Monday, August 22, 2011

Cryptic Bull Shit

Wisdom. It takes years of experiences, good and bad, to develop it. Everyone has some amount of it, some more than others, but everyone has some level of it. So why does it seem the more i learn the more i experience, the less i tend to use it when i should?

Seriously now, how is it possible that after making such a huge mistake once, that i can't learn from it and be more guarded against it again. Is is desperation, need, fear? When does wants and desires over turn common sense and rational thinking? Clearly more often than not with me. The more i analyze my current situation, i can't help but see the rationale in it. I know why it went the distance it did, i understand why i let it happen, and i can even see how it happened without me actually catching on until the very end. But still i don't think i could stop it if i wanted to. Well at least not stop it from happening and still be me. I suppose if i stepped out of myself, changed my personality and values, i might have been able to change the outcome, at least on my side. But in the end it wouldn't have been me, nor would it have been what i wanted. Not that i wanted this exactly, but i must admit given different circumstances it would be what i want. So here i am now, with the tide changed, the wind blowing the entirely wrong way. My compass is fucked and quite frankly the next few steps will be entirely in the dark. So what to do? Well, the aggressive person in me says run head first at it, engage it and kill it quick, before anymore damage can be done. But the more rational side of me says play it out and see where it goes, see if its actually a bad thing or a good thing. You're not living if you're not learning.  Then finally the emotional side of me says never again, and at the same time wants exactly that. So, dilemmas dilemmas.

 The best thing about a quandary, at least for me, is the solution. I hate problems but i love solving them. It might be my reason, at least on a subconscious level, for why i get into them to begin with. Everyone seems to have a degree of drama in their life. Some level of BS that in some way manifests itself into our lives. Trust me when i say i don't want any, none of us do, but for some reason we all have some of it, and most of us are a tad guilty of creating it ourselves. So is my desire to solve problems so acute, that i actually allow myself to ignore my wisdom and let it take place just so i have something to fix? WTF? I know how stupid that sounds, but honestly i can't figure it out. For the life of me why else would i allow it to continue? So once again here i am with a problem, or rather a dilemma. It started with me wanting something, getting it, and somewhere along the path of attaining it, realizing that what i was looking for has changed. And now exactly what i have, what i wanted, is not at all what i want.

Confused yet? Ya me too. So why blog so cryptically about it? Why not spit it out and share with you all (all 6 of you) what it is im talking about? Well, to be honest, im a bit confused myself and don't want to destroy something that i actually might want. Also im more than a bit worried that if i made it so clear that it would impact the wrong people the wrong way.  And since i said "to be truthful" i guess i should be entirely honest... Im afraid. Im afraid that if i say or do the wrong thing, that everything i have will fall. Its like im playing a wicked game of Janga for all the beans, its my move and the tower is already shaky. So by sharing the entire picture with all of you might just be the wrong piece to pull and it will all come toppling down.

 So i will continue to use my blog for its intended purpose, to clear my mind, get my thoughts out, and make me feel better. If you are entertained along the way, great. If not, stop reading.  Either way this is my utility for clearing my head, when running and the gym don't do it. failing this, well... I don't know, maybe sleep will turn it off for awhile, assuming sleep will come. The only thing i know for certain right this second, is the longer i do nothing, the longer nothing will change.

 So do i live the coward, or do i die the hero?
Here's hoping the hero lives on :)