Well, i'm alive...

Fasten your seat belts kids, this is one hell of a ride...

       I guess the best place to start, is with the facts... 

1) I am drunk... Maybe a bit more than drunk...

2) My brain straight up, cannot be trusted in this state, to make any sort of conclusions, remember important facts or truths, or moreover be trusted to make closing arguments or decisions... But, here we are...

3) I am not a good person.

4) I am a good person.

5) Most everyone I know, has only seen one side. 

I, in most realities should be dead. Truth. With the lives I've lived, the crap I've climbed out of, and the absolute bum start I got, the odds were "forever NOT in my favor", yet here I am. In this quasi reflective state, still numb from any sadness or anger, I find the overwhelming feeling of neutrality somewhat comforting. That is to say, in some ridiculous sad and pathetic way, the fact that when I finally go to bed tonight, I won't "feel" something, anything. I won't be reflecting on a broken heart, never mind trying pathetically to find the cure to my hearts poor beaten path, knowing full well there isn't one. I won't lie there, scroll through social media and leer at the newest post, or more followers she has. I will in fact, lie down and close my eyes, and in the darkness try to FEEL the emptiness. Recognizing that my entire reality is merely the monster or savior that my consciousness has created. 

What?!

Seriously, shit like that just falls out of my head, but yet I have a hard time remembering why I came back upstairs... Drivel I know. Like a thesaurus fell on my head and left a mark... I guess what I am trying to say here, when I've drunk enough, had enough and still am standing, seems to be the exact point emotion currently leaves me, thus granting me some small relief, before the remorse, resentment and hangover all set in. In this state, now, I  can't help to look inward, and analyze what in the fuck...


I deserve better. Now. I really do feel that all my wrongs at some point, must be paid for, and the "right" is coming my way. That is not to say I don't deserve the bad. Maybe the scales haven't tipped yet, maybe they have but I'm too mired down in my own muck I haven't noticed yet. In any event, I'm due. I will get through this and with any luck at all, be happier for it. Not to say I would be unhappy if things worked out as planned, but more like even though I didn't want this, it was the best thing for me. The grasping overall message here is simple; I create my reality. YOU create YOUR reality. Don't forget it. My reality has been, "that's it, the best just left me", when in reality it's actually "she'll never do better". My reality. If it's anything less, there can't be closure. There can't be self worth. 

I have felt that the one that got away was "the one", but the reality is I never went anywhere. Not the other way around. 

Crap. Or not, what the fuck do I know... I'm drunk.