looking at the real problems? Well you're gonna love this. The provincial governement just put together a team of 50 employee's to collect fines and penalties over these new laws, because they recognize the revenue this is going to generate!!! Thats right, after the HST they can't take more from us openly, so they have decided its better to smack us on the pee pee's and make us feel bad for doing what we do, rather than being mad at them for doing what they do! So, HST, new fines and laws, all so that we can what? Right, save ourselves from a poor economy. Listen, i love BC but my god can our governments take any more fun out of our lives without just kicking in our doors and taking what they want? What next, manditory house hold searches for illegal stuff? Jailing for downloading, or debtors prison? I thought society was moving forward, not backward. There are less freedoms in this country now, than there were when i fought for them 17 years ago. Why'd i fight for them again?

      OK fine, im sorry. Before any of you post comments on how you've lost a loved one to drinking drivers or road racers or such, i'll say it now, sorry. Im not talking about the assholes, im talking about joe average, late for work, tight in the wallet cause of the economy, getting completely fucked over because our local government is fucked up.  Lets look at this another way... Our beloved province passed a law you have to pre pay for fuel because 1 guy played the hero on a gas and run situation and died. Horrible as it was, lets be real here; Cops die every day being hero's. Firemen die every day being hero's. There is no law that says all flamable items must be accompanied with a fire extinguisher. Nor are there any laws that say any persons doing harm to any officer must be killed or thrown from the country. Nope, cops keep dying, firemen keep dying doing things they know are dangerous, but no law changes there. 1 hero at a gas station dies and we change society interaction immediately. Again not taking away from this kids death, but come one, when is it going to be enough? When is it going to be that the politically correct way isn't the only way? Lets face it, we all grew up being told we were bad, being spanked, failing grades, being held responsible for our actions, and still turned out ok. Now we have to pass kids so they don't feel bad, we have to have fun when we compete, its not about winning, and if you speak your mind out loud, you are immediately a racist, a narrow minded red neck, or a cold person. Ahhhh! Get over it people! You might actually have sucked in school - thats why you should fail. You might have deserved losing in sports, try harder!

      In the end my point is this; Why does our government continue to punish us horribly for the minor things, and continue to let rapists, murderers, child molesters, and repeat offenders on the streets? I'll tell you why, its money. Our government has become a business not a governing body. They can't make money off of scum because they have none. Why fine a zero, he can't pay, and has nothing to offer. But fine the blue collar guy, he will cary the government pensions for us, the medical system and our exorbanent wages and tripple pensions just fine. If our government really wanted to save money and tighten the budget, they could. Google this because im not making it up;

• Correctional services expenditures totalled almost $3 billion in 2005/6, up 2% from the previous year.
• Custodial services (prisons) accounted for the largest proportion (71%) of the expenditures, followed by community supervision services (14%), headquarters and central services (14%), and National Parole Board and provincial parole boards (2%).
• This figure does not include policing or court costs which bring the total expenditures up to more than $10 billion for the year.

Do the math people... the average cost to house a rapist is $94,553.25 per year... Most of us don't come close to that income yearly... So maybe if we actually killed the murderers, rapists, violent criminals we would have surplus in our budget. This would lead to less taxes, better funded medical and educational system, which would also lead to less need from our government to take more from us to save our ever buggered deficits and economy. But its just politically incorrect to kill the bad people. They can be reformed, saved, turned around... If i told the father of a girl that got raped, or a mother of a son that got killed at a gas station, that they could make $94,000 a year, for the entire time of incarseration of the offender, if they just had to kill the bastard, i pretty much gaurantee they'd do it. So instead of giving a tax payer $94k a year, they spend it on someone who will not pay taxes, who will not get "better" and most likely will never be a positive contributer to society.
        Im not saying the prison system and capital punishment is the answer. Im saying its one step, and there is hundreds more our government could be doing , rather then taxing and squeazing all the money out of joe average. Thats all...

Oh but right, its not politically correct....

A real man

Well its about time i make a post here, that some people need to seriously read. I may be out of date, or old fashioned or hell, maybe even sexist, but why o why do women have the need to believe that romance novels are anything but novels? And for the record, I'm not attacking anyone specific here, or dropping hints or anything. I am merely making an observation, because its starting to kill me. This whole politically correct society we live in is just starting to wear thin on me, and the BS is really starting to stack up, so i figured I'd just put it out there. OK, so I'm getting a bit tired of some facebook comments that keep floating around, describing to women what the perfect guy is. It goes something like this:
               
                               "If you hang up he calls you back. He doesn't tell you you're sexy or hot, he says you're beautiful. He holds your hand in front of his friends and shows you off. He will take you to a chick flick and cry with you, he might menstruate somewhat but he's still a man...." BLAH! Its this kind of drivel that got women reading romance novels and watching Dr. Phil. I don't know if its just me, or if its that I'm out of touch or out of date, but this is my take on what a real man should be like:


                              We have calloused hands because we work hard, at work or in the gym, or whatever. We will not call someone back who hangs up on us. You hung up for a reason, why would we go against your wishes? We do not own a magic 8 ball, and do not read minds or believe for a minute that we should already know whats wrong. If there was something wrong you would have told us. We want to hear about your problems because we want to solve them. Bitching about them and doing nothing to resolve the issue is just bitching. We actually believe violence will and can solve some problems. We have taken and given someone a punch, because they/we deserved it. We  tell you you're hot and sexy because we  believe you're hot and sexy. If we didn't think you were beautiful we wouldn't be with you.  We don't actually like chick flicks, and although we are capable of crying, we choose not to at all costs. Its not that we are afraid people will see us cry, its because we know crying doesn't solve anything, and there is a time and a place for such things. Crying because we are upset isn't going to solve the problem, and if it did, we would... A lot. We are OK if you dress us, we understand you know fashion and are OK with the input. We will not wear a cardigan regardless of what you say. We want to look our best for you, but understand, we still are men. We are OK taking on responsibilities, even if the weight of them will cripple us, and crush us in a world of stress. Its our duty as men to take them on, and we do it regardless to ourselves.  We do the right thing, even when the result of the right thing brings us grief, pain, and in some instances death. We believe that women and children are fragile, delicate things that should never be harmed, at all costs.


I could go on, but I'm sure you all get the message. We as men, feel duty in making sure that your problems become ours, so we can make them go away. We love and cherish you, because if we didn't, again we wouldn't be there.  If you're looking for a guy with perfect hair, dresses amazing, soft hands with manicured finger nails, who doesn't swear, has no scars, or cuts on his hands, and really believes Fuchsia is a color, than you're not looking for a man, you're looking for a woman with a penis. Now I'm not saying that if you know a guy like that, he's not a man. I'm just saying if someone try's to rob you on a dark street one evening, there is a very good chance you're going to lose all your stuff if he's with you.


So that's it, it had to be said. If you're a guy and disagree with me, then fine. Its you're choice, but you know deep down when push came to shove, you have to put up or shut up, so hey, maybe its time you step up...