Saturday, December 3, 2011

Girls and grammer.

The much anticipated post relationship post. I do it every time it seems, and i don't see any reason to not do it now. And like usual, i will explain that this is for me to clear my head and make sense of things - to be self analytical if such a thing exists. I have always believed that I'm to biased to analyze myself with any great success. But none the less i try, and maybe one day i can figure out exactly why i do what i do.What can i say about this one, and once more, should i say anything at all? Well without beating myself up too severely i will just cut to the chase. I think i share to much of my inner thoughts too early and too openly, AND i definitely think that i do more damage in the beginning then i would if i were to just shut up and let the relationship go where it wants to. I pushed this one away before she had a chance to get close, and by the time i was ready to get close, she was more than ready to get some distance. That's it in a nutshell i think. I mean there is always the other contributing factors like my "flakiness" to make it anywhere on time or with any reasonable amount of consistency. And lets not forget my BS attempts at being indifferent. Keep a girl at arms length too long and by the time you want to pull her in, she's long gone. I know there are other factors with this break up but I'll definitely wear the blame in this one. She was great, treated me amazing, and i just couldn't let my guard down fast enough to make her feel special back. Here's hoping she's not damaged goods because of me, and here's hoping I actually might have learned something here. Enough on the subject, whats done is done i guess...

So what now? Well i thought since i was all "reflecting" on my past experiences i should drag another skeleton out of the closet. Two days ago i was asked by a friend if i would return some belongings to another ex of mine. And i was completely shocked with how much of an impact it had on me. I was flooded with every emotion from anger to sadness to disbelief. I mean the idea of returning the stuff didn't faze me in the least. From the second day of break up all her things went in a bag in my closet and hasn't moved since. I don't want them, i don't need them, and i most certainly have no reason not to give them back. But for some reason it was like i needed her to suffer a little longer without her stuff before i gave it back, like it was some form of punishment for making me suffer. I can honestly say i spent the rest of the night and the whole next day with it in my head. I felt petty, stupid, and ridiculous for being difficult. It was the saddest behavior I've shown in some time. I truly was disappointed with myself for even thinking of not giving her belongings back to her...All that said i still haven't... I really don't know what the fuck is wrong with me? I guess she really did dig in deep, deep enough that all rational emotional behavior regarding the subject is still beyond me... LOL "rational emotional behavior". That is the biggest oxymoron ever! I can't believe i just typed that?! 

Anyway, what can i say. I really am sorry I've created some recipe for failure when it comes to girls, and hopefully i can get my shit together sooner rather then later... Side note "than and then" "than" is used in a comparison and "then" is used in a referral to time. IE "butter is better THAN margarine". " i went shopping THEN to the movies"... So in my first sentence of the this last paragraph did i use than or then correctly? I mean i am comparing sooner to later, but it is also in reference to time... Huh, have to figure that one out? Anyway, where was i? I lost my train of thought. Damn... Ok well that does it for now i guess....

So scattered...

Monday, November 28, 2011

Reminding me to post

Well here we are; Some serious time has past since my last post, and well i actually almost forgot i was still doing this. That was up until someone commented on one of my posts. Yes that's right people - someone anonymous posted. Do you know what that means? It means someone is actually reading this shit! AWESOME. Seriously though, it was a stark reminder to me that i don't write enough these days, and that i really should get some of the "angst" off my mind. So...

Ok so this comment on my post was, well, lets just say it was enough to get me to delete it. But then i started to think about it and realized, no i shouldn't have deleted it i should actually take the time to review their comment and rebut. So since i've already deleted the comment, i will re post it here. For all to see and enjoy. Im not happy they posted it, but im also not surprised. Its the narrow mindedness of people like this that reminds me there is a world of simpletons out there - all hiding in the realm of just enough knowledge to appear bright, until they really open their mouths. Like the old saying goes, "Its better to appear a fool, than to open your mouth and remove any doubt".
Oh right, the Comment. Well, to put it in context you will need to know what post this individual commented on... Here's the link

Ok so now that you've read the post, i will share the awesome comment

"and all this coming from a guy who has a fucking tribal tattoo on his arm. way to be original, douche-bag."

Great right!? So what do you say when this is thrown at you? Do you get defensive? Mad? Maybe you look in the mirror yourself and take a hard look at what the world sees? Well at first i was all those things, mad, defensive, angry... Then i considered what this person was looking at. They clearly have seen my tattoo - so either they know me or there is a picture somewhere in my blog that shows my tattoo's. Either way they see a guy with some tattoo's and immediately run to "douche". So i have to ask myself, am i a douche? Well, lets see... I have tattoo's - check... And that's where it ends. I've considered it, looked inward and realized that all this person was able to form judgement on me was a tattoo. They must have just seen a photo - they can't have actually met me. I mean how can i be a douche? If they knew me, they'd know i was a father - and a damn good one. They'd know i own my own business and at one point owned and ran 2. they'd see my drive, motivation and determination, as well as bared witness to my unwavering loyalty to my friends. All and all not a douche id say. So what to reply back to this person...

