Girls and grammer.

The much anticipated post relationship post. I do it every time it seems, and i don't see any reason to not do it now. And like usual, i will explain that this is for me to clear my head and make sense of things - to be self analytical if such a thing exists. I have always believed that I'm to biased to analyze myself with any great success. But none the less i try, and maybe one day i can figure out exactly why i do what i do.What can i say about this one, and once more, should i say anything at all? Well without beating myself up too severely i will just cut to the chase. I think i share to much of my inner thoughts too early and too openly, AND i definitely think that i do more damage in the beginning then i would if i were to just shut up and let the relationship go where it wants to. I pushed this one away before she had a chance to get close, and by the time i was ready to get close, she was more than ready to get some distance. That's it in a nutshell i think. I mean there is always the other contributing factors like my "flakiness" to make it anywhere on time or with any reasonable amount of consistency. And lets not forget my BS attempts at being indifferent. Keep a girl at arms length too long and by the time you want to pull her in, she's long gone. I know there are other factors with this break up but I'll definitely wear the blame in this one. She was great, treated me amazing, and i just couldn't let my guard down fast enough to make her feel special back. Here's hoping she's not damaged goods because of me, and here's hoping I actually might have learned something here. Enough on the subject, whats done is done i guess...


So what now? Well i thought since i was all "reflecting" on my past experiences i should drag another skeleton out of the closet. Two days ago i was asked by a friend if i would return some belongings to another ex of mine. And i was completely shocked with how much of an impact it had on me. I was flooded with every emotion from anger to sadness to disbelief. I mean the idea of returning the stuff didn't faze me in the least. From the second day of break up all her things went in a bag in my closet and hasn't moved since. I don't want them, i don't need them, and i most certainly have no reason not to give them back. But for some reason it was like i needed her to suffer a little longer without her stuff before i gave it back, like it was some form of punishment for making me suffer. I can honestly say i spent the rest of the night and the whole next day with it in my head. I felt petty, stupid, and ridiculous for being difficult. It was the saddest behavior I've shown in some time. I truly was disappointed with myself for even thinking of not giving her belongings back to her...All that said i still haven't... I really don't know what the fuck is wrong with me? I guess she really did dig in deep, deep enough that all rational emotional behavior regarding the subject is still beyond me... LOL "rational emotional behavior". That is the biggest oxymoron ever! I can't believe i just typed that?! 

Anyway, what can i say. I really am sorry I've created some recipe for failure when it comes to girls, and hopefully i can get my shit together sooner rather then later... Side note "than and then" "than" is used in a comparison and "then" is used in a referral to time. IE "butter is better THAN margarine". " i went shopping THEN to the movies"... So in my first sentence of the this last paragraph did i use than or then correctly? I mean i am comparing sooner to later, but it is also in reference to time... Huh, have to figure that one out? Anyway, where was i? I lost my train of thought. Damn... Ok well that does it for now i guess....


So scattered...