Monday, August 22, 2011

Cryptic Bull Shit

Wisdom. It takes years of experiences, good and bad, to develop it. Everyone has some amount of it, some more than others, but everyone has some level of it. So why does it seem the more i learn the more i experience, the less i tend to use it when i should?

Seriously now, how is it possible that after making such a huge mistake once, that i can't learn from it and be more guarded against it again. Is is desperation, need, fear? When does wants and desires over turn common sense and rational thinking? Clearly more often than not with me. The more i analyze my current situation, i can't help but see the rationale in it. I know why it went the distance it did, i understand why i let it happen, and i can even see how it happened without me actually catching on until the very end. But still i don't think i could stop it if i wanted to. Well at least not stop it from happening and still be me. I suppose if i stepped out of myself, changed my personality and values, i might have been able to change the outcome, at least on my side. But in the end it wouldn't have been me, nor would it have been what i wanted. Not that i wanted this exactly, but i must admit given different circumstances it would be what i want. So here i am now, with the tide changed, the wind blowing the entirely wrong way. My compass is fucked and quite frankly the next few steps will be entirely in the dark. So what to do? Well, the aggressive person in me says run head first at it, engage it and kill it quick, before anymore damage can be done. But the more rational side of me says play it out and see where it goes, see if its actually a bad thing or a good thing. You're not living if you're not learning.  Then finally the emotional side of me says never again, and at the same time wants exactly that. So, dilemmas dilemmas.

 The best thing about a quandary, at least for me, is the solution. I hate problems but i love solving them. It might be my reason, at least on a subconscious level, for why i get into them to begin with. Everyone seems to have a degree of drama in their life. Some level of BS that in some way manifests itself into our lives. Trust me when i say i don't want any, none of us do, but for some reason we all have some of it, and most of us are a tad guilty of creating it ourselves. So is my desire to solve problems so acute, that i actually allow myself to ignore my wisdom and let it take place just so i have something to fix? WTF? I know how stupid that sounds, but honestly i can't figure it out. For the life of me why else would i allow it to continue? So once again here i am with a problem, or rather a dilemma. It started with me wanting something, getting it, and somewhere along the path of attaining it, realizing that what i was looking for has changed. And now exactly what i have, what i wanted, is not at all what i want.

Confused yet? Ya me too. So why blog so cryptically about it? Why not spit it out and share with you all (all 6 of you) what it is im talking about? Well, to be honest, im a bit confused myself and don't want to destroy something that i actually might want. Also im more than a bit worried that if i made it so clear that it would impact the wrong people the wrong way.  And since i said "to be truthful" i guess i should be entirely honest... Im afraid. Im afraid that if i say or do the wrong thing, that everything i have will fall. Its like im playing a wicked game of Janga for all the beans, its my move and the tower is already shaky. So by sharing the entire picture with all of you might just be the wrong piece to pull and it will all come toppling down.

 So i will continue to use my blog for its intended purpose, to clear my mind, get my thoughts out, and make me feel better. If you are entertained along the way, great. If not, stop reading.  Either way this is my utility for clearing my head, when running and the gym don't do it. failing this, well... I don't know, maybe sleep will turn it off for awhile, assuming sleep will come. The only thing i know for certain right this second, is the longer i do nothing, the longer nothing will change.

 So do i live the coward, or do i die the hero?
Here's hoping the hero lives on :)

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Broken puzzles

I know the pieces fit cause i watched them fall away...

Really that is a great description of my mental state this evening. I can't say why i feel this way, I can't even comment on whether or not this feeling is substantiated, or just some weird side effect of actually winding down after a really busy 10 days. Could it be the drinking blues? I have had quite a bit of the bottle the past 10 days, but it has been vacation time this back half of the 10, and i can't really say its been to excess with the exception of 3 days out of the 10, so i doubt that's it. So then what?

I know for certain my "busy, stay moving, stay motivated, can't stand still, won't sit still, death will slow me down eventually" pace doesn't seem to be enough anymore to keep my mind off of whatever it is im dodging. Every time things slow down, my mind races with thoughts i don't like, realities i don't want to face, and truths i don't want to hear. Again its like im running through the dark, hoping i won't trip, trying to get somewhere - but i can't for the life of me remember where it is im trying to get to. I am beyond frustrated, and im angry and disappointed with myself. I know im better than this, and whatever it is that is making me feel this way is probably the solution to why im not at my best. The puzzle is right here, i know, i've seen the complete picture, and now after i've dropped it i can't seem to get it back together. Its not from lack of effort, this i know. It's also not lack of vision - i know what i want. My planning, although a bit scattered, is still sound. It's focus, or rather lack there of. Which then puts the thought in my head...