In the end i don't think i can. Anything i say will just fuel more and more comments from this ignorant moron, and hey i shouldn't be upset about this, at least it was being read by someone ;)

Monday, October 10, 2011

Dark Comedy

Well its like some stupid joke that i just don't get. Everyone is laughing, only because every else is laughing. They don't understand it either and are laughing so no one knows they dont get it. Confused yet? Ya me too. Here is an example:

 Take for instance the round-a-bouts that are now scattered all over the Fraser Valley; specifically the ones about Abbotsford. The city built them, because someone told them they were more traffic friendly and efficient than traffic lights. Fewer accidents and less to maintain. So the city ran with what they were told. SOMEONE should have told the advisers that 95% of Fraser Valley drivers can't drive in circle, watch where they are going, and watch other cars moving at the same time! Seriously, if you have a populous that can barely operate a 4 way stop, how in the hell do you think they can manage a constant merging 4 way stop?! I mean it seems simple enough, just drive and when the road turns, you turn, If there is a car or truck coming, wait to turn... Huh, not to crazy right? I drive through two "panic circles" as the major populous treats them, every day going to work. And every day if it wasn't for my horn i'd still be parked behind someone who has to completely make sure the panic circle is empty before entering. And only upon honking do they actually lurch forward, at always the worst time to cut off someone or to just tease me that they might move. I could go on, but seriously, if you understand my pain you are a driver. If you're still laughing at the joke, maybe its time to buy a bus pass.

Another dark joke seems to be my current situation. I have somehow walked away from a good thing, only because i think that the good thing deserves a good thing. Only, really, i think i am a good thing so WTF am i thinking? And in the end whats worse here, being wrong or being right? Ah fuck it, i seriously need to fix my shit before my shit fixes me.
 All i really know is im tired of my own BS and emotional self destruction. Every day i seem to step into this armor and protect myself from any and all who might move to expose me. And every night i try and find a way for that person to get through the cracks and find me, only to panic when they do. I know i've gone on about this shit before, but honestly if i don't talk about it, er, write about it, then i don't think im going to be able to unravel it. So...

Oh another completely random dark joke seems to be my lack of ability to be in 3 places at once, although i can't help but try. Again its simple, there is only one of me, why do i make plans with 3 different people and then rather than just cancel on 2, i just run and shuffle and race to try and make everyone happy, all the while making myself miserable? So.Fucking.Funny. hahaha :(

Well, im still dying to hear the punchline, or at least one I understand, and i hope it comes fast. I miss the good, I miss the normality of it all, and i miss the comfort it brings. And although the chaos that is ensuing is in some strange way fun, i really could use the rest.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I've been thinking

So that was summer eh? Bummer... I mean really, it was fun, hot and all that - just seemed amazingly short! I didn't go camping, i didn't get to do nearly as much riding as i wanted to, and honestly i was kind of hoping to see more than one beach this year... Well, there's always next year i suppose. At least i did get some riding in - even if it wasn't a monumental road trip like i had originally hoped, again maybe next year. By then maybe I'll have my new bike, or new truck, or both?! Right, as soon as i win the lottery :)

Anyway things to say, and right off let me start by saying once again, this as always is a way for me to clear my head. I use this to vent, think, reflect and recycle my emotions, thoughts and problems. It is not used to air my BS, shake those around me that read it, or to drive home any secret messages that I'm not brave enough to say directly to you. If its important, if you need to hear it - believe me when i say, you'll hear it. Understand? Good...

So as of late I've been once again challenged in my thinking. I've been put into positions which have made me re-evaluate my thinking patterns, my goals and directions. In some cases its re-affirmed my stance and made me very clear on my ideals. In others its made me rethink my position, check my reality and question my resolve. In every case its had the same result; I know what i want, and what i don't want. I know where it is i want to go, and have a firm understanding of what i am willing to compromise on and what I'm not. So all in all a great exercise in self evaluation and i really have come to enjoy the challenges of my rationality. It's made me concentrate on the here and now, as well as made me really give energy to the planning of my future. I've wrestled with the idea of not getting into the RCMP, as well as formed a plan of action as a secondary option to that failure (OK, maybe not failure but... well you get it).

 I've also realized once again what is important in my life, and what things really make me happy. My life it seems, is starting to once again get on track. I'm happy, I'm confident, business is improving and so is my attitude. More than pleased with my social life, and starting to really open my eyes to what is necessary in my life in order for me to remain happy. BUT...

Always a but. Recently I've realized there are parts of me that still aren't over my past, and honestly I'm starting to worry if i will ever truly heal.  I understand all things take time, but whether it be a self defence system inertly ingrained in my being, or just straight out cowardice, in any event it sits there in the dark corners waiting for danger. At the very first sign of emotional risk it springs out and shuts down almost everything that is me. Its all i can do some days to keep it back, to remain calm and not run for my life. Other times i can push it back at will and move on. Yet still there are times it doesn't even rear its ugly head - like all is well in the world. I don't quite understand it, nor do i have any control over it, but its been a pain more than a few times in recent months. I would never have considered myself someone who carries their heart in their hand, but the scars of relationships past still plague me it seems. Clearly I'm not very good at the "love'em and leave'em" kind of relationship. A good friend told me that every relationship you get into you will inevitably fall in love. And that even when it ends, and you tell yourself you'll never feel that way again, it happens again, whether you want it to or not. So get used to the pain, and remember its as fleeting as the love. Good news or bad? Not sure how to take that. I do know i love the feeling of being loved, and need someone to hold. It seems to complete me - having that special someone. I'm sure that's the reality for most people out there, but its like some flash of genius hit me and I've suddenly realized it. Anyway i digress...

