Monday, November 22, 2010

Never again?!

Never again. Simple words, entirely straight and to the point. Very easy to understand, never really requires any thought or interpretation. Only one catch; you can't forget what it was you'd never let happen again. That is the hard part. What exactly was it that you said would never again happen, and why did you say it to begin with, and more importantly did you say it with any resolve, or was it just a bad moment? And then there's the final factor. Is there wiggle room? Is there an allotted amount of "give" to this resolve, or is this a resolute unwavering line that will never again be crossed? Can your promise to yourself be softened, relaxed and used more as a guideline, rather than a rule? Oh and this is a good one, and is there an exception to breaking the rule, ignoring it, or perhaps letting it "slip" once and awhile? What ever are the penalties, punishments or consequences to being less to yourself?
Lots of questions to one simple statement, and questions i find need answers, now rather than later. So many times i get the warning in my head, the pain in my stomach that reminds me, warns me, prods me to remember my resolve, and all the while questions me to why i ever made it. Its like chasing something unknown through the dark, only to catch it and not understand or remember why you were chasing it at all. I can't even say its frustrating, more perhaps disappointing than anything else. Every fibre in my being is screaming at me, and for the life of me, i can't understand what its saying. Is this what the jumper on the bridge is doing? Is he standing there for long hours, fucking up traffic and every ones day by listening to the screams, trying to decipher if they are saying, "no don't do it!" or "jump, do it!"? What exactly is it saying to me, and why can't i remember what it was i wasn't going to let happen again? Was is it that i was never again going to be complacent with my life and how i move through it day in and day out? Or was it that i would never again let myself be open to getting hurt, build my walls and hide behind them? OR was it i would never again hide behind them?! Would i never again be trusting, or was it never again let my heart blind my mind, or my heart should always lead?  Was it a blanket coverage of "never again", meaning i would never again let all these things happen; even though they contradict one another quite often. Was i never again going to let my life slide by without the steering wheel firmly in my hand, Never going to be fooled by my heart, or lose the opportunity to love because of my head? Whatever it was and however it was said, it seems to be pounding on my door, and either im terrified to open it and look, or im trying desperately to get it open and can't get the lock undone, either way it's near unbearable.
Too many times, too many lives, too many. And every time it returns me to here, a crossroads of sorts. Keep on going on, or time to make a hard right, or firm left and drive my way, my direction, for me. At what point is it ok to push my life, my destiny in my favor, damning all others around me to sort out the mess? Or is it cowardice? Should i continue to bare the burdens of my responsibilities and justify my existence as necessary for others, or do i place myself first at all other costs. And christ if i do, am i breaking my resolve, or strengthening it? Its maddening!

Wow, just read my prattle and realized how fucked up my head is right now, sorry for the Edgar Allen Poe drivel i spewed, WTF  right??? No worries, all will be good, in time. Till then...

WTF is with drivers today? Yep serious question, and as you are mostly all driving ask yourself this... If you were walking to the movies and someone walked quickly past you, would you speed up so they didn't get in a line before you? And if someone was walking in front of you, and stopped, would you yell at them, maybe scream a profanity, and run around them? If you were in an elevator and someone was trying to get in when you were trying to get out, would you be polite and let them in, then step out, or would you just jump out in front of them and give them a dirty look? Point here, drive like you walk. Don't be a jerk, be courteous, give a little. Or some of us will drive like we walk... With a big stick!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Paying the price

In as many days as its been, I've lost count of the numerous things i have seen, been aggravated about, and wanted to bitch about. So, instead i will do what i should have months ago, and vow publicly to renew my resolve. I will, without question, begin to run more regularly, work out harder, eat better and become the person i intend to be. Not just physically but mentally as well. I will complete my education, upgrade where necessary and then take a serious look at career training, rather than just self employment, as that seems to be failing the pay scale as of late.
        Why you ask am i doing this? Why now? Why should i be concerned after I've accomplished so much already. I will use a term that we used to say daily while i served... Complacency kills. That's right, if you become complacent, if you relax your resolve, settle for the ordinary, get comfortable with your surroundings, you will soon find that the "everyday" will be the death of you, or in this case, the death of your progress. Like all things, in order to show improvement in what you choose to do, you must change the lifestyle that supports it. You cannot quit drinking then have a little here and there - ask any A.A. member. Same goes for health and fitness. You cannot expect to win if you change your eating and exercise habits just until you reach a goal. Inevitably you will return to your old habits and become just the thing you trained so hard to leave behind. So, i can honestly say, i have become complacent; and its killing me. I don't run like i did, i don't train like i did, i don't weigh as little as i did, and i don't look as good as i did - just 4 months ago... So much work undone by so little effort. Its horrible. If every day i had to run to a location to feed myself, and everything i put in my mouth i had to lift 500 times, there is a good chance i would eat less, and be more careful i what i ate, and when. So i begin anew. I will harden my resolve, i will re-enforce my will, and i will once again do whatever is necessary to see my goals and wants achieved. (So long as my wants aren't pie and cookies :) ). Currently i weigh 225LBS, up from the 214 i so easily achieved not 3 months ago. I will vow to be down to 210 before my 38th birthday this January. I will also achieve a 48 minute 10km run. Add to this "realization of goals", the goal of achieving better company success, or better employment income, through work or a new Career.
Wish me luck!