Dark Comedy

Well its like some stupid joke that i just don't get. Everyone is laughing, only because every else is laughing. They don't understand it either and are laughing so no one knows they dont get it. Confused yet? Ya me too. Here is an example:


 Take for instance the round-a-bouts that are now scattered all over the Fraser Valley; specifically the ones about Abbotsford. The city built them, because someone told them they were more traffic friendly and efficient than traffic lights. Fewer accidents and less to maintain. So the city ran with what they were told. SOMEONE should have told the advisers that 95% of Fraser Valley drivers can't drive in circle, watch where they are going, and watch other cars moving at the same time! Seriously, if you have a populous that can barely operate a 4 way stop, how in the hell do you think they can manage a constant merging 4 way stop?! I mean it seems simple enough, just drive and when the road turns, you turn, If there is a car or truck coming, wait to turn... Huh, not to crazy right? I drive through two "panic circles" as the major populous treats them, every day going to work. And every day if it wasn't for my horn i'd still be parked behind someone who has to completely make sure the panic circle is empty before entering. And only upon honking do they actually lurch forward, at always the worst time to cut off someone or to just tease me that they might move. I could go on, but seriously, if you understand my pain you are a driver. If you're still laughing at the joke, maybe its time to buy a bus pass.


Another dark joke seems to be my current situation. I have somehow walked away from a good thing, only because i think that the good thing deserves a good thing. Only, really, i think i am a good thing so WTF am i thinking? And in the end whats worse here, being wrong or being right? Ah fuck it, i seriously need to fix my shit before my shit fixes me.
 All i really know is im tired of my own BS and emotional self destruction. Every day i seem to step into this armor and protect myself from any and all who might move to expose me. And every night i try and find a way for that person to get through the cracks and find me, only to panic when they do. I know i've gone on about this shit before, but honestly if i don't talk about it, er, write about it, then i don't think im going to be able to unravel it. So...


Oh another completely random dark joke seems to be my lack of ability to be in 3 places at once, although i can't help but try. Again its simple, there is only one of me, why do i make plans with 3 different people and then rather than just cancel on 2, i just run and shuffle and race to try and make everyone happy, all the while making myself miserable? So.Fucking.Funny. hahaha :(


Well, im still dying to hear the punchline, or at least one I understand, and i hope it comes fast. I miss the good, I miss the normality of it all, and i miss the comfort it brings. And although the chaos that is ensuing is in some strange way fun, i really could use the rest.

I've been thinking

So that was summer eh? Bummer... I mean really, it was fun, hot and all that - just seemed amazingly short! I didn't go camping, i didn't get to do nearly as much riding as i wanted to, and honestly i was kind of hoping to see more than one beach this year... Well, there's always next year i suppose. At least i did get some riding in - even if it wasn't a monumental road trip like i had originally hoped, again maybe next year. By then maybe I'll have my new bike, or new truck, or both?! Right, as soon as i win the lottery :)

Anyway things to say, and right off let me start by saying once again, this as always is a way for me to clear my head. I use this to vent, think, reflect and recycle my emotions, thoughts and problems. It is not used to air my BS, shake those around me that read it, or to drive home any secret messages that I'm not brave enough to say directly to you. If its important, if you need to hear it - believe me when i say, you'll hear it. Understand? Good...

So as of late I've been once again challenged in my thinking. I've been put into positions which have made me re-evaluate my thinking patterns, my goals and directions. In some cases its re-affirmed my stance and made me very clear on my ideals. In others its made me rethink my position, check my reality and question my resolve. In every case its had the same result; I know what i want, and what i don't want. I know where it is i want to go, and have a firm understanding of what i am willing to compromise on and what I'm not. So all in all a great exercise in self evaluation and i really have come to enjoy the challenges of my rationality. It's made me concentrate on the here and now, as well as made me really give energy to the planning of my future. I've wrestled with the idea of not getting into the RCMP, as well as formed a plan of action as a secondary option to that failure (OK, maybe not failure but... well you get it).

