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Friday, March 31, 2017

What am I waiting for?

So is it fair to say that turn around is fair play? No, I don't think that's what I meant... How about what goes around comes around... Yeah that's closer to the mark. Why is it always when you want something the most it's least likely to happen, but when others want it for you, you're more likely to miss the opportunity? I don't really have it in me to use some cryptic euphemism or witty comparison to spell it out tonight. I don't really feel like it either, other than to say that I'm feeling like I missed the boat. That my lack of vision or inability to articulate my needs and wants has once again placed me here. It's beyond sad really, and I don't really know how to deal with it. In one hand I can do nothing, and let time go by and see where I end up. In the other I can force it, and who knows; It might work out, it might fall completely apart and leave me worse off then the way I feel now. I guess in either event I am still the master of my own demise - it's just how it comes about I will have control of... Assuming crushing failure falls on either decision that is... 

I have never been one to just accept my fate, but inevitably it seems all the drama in my life usually is brought on by my own choices, or lack of them. Inspiration or desperation, either way change will be upon all of us in time, I suppose. So why is it when I'm inspired I can't force the change, but when I'm desperate change can't happen fast enough? Again, going nowhere here...

Perhaps I'm a coward? Wouldn't be the first time I've been called one, wouldn't be the first time I've thought it myself.  My lack of courage lies in different scenarios  than what most would think. I know I do not fear violence, pain, injury, maybe not even death. Heights aren't a killer nor is speed, the dark, or closed spaces. Not even spiders...BUT I do have fears... I'm ridiculously afraid of shark attack, which considering I'm in the ocean maybe 5 days out of 365 makes it so unlikely, but yet it's still there. I'm no fan of scary movies either, but I've been known to be coerced into seeing a few - still afraid though. No, my lack of courage, my real fear lies in something far more terrifying, far more sinister... I'm afraid of being vulnerable. What makes this fear so entirely crushing? I am vulnerable. I am and have been for a very long time. It is paralyzing. I am completely frozen, unmoving, unblinking, like a dear in headlights. I find myself once again completely exposed and at the mercy of another, and I'm afraid. Afraid if I do nothing things will not go the way I want them to. Afraid if I force what I want I will push away the entire opportunity. Completely terrified that I've already done that and once again my boat has sailed...

I do know this. Change is upon me. It has to be, as I know I can't continue much longer like this. I want more, I deserve more, and I'm worth more. All I have to do is ask...

But then what happens?



Monday, March 20, 2017

Don't read this!

I have anxiety. Fear. sadness. pain. love. regret. pride. anger. shame. Just to name a few. I feel as if at any moment one feeling will betray the next and it's terrifying to me. I go from smiling and rocking out on a drive down the highway to tears if specific songs come on. 4 minutes later a good summertime song comes on and I'm smiling again... My emotions have become my master, and I feel completely helpless to them. Somewhere in the stretch of time between no longer caring to caring too much I seem to have lost all emotional control. For a guy who has been called cold, detached and emotionally void, the pendulum sure has swung the other way. Is it fair to say that life has made me this way? Is it some sort of emotional wall built over years of pain, betrayal and disappointment that abruptly and without notice, just crumbled away and let a flood of everything wash upon me? What once shielded me has become my destroyer and I still have yet to learn if that is the worst or best thing for me... I no longer feel protected. I fear being this exposed but at the same time recognize that the emotional hardness I once held has caused me more pain than it kept out. Right?!

We all have reasons to be untrusting, we have all been betrayed at one point in our lives. We all have known heartbreak. Love and hate is not new to any of us. I am not special - I know. So how is it that everyone else around me seems to hold it together day in and day out without much effort, while silently I stew in a pot of emotional torment not knowing what to do or what to say, and question everything far more than I should. I read a meme just the other day that said if over thinking burned calories I'd be dead. It most certainly feels that way to me. I think to much. Sometimes I wish I could think about something constructive when I'm like this, at least it would be productive, not just useless rambling...

Life is not bad. I am happy, I think. I could be happier - so everyone of us would say, so again I'm not any more or less special than you. Money, stress, work, love, family, etc etc.  Some days are better than others we'd all agree, but the big hook in my days lately has been this emotional rollercoaster for certain. Therapists would say talk about your feelings to undo the anxiety or stress of them, but I can't even begin to put my finger on the why of it. Have you ever realized that most times life just goes on with or without you, and a good amount of the speed bumps you hit are usually brought on by yourself just creating bs that didn't need to happen anyways? Is this, that? lol.


