Never again?!

Never again. Simple words, entirely straight and to the point. Very easy to understand, never really requires any thought or interpretation. Only one catch; you can't forget what it was you'd never let happen again. That is the hard part. What exactly was it that you said would never again happen, and why did you say it to begin with, and more importantly did you say it with any resolve, or was it just a bad moment? And then there's the final factor. Is there wiggle room? Is there an allotted amount of "give" to this resolve, or is this a resolute unwavering line that will never again be crossed? Can your promise to yourself be softened, relaxed and used more as a guideline, rather than a rule? Oh and this is a good one, and is there an exception to breaking the rule, ignoring it, or perhaps letting it "slip" once and awhile? What ever are the penalties, punishments or consequences to being less to yourself?
Lots of questions to one simple statement, and questions i find need answers, now rather than later. So many times i get the warning in my head, the pain in my stomach that reminds me, warns me, prods me to remember my resolve, and all the while questions me to why i ever made it. Its like chasing something unknown through the dark, only to catch it and not understand or remember why you were chasing it at all. I can't even say its frustrating, more perhaps disappointing than anything else. Every fibre in my being is screaming at me, and for the life of me, i can't understand what its saying. Is this what the jumper on the bridge is doing? Is he standing there for long hours, fucking up traffic and every ones day by listening to the screams, trying to decipher if they are saying, "no don't do it!" or "jump, do it!"? What exactly is it saying to me, and why can't i remember what it was i wasn't going to let happen again? Was is it that i was never again going to be complacent with my life and how i move through it day in and day out? Or was it that i would never again let myself be open to getting hurt, build my walls and hide behind them? OR was it i would never again hide behind them?! Would i never again be trusting, or was it never again let my heart blind my mind, or my heart should always lead?  Was it a blanket coverage of "never again", meaning i would never again let all these things happen; even though they contradict one another quite often. Was i never again going to let my life slide by without the steering wheel firmly in my hand, Never going to be fooled by my heart, or lose the opportunity to love because of my head? Whatever it was and however it was said, it seems to be pounding on my door, and either im terrified to open it and look, or im trying desperately to get it open and can't get the lock undone, either way it's near unbearable.
Too many times, too many lives, too many. And every time it returns me to here, a crossroads of sorts. Keep on going on, or time to make a hard right, or firm left and drive my way, my direction, for me. At what point is it ok to push my life, my destiny in my favor, damning all others around me to sort out the mess? Or is it cowardice? Should i continue to bare the burdens of my responsibilities and justify my existence as necessary for others, or do i place myself first at all other costs. And christ if i do, am i breaking my resolve, or strengthening it? Its maddening!

Wow, just read my prattle and realized how fucked up my head is right now, sorry for the Edgar Allen Poe drivel i spewed, WTF  right??? No worries, all will be good, in time. Till then...

WTF is with drivers today? Yep serious question, and as you are mostly all driving ask yourself this... If you were walking to the movies and someone walked quickly past you, would you speed up so they didn't get in a line before you? And if someone was walking in front of you, and stopped, would you yell at them, maybe scream a profanity, and run around them? If you were in an elevator and someone was trying to get in when you were trying to get out, would you be polite and let them in, then step out, or would you just jump out in front of them and give them a dirty look? Point here, drive like you walk. Don't be a jerk, be courteous, give a little. Or some of us will drive like we walk... With a big stick!