 I've also realized once again what is important in my life, and what things really make me happy. My life it seems, is starting to once again get on track. I'm happy, I'm confident, business is improving and so is my attitude. More than pleased with my social life, and starting to really open my eyes to what is necessary in my life in order for me to remain happy. BUT...

Always a but. Recently I've realized there are parts of me that still aren't over my past, and honestly I'm starting to worry if i will ever truly heal.  I understand all things take time, but whether it be a self defence system inertly ingrained in my being, or just straight out cowardice, in any event it sits there in the dark corners waiting for danger. At the very first sign of emotional risk it springs out and shuts down almost everything that is me. Its all i can do some days to keep it back, to remain calm and not run for my life. Other times i can push it back at will and move on. Yet still there are times it doesn't even rear its ugly head - like all is well in the world. I don't quite understand it, nor do i have any control over it, but its been a pain more than a few times in recent months. I would never have considered myself someone who carries their heart in their hand, but the scars of relationships past still plague me it seems. Clearly I'm not very good at the "love'em and leave'em" kind of relationship. A good friend told me that every relationship you get into you will inevitably fall in love. And that even when it ends, and you tell yourself you'll never feel that way again, it happens again, whether you want it to or not. So get used to the pain, and remember its as fleeting as the love. Good news or bad? Not sure how to take that. I do know i love the feeling of being loved, and need someone to hold. It seems to complete me - having that special someone. I'm sure that's the reality for most people out there, but its like some flash of genius hit me and I've suddenly realized it. Anyway i digress...

I guess the whole point of this entry was to share the fact that I've been thinking, and the outcome has been positive. I've been challenged, and I've come through the other side feeling renewed, refreshed and with clarity. The future is never certain, but i can say with certainty that I'm feeling good about my decisions, my direction, and the company that is getting me there. As always my friends are my strength - they say you can't choose your family - but i have, and I'm pleased with my selection.

Cryptic Bull Shit

Wisdom. It takes years of experiences, good and bad, to develop it. Everyone has some amount of it, some more than others, but everyone has some level of it. So why does it seem the more i learn the more i experience, the less i tend to use it when i should?

Seriously now, how is it possible that after making such a huge mistake once, that i can't learn from it and be more guarded against it again. Is is desperation, need, fear? When does wants and desires over turn common sense and rational thinking? Clearly more often than not with me. The more i analyze my current situation, i can't help but see the rationale in it. I know why it went the distance it did, i understand why i let it happen, and i can even see how it happened without me actually catching on until the very end. But still i don't think i could stop it if i wanted to. Well at least not stop it from happening and still be me. I suppose if i stepped out of myself, changed my personality and values, i might have been able to change the outcome, at least on my side. But in the end it wouldn't have been me, nor would it have been what i wanted. Not that i wanted this exactly, but i must admit given different circumstances it would be what i want. So here i am now, with the tide changed, the wind blowing the entirely wrong way. My compass is fucked and quite frankly the next few steps will be entirely in the dark. So what to do? Well, the aggressive person in me says run head first at it, engage it and kill it quick, before anymore damage can be done. But the more rational side of me says play it out and see where it goes, see if its actually a bad thing or a good thing. You're not living if you're not learning.  Then finally the emotional side of me says never again, and at the same time wants exactly that. So, dilemmas dilemmas.

 The best thing about a quandary, at least for me, is the solution. I hate problems but i love solving them. It might be my reason, at least on a subconscious level, for why i get into them to begin with. Everyone seems to have a degree of drama in their life. Some level of BS that in some way manifests itself into our lives. Trust me when i say i don't want any, none of us do, but for some reason we all have some of it, and most of us are a tad guilty of creating it ourselves. So is my desire to solve problems so acute, that i actually allow myself to ignore my wisdom and let it take place just so i have something to fix? WTF? I know how stupid that sounds, but honestly i can't figure it out. For the life of me why else would i allow it to continue? So once again here i am with a problem, or rather a dilemma. It started with me wanting something, getting it, and somewhere along the path of attaining it, realizing that what i was looking for has changed. And now exactly what i have, what i wanted, is not at all what i want.