What do I know - I'm even thinking now that I probably just wasted 5 minutes of your day by writing something that really doesn't help anyone, including myself. I guess the best thing to do is get some rest, try not to think too much about shit I don't control, can't control and definitely don't understand.

Sorry for the above drivel - I had hoped it would help clear my mind, but instead it just made me feel even more...




Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Wisdom?

It's been once again a far and long road between posts, and in truth maybe it's because life has been simple enough that i had nothing to write about? Or maybe I've just been too busy to write, or maybe I've just found another outlet to de-stress or unwind and lose the anxiety or noise that always seems to creep into my head? Well whatever the reason, it's become apparent to me this exercise needs to continue, as i have so much on my mind but can't seem to find a way to communicate it without either causing harm or misleading others with my intentions.


With age comes wisdom, right? Meh, maybe not - as i don't feel any wiser than i was 10 years ago, and i most certainly don't feel any smarter. I am able however to confirm that with age comes perspective. Could that be wisdom? Perhaps - or maybe it's just realization - like getting shocked. It happens once and you go WTF was that?! Happens a second time, and you are more inclined to investigate further. Happens another time and well, lets just say it becomes one of two things... A full scale investigation, or you just stop touching whatever it is that you've been touching that keeps hurting you. Is it wise to walk away? Is it wise to figure out the problem? Or is it just perspective? Don't need to touch whatever it is that keeps shocking you, do you? Then why risk it? Or maybe you do need to touch it - so then what? Well, of course you're going to need some answers. Strange when you look at it from the outside. Like watching a horror movie. If you watch you are like WTF?! don't go in there, but if you  were in the movie, would you need to investigate? Again, not necessarily wisdom, but more likely perspective. My point being there has been many times in my life where things that continue to hurt me were left unchecked, things I've walked away from in order to feel safe.  Ignore them, drown them out, walk or run away, or even make jokes instead of dealing with it. The  truth of that statement is terrifying. How often have i let fear of pain make decisions for me? how often have i let fear of possible pain change my course? No, i don't think wisdom comes with age, i think it comes to those who are wise. To the rest of us it's perspective mixed with hindsight.

Definition for insanity; doing the same thing and expecting different results.

Perhaps that's where perspective becomes wisdom. I know what I've done, and i know what i am doing now - only with some small changes. Minor adjustments to miniscule differences blended with hindsight and perspective. Perhaps wisdom develops once you recognize your faults - even in someone else's failures. Perhaps the differences of perspective and wisdom are just a level of self awareness, or rather humility. A much better word. Is wisdom then humility? Damn, i really need to start using my dictionary again...  


Tuesday, July 5, 2016

The switch at the top of the stairs

I've been told a few times now that I can write - well - that I articulate thought well in words... So, is that writing or just being able to ramble in apparently a semi-intelligent way when given the time to proof read? Doesn't matter I suppose. What I really think matters is ones ability to make sense of their own thoughts, if that is even possible -  and so without further ado;

Dark places... We all have them. They might be memories, or skeletons, or shadows of shadows of our past, broken hearts, crushed souls or even just plain good old self loathing, but I'm sure we all have them. You know what I'm talking about. It's that place your mind wanders to when for whatever reason you find yourself in a thought of melancholy despair, the analytical self diagnosis of emotion, or just a plain old culmination of self pity mixed with self loathing and a dash of anxiety all rolled into too many drinks or not enough self love. Whatever the reason we go there from time to time - in my case usually after I've drank enough, or stressed enough or hurt enough to just stop fighting and start analyzing why. Why me, why like this, and why now?

I find myself once and awhile slipping into the darkness. It's like everything that is good has a twin - dark and distant that needs to slip into focus once and awhile to remind me that for everything I've got - it comes at a cost. In some cases the cost was miniscule. It was time, or pain or effort. All small things, especially after you've done them. Think about that; Ever work out or run or whatever and hate every second of it? Loath and despise the very moment you started to the moment it ends? But give it a bit of time, recover from it and then look back? Usually it's with some self pride of completion and almost never do you regret the effort it took after the fact... I've almost never regretted working out or running an hour after I did it. I'm usually more then grateful. Yet, despite knowing that - I still procrastinate some days on working out or getting changed to go for that run... Strange if you think about it.

