Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I've been thinking

So that was summer eh? Bummer... I mean really, it was fun, hot and all that - just seemed amazingly short! I didn't go camping, i didn't get to do nearly as much riding as i wanted to, and honestly i was kind of hoping to see more than one beach this year... Well, there's always next year i suppose. At least i did get some riding in - even if it wasn't a monumental road trip like i had originally hoped, again maybe next year. By then maybe I'll have my new bike, or new truck, or both?! Right, as soon as i win the lottery :)

Anyway things to say, and right off let me start by saying once again, this as always is a way for me to clear my head. I use this to vent, think, reflect and recycle my emotions, thoughts and problems. It is not used to air my BS, shake those around me that read it, or to drive home any secret messages that I'm not brave enough to say directly to you. If its important, if you need to hear it - believe me when i say, you'll hear it. Understand? Good...

So as of late I've been once again challenged in my thinking. I've been put into positions which have made me re-evaluate my thinking patterns, my goals and directions. In some cases its re-affirmed my stance and made me very clear on my ideals. In others its made me rethink my position, check my reality and question my resolve. In every case its had the same result; I know what i want, and what i don't want. I know where it is i want to go, and have a firm understanding of what i am willing to compromise on and what I'm not. So all in all a great exercise in self evaluation and i really have come to enjoy the challenges of my rationality. It's made me concentrate on the here and now, as well as made me really give energy to the planning of my future. I've wrestled with the idea of not getting into the RCMP, as well as formed a plan of action as a secondary option to that failure (OK, maybe not failure but... well you get it).

 I've also realized once again what is important in my life, and what things really make me happy. My life it seems, is starting to once again get on track. I'm happy, I'm confident, business is improving and so is my attitude. More than pleased with my social life, and starting to really open my eyes to what is necessary in my life in order for me to remain happy. BUT...

Always a but. Recently I've realized there are parts of me that still aren't over my past, and honestly I'm starting to worry if i will ever truly heal.  I understand all things take time, but whether it be a self defence system inertly ingrained in my being, or just straight out cowardice, in any event it sits there in the dark corners waiting for danger. At the very first sign of emotional risk it springs out and shuts down almost everything that is me. Its all i can do some days to keep it back, to remain calm and not run for my life. Other times i can push it back at will and move on. Yet still there are times it doesn't even rear its ugly head - like all is well in the world. I don't quite understand it, nor do i have any control over it, but its been a pain more than a few times in recent months. I would never have considered myself someone who carries their heart in their hand, but the scars of relationships past still plague me it seems. Clearly I'm not very good at the "love'em and leave'em" kind of relationship. A good friend told me that every relationship you get into you will inevitably fall in love. And that even when it ends, and you tell yourself you'll never feel that way again, it happens again, whether you want it to or not. So get used to the pain, and remember its as fleeting as the love. Good news or bad? Not sure how to take that. I do know i love the feeling of being loved, and need someone to hold. It seems to complete me - having that special someone. I'm sure that's the reality for most people out there, but its like some flash of genius hit me and I've suddenly realized it. Anyway i digress...

I guess the whole point of this entry was to share the fact that I've been thinking, and the outcome has been positive. I've been challenged, and I've come through the other side feeling renewed, refreshed and with clarity. The future is never certain, but i can say with certainty that I'm feeling good about my decisions, my direction, and the company that is getting me there. As always my friends are my strength - they say you can't choose your family - but i have, and I'm pleased with my selection.