Confused yet? Ya me too. So why blog so cryptically about it? Why not spit it out and share with you all (all 6 of you) what it is im talking about? Well, to be honest, im a bit confused myself and don't want to destroy something that i actually might want. Also im more than a bit worried that if i made it so clear that it would impact the wrong people the wrong way.  And since i said "to be truthful" i guess i should be entirely honest... Im afraid. Im afraid that if i say or do the wrong thing, that everything i have will fall. Its like im playing a wicked game of Janga for all the beans, its my move and the tower is already shaky. So by sharing the entire picture with all of you might just be the wrong piece to pull and it will all come toppling down.

 So i will continue to use my blog for its intended purpose, to clear my mind, get my thoughts out, and make me feel better. If you are entertained along the way, great. If not, stop reading.  Either way this is my utility for clearing my head, when running and the gym don't do it. failing this, well... I don't know, maybe sleep will turn it off for awhile, assuming sleep will come. The only thing i know for certain right this second, is the longer i do nothing, the longer nothing will change.

 So do i live the coward, or do i die the hero?
Here's hoping the hero lives on :)

Broken puzzles

I know the pieces fit cause i watched them fall away...

Really that is a great description of my mental state this evening. I can't say why i feel this way, I can't even comment on whether or not this feeling is substantiated, or just some weird side effect of actually winding down after a really busy 10 days. Could it be the drinking blues? I have had quite a bit of the bottle the past 10 days, but it has been vacation time this back half of the 10, and i can't really say its been to excess with the exception of 3 days out of the 10, so i doubt that's it. So then what?


I know for certain my "busy, stay moving, stay motivated, can't stand still, won't sit still, death will slow me down eventually" pace doesn't seem to be enough anymore to keep my mind off of whatever it is im dodging. Every time things slow down, my mind races with thoughts i don't like, realities i don't want to face, and truths i don't want to hear. Again its like im running through the dark, hoping i won't trip, trying to get somewhere - but i can't for the life of me remember where it is im trying to get to. I am beyond frustrated, and im angry and disappointed with myself. I know im better than this, and whatever it is that is making me feel this way is probably the solution to why im not at my best. The puzzle is right here, i know, i've seen the complete picture, and now after i've dropped it i can't seem to get it back together. Its not from lack of effort, this i know. It's also not lack of vision - i know what i want. My planning, although a bit scattered, is still sound. It's focus, or rather lack there of. Which then puts the thought in my head...


 Is it ok? Is it ok to let go, stop trying to get wherever it is im trying to get to and just coast for awhile? I mean, relax and just live a bit - nothing wrong with that right? So why is it every time i don't drive hard towards what i want i feel like im wasting precious time? Never mind, not knowing exactly what it is i want. I mean i know, or at least i think i know, i just don't know, ya know? LOL Yep the pieces are definitely not fitting together right this second. A friend of mine told me a great story on how his life got so much more simpler the day he discovered he could give up. LOL, no kidding, he has  this great wrestling story from high school. How he was constantly struggling to win fight after fight, and then one day he just realized he could quit. Stop trying and quit. And BAM - life was a breeze. No pressure, no disappointments, just day by day happy with what happens. Now i know a complete collapse of effort would do me no good, but his story has some great truth in it. We all try hard to get ahead, we all are working for that "brass ring" or whatever it is we need to accomplish in our lives, and at what time is it ok to not be driving hard towards that goal? And should we feel guilty if we don't reach it? Failure? Or is it ok, because we gave up, and giving up isn't a bad thing as long as we are happy? Damn, even the thought of quiting angers me, makes me feel like a failure. So...


So quiting is out of the picture, and failure isn't an option - so how do i find focus? How do i find exactly where im going  and drive hard for it when i can't seem to see the direction of travel and get side tracked by almost anything... Oh look a squirrel!