I carry large amounts of self loathing and guilt when I look back. I would like to think that almost everyone does - but I really don't believe it. I've done my fair share of damage- no hiding it. No denying that my wake of destruction stretches back well before I was even in possession of a drivers licence. So then what? Dwell in it, think on it? Loath and despair what makes me, me? Yup - some days for sure. The salvation to this darkness - to this despair, for me anyway, comes from outside. Yes I know - look inwards and ye shall find the answer - blah blah blah - or some shit like that. Whatever... Sure - I love me - as much as the next person loves themselves I suppose - maybe a bit less as perhaps some of my past decisions might have carried more consequences' then others decisions at times - but for the most part I don't hate me.  My point being that it took an outside force to remind me that I'm not all evil, not all taking, all destroying all world crushing like I've felt some days. It took someone outside looking in, listening and watching and experiencing me and my thoughts - the ones I share anyway - to remind me there is far more good in me then I sometimes realize. Don't get crazy now - I'm not interested in saving the world or anything, I'm just saying I'm not as horrible as I sometimes think of myself. The most darkest parts of my thoughts always wash away when I take a moment and think about you. Not about what you say or said, or did or didn't do, but just you. When I think about how my life changed when you came into it, how it changed when you're near and how it continues to change whenever you're in my thoughts. You are my savior. My beacon to the light, the light switch when I run up the stairs from the dark basement.

So I say unto you - thank you. Thanks for reminding me, thanks for the light switch, and thanks for seeing in me what I many times forget to see myself.




Friday, May 13, 2016

Love

Wow... so this still exists... Ok. well... I guess I'm here for a reason so...

This will start like all really good stories start - with a broken heart...

It's my fault - let me be clear on that... I did this, not her, not us, but me... Some will say it takes two, others will point the finger at her, but in truth the only person to blame is myself. I did this, I own it, and I accept the pain I've created - for everyone involved...

Moving on...

things I need to say:


I love her - without exception, without question, she is in my heart and I will never let her go... She is also the girl you don't know. She is loving, passionate, exceptional in every way and you've never met her. She has shown me what love looks like, tastes like, feels like and smells like... She was and still is my world... She is you - she is me. She is what every man desires and what every woman aspires be. And she is mine, or was... Or might be...

I don't know - which is where the terrifying piece of this tale starts... or ends...

there are a few things you need to understand before this tale makes sense...

I have been unreachable... Unavailable. Un-waiving. Hard like stone, cold like ice, solitude like a monolith... and its not fair... for her ... or me...

I love her - and I shouldn't... Not that she isn't deserving or desirable... Rather because its too early or too late - time is still determining the answer... My tears taste like regret mixed with fear and anticipation...

So that is the back story... following so far? It's ok, I don't expect you to... read the start of this blog and you'll once again get the gist... It's about me, and coping with my thoughts, and I'm bringing those reading along for the ride...

So... Let me start by re-iterating... She's fucking amazing! Seriously, so beautiful and so loving you'd question in a heart beat why she's even talking to you... She'll make you weak with her eyes and shut your brain off with her touch... I can fully attest to the reality that she makes me weak and dumb with the slightest of efforts...

And she likes me! She might actually love me! Whether she has said it or not - I can only share the way she makes me feel and conclude love must feel like this...

And I feel unworthy. I feel shallow and empty and cold... not because I am, but because I've been hurt and carved up so badly before that my solitude brings safety...

I hate it... I despise my hardness.

I want to be open, vulnerable and easily hurt - so she can fill me with love...

Instead I find myself scared, skittish, and easily shallow so as  to be safe...

So why am I here?

Because in the end I need to tell the world I am soft. Broken. Vulnerable. Wanting... Weak...

But she won't buy it... She won't believe that I am all those things plus who you've known me to be... Why?

I've changed? Ive taken what is hard and turned it into what is needed. Because ive taken what is lies and made it the truth...

So where am I now?

Well... We know she's not available but I still love her... What she doesn't know is no matter how new this is - it's old. It's as old as time itself. she really is why I wake in the morning and can't wait to sleep at night... My dreams can be hers - her fantasy and reality - if only she'd let me in...

She is you... Yes... Stop denying it and open the door... Love absolute is waiting - and has been for some time.. I know it's early and years late... But it's here now - if only you'd see it...

 I love you... Even if I shouldn't...


So what now?

Well... You know who you are... I don't hide my emotions well... I don't deny them or shy away from them anymore... Love made me like this... So... take advantage of it before cowardice  and shame make me less of a man and I deny my feelings...

... And if you're confused - then you're not alone... Just talk to me... I already took the risk... What are you waiting for?!