 Is it ok? Is it ok to let go, stop trying to get wherever it is im trying to get to and just coast for awhile? I mean, relax and just live a bit - nothing wrong with that right? So why is it every time i don't drive hard towards what i want i feel like im wasting precious time? Never mind, not knowing exactly what it is i want. I mean i know, or at least i think i know, i just don't know, ya know? LOL Yep the pieces are definitely not fitting together right this second. A friend of mine told me a great story on how his life got so much more simpler the day he discovered he could give up. LOL, no kidding, he has  this great wrestling story from high school. How he was constantly struggling to win fight after fight, and then one day he just realized he could quit. Stop trying and quit. And BAM - life was a breeze. No pressure, no disappointments, just day by day happy with what happens. Now i know a complete collapse of effort would do me no good, but his story has some great truth in it. We all try hard to get ahead, we all are working for that "brass ring" or whatever it is we need to accomplish in our lives, and at what time is it ok to not be driving hard towards that goal? And should we feel guilty if we don't reach it? Failure? Or is it ok, because we gave up, and giving up isn't a bad thing as long as we are happy? Damn, even the thought of quiting angers me, makes me feel like a failure. So...

So quiting is out of the picture, and failure isn't an option - so how do i find focus? How do i find exactly where im going  and drive hard for it when i can't seem to see the direction of travel and get side tracked by almost anything... Oh look a squirrel!

Anyway, this has turned into a huge rambling session with no real direction or resolution - big surprise. I remember a time when things seemed far better, more in control, and more complete... But then again, were they?

"I know the pieces fit cause I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering, fundamental differing,
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication
The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication.

I know the pieces fit cause I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication

The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,
And the circling is worth it
Finding beauty in the dissonance

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication

Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion

Between supposed lovers"

~Tool - Schism.

About two lovers, but a lot of the words can be placed on "my goal" just the same.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Thank- you's and Facebookery

Recently i was reviewing my blog, going back and taking a read that has been my last year or so and i came to understand a few things that i might have missed if i were not documenting my "life thoughts" as i have. Firstly, and not to take away from anyone Else's life, but i have had some serious ups and downs the past few years! Secondly AND more importantly, i can't believe the quality of my friends; their support, thoughts, incite and love most certainly have been the "shelter" from the storm. Seriously, put your hands together and give it up for YOU's. You're amazing, you know it, so take the credit, have a smile and do a little happy dance, cause your mom would be so proud of you :) You've put up with my drama, my anger, my BS and my irrationality for so long, I'm surprised you're still my friend. Good thing I'm awesome or you would have bolted by now I'm sure. So ya, that's that. I said it, don't be going around all day with a smug look on your face like you've won something, or some shit. Just take the compliment, realize I'm not as big a prick as you thought, and move along. I won't acknowledge this in person, or for that matter even give you the satisfaction of a wink or a sly smile, so don't be disappointed when you don't get one. K? Alright then, moving along.

This morning i turned on the work PC and started my day like any other, and was getting caught up on the weekends events via the Facebook. Its then when i stumbled on a post from a distant friend of a friend kinda person. Always funny posts, most entertaining, and i believe i met him once a long time ago. Great guy, if not a bit crazy, but cool none the less. He was lamenting on his profile like his world had ended, all things were dead and he wanted to be too. I don't know him at all, but it seems he had a girl, and now she's gone - and he's crushed. I had the most upbeat start to my day, and by the time i finished reading his status i was crushed. His world touched mine, and for a moment i could totally relate to the pain he is going through. I don't know him, not well enough to offer a shoulder or some advice to help him through this horrible time. But i was still crushed by his pain, and felt the most deepest sympathy i think i ever could for a "sort of" stranger.  And as his real friends commented on his situation i began to understand exactly what Facebook is to us and what we really do use it for. As his friends supported him, chastised him and told him he'd be OK, or to suck it up and move on it really sent the message home. Facebook is that tight group of friends from high school, the one or two or five people you hung around all the time. They took you as they saw you, and gave you what you needed when you needed it. They didn't have to agree, they didn't have to feel bad for you, they just had to be there for you. They just listened, maybe gave some advice or kicked you in the ass when you needed it, but there they were. And really that's what Facebook is today. Its that window into your friends lives, and yours just on a grander scale. It lets you see what your friends are up to, what's new, whats good, whats bad, whats what. And we as social creatures want and need that. And because we are all closet social butterfly's, its the easiest way to be there, and do everything without having to commit to being there. And i know, some people are like "why do they carry on like that on facebook? Why do they have to share their every waking moment"? But the real question is, why did you take the time to read it, and why didn't you just block the feed if you get tired of their shit? BECAUSE you want to read it. As much BS as it is you really want to know whats going on EVERYWHERE. If you didn't, if you really just wanted to be in the dark you'd have deleted your facebook account long ago. So stop pissing and moaning about how this guy or that girl go on about everything. Be happy they said yes to your friend invite, and be happy that its not you suffering like they currently might be.

What was my point here?... ... ... Not sure. Guess i was just saying thanks to my great friends, and thanks to everyone that put up with my shit on the Facebook, and ya... Sorry you're dying "Facebook friend", if there is anything i can do, or the mass 342 friends on your list can do, I'm sure if you ask we'll be there - even if you don't like what we say, or we don't like what you say, we'll be there.