Anyway, this has turned into a huge rambling session with no real direction or resolution - big surprise. I remember a time when things seemed far better, more in control, and more complete... But then again, were they?


"I know the pieces fit cause I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering, fundamental differing,
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication
The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication.

I know the pieces fit cause I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication

The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,
And the circling is worth it
Finding beauty in the dissonance

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication

Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion

Between supposed lovers"


~Tool - Schism.


About two lovers, but a lot of the words can be placed on "my goal" just the same.

Thank- you's and Facebookery

Recently i was reviewing my blog, going back and taking a read that has been my last year or so and i came to understand a few things that i might have missed if i were not documenting my "life thoughts" as i have. Firstly, and not to take away from anyone Else's life, but i have had some serious ups and downs the past few years! Secondly AND more importantly, i can't believe the quality of my friends; their support, thoughts, incite and love most certainly have been the "shelter" from the storm. Seriously, put your hands together and give it up for YOU's. You're amazing, you know it, so take the credit, have a smile and do a little happy dance, cause your mom would be so proud of you :) You've put up with my drama, my anger, my BS and my irrationality for so long, I'm surprised you're still my friend. Good thing I'm awesome or you would have bolted by now I'm sure. So ya, that's that. I said it, don't be going around all day with a smug look on your face like you've won something, or some shit. Just take the compliment, realize I'm not as big a prick as you thought, and move along. I won't acknowledge this in person, or for that matter even give you the satisfaction of a wink or a sly smile, so don't be disappointed when you don't get one. K? Alright then, moving along.

This morning i turned on the work PC and started my day like any other, and was getting caught up on the weekends events via the Facebook. Its then when i stumbled on a post from a distant friend of a friend kinda person. Always funny posts, most entertaining, and i believe i met him once a long time ago. Great guy, if not a bit crazy, but cool none the less. He was lamenting on his profile like his world had ended, all things were dead and he wanted to be too. I don't know him at all, but it seems he had a girl, and now she's gone - and he's crushed. I had the most upbeat start to my day, and by the time i finished reading his status i was crushed. His world touched mine, and for a moment i could totally relate to the pain he is going through. I don't know him, not well enough to offer a shoulder or some advice to help him through this horrible time. But i was still crushed by his pain, and felt the most deepest sympathy i think i ever could for a "sort of" stranger.  And as his real friends commented on his situation i began to understand exactly what Facebook is to us and what we really do use it for. As his friends supported him, chastised him and told him he'd be OK, or to suck it up and move on it really sent the message home. Facebook is that tight group of friends from high school, the one or two or five people you hung around all the time. They took you as they saw you, and gave you what you needed when you needed it. They didn't have to agree, they didn't have to feel bad for you, they just had to be there for you. They just listened, maybe gave some advice or kicked you in the ass when you needed it, but there they were. And really that's what Facebook is today. Its that window into your friends lives, and yours just on a grander scale. It lets you see what your friends are up to, what's new, whats good, whats bad, whats what. And we as social creatures want and need that. And because we are all closet social butterfly's, its the easiest way to be there, and do everything without having to commit to being there. And i know, some people are like "why do they carry on like that on facebook? Why do they have to share their every waking moment"? But the real question is, why did you take the time to read it, and why didn't you just block the feed if you get tired of their shit? BECAUSE you want to read it. As much BS as it is you really want to know whats going on EVERYWHERE. If you didn't, if you really just wanted to be in the dark you'd have deleted your facebook account long ago. So stop pissing and moaning about how this guy or that girl go on about everything. Be happy they said yes to your friend invite, and be happy that its not you suffering like they currently might be.

What was my point here?... ... ... Not sure. Guess i was just saying thanks to my great friends, and thanks to everyone that put up with my shit on the Facebook, and ya... Sorry you're dying "Facebook friend", if there is anything i can do, or the mass 342 friends on your list can do, I'm sure if you ask we'll be there - even if you don't like what we say, or we don't like what you say, we'll be there.

Ya...