I guess the whole point of this entry was to share the fact that I've been thinking, and the outcome has been positive. I've been challenged, and I've come through the other side feeling renewed, refreshed and with clarity. The future is never certain, but i can say with certainty that I'm feeling good about my decisions, my direction, and the company that is getting me there. As always my friends are my strength - they say you can't choose your family - but i have, and I'm pleased with my selection.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Cryptic Bull Shit

Wisdom. It takes years of experiences, good and bad, to develop it. Everyone has some amount of it, some more than others, but everyone has some level of it. So why does it seem the more i learn the more i experience, the less i tend to use it when i should?

Seriously now, how is it possible that after making such a huge mistake once, that i can't learn from it and be more guarded against it again. Is is desperation, need, fear? When does wants and desires over turn common sense and rational thinking? Clearly more often than not with me. The more i analyze my current situation, i can't help but see the rationale in it. I know why it went the distance it did, i understand why i let it happen, and i can even see how it happened without me actually catching on until the very end. But still i don't think i could stop it if i wanted to. Well at least not stop it from happening and still be me. I suppose if i stepped out of myself, changed my personality and values, i might have been able to change the outcome, at least on my side. But in the end it wouldn't have been me, nor would it have been what i wanted. Not that i wanted this exactly, but i must admit given different circumstances it would be what i want. So here i am now, with the tide changed, the wind blowing the entirely wrong way. My compass is fucked and quite frankly the next few steps will be entirely in the dark. So what to do? Well, the aggressive person in me says run head first at it, engage it and kill it quick, before anymore damage can be done. But the more rational side of me says play it out and see where it goes, see if its actually a bad thing or a good thing. You're not living if you're not learning.  Then finally the emotional side of me says never again, and at the same time wants exactly that. So, dilemmas dilemmas.

 The best thing about a quandary, at least for me, is the solution. I hate problems but i love solving them. It might be my reason, at least on a subconscious level, for why i get into them to begin with. Everyone seems to have a degree of drama in their life. Some level of BS that in some way manifests itself into our lives. Trust me when i say i don't want any, none of us do, but for some reason we all have some of it, and most of us are a tad guilty of creating it ourselves. So is my desire to solve problems so acute, that i actually allow myself to ignore my wisdom and let it take place just so i have something to fix? WTF? I know how stupid that sounds, but honestly i can't figure it out. For the life of me why else would i allow it to continue? So once again here i am with a problem, or rather a dilemma. It started with me wanting something, getting it, and somewhere along the path of attaining it, realizing that what i was looking for has changed. And now exactly what i have, what i wanted, is not at all what i want.

Confused yet? Ya me too. So why blog so cryptically about it? Why not spit it out and share with you all (all 6 of you) what it is im talking about? Well, to be honest, im a bit confused myself and don't want to destroy something that i actually might want. Also im more than a bit worried that if i made it so clear that it would impact the wrong people the wrong way.  And since i said "to be truthful" i guess i should be entirely honest... Im afraid. Im afraid that if i say or do the wrong thing, that everything i have will fall. Its like im playing a wicked game of Janga for all the beans, its my move and the tower is already shaky. So by sharing the entire picture with all of you might just be the wrong piece to pull and it will all come toppling down.

 So i will continue to use my blog for its intended purpose, to clear my mind, get my thoughts out, and make me feel better. If you are entertained along the way, great. If not, stop reading.  Either way this is my utility for clearing my head, when running and the gym don't do it. failing this, well... I don't know, maybe sleep will turn it off for awhile, assuming sleep will come. The only thing i know for certain right this second, is the longer i do nothing, the longer nothing will change.

 So do i live the coward, or do i die the hero?
Here's hoping the hero lives on :)

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Broken puzzles

I know the pieces fit cause i watched them fall away...

Really that is a great description of my mental state this evening. I can't say why i feel this way, I can't even comment on whether or not this feeling is substantiated, or just some weird side effect of actually winding down after a really busy 10 days. Could it be the drinking blues? I have had quite a bit of the bottle the past 10 days, but it has been vacation time this back half of the 10, and i can't really say its been to excess with the exception of 3 days out of the 10, so i doubt that's it. So then what?

I know for certain my "busy, stay moving, stay motivated, can't stand still, won't sit still, death will slow me down eventually" pace doesn't seem to be enough anymore to keep my mind off of whatever it is im dodging. Every time things slow down, my mind races with thoughts i don't like, realities i don't want to face, and truths i don't want to hear. Again its like im running through the dark, hoping i won't trip, trying to get somewhere - but i can't for the life of me remember where it is im trying to get to. I am beyond frustrated, and im angry and disappointed with myself. I know im better than this, and whatever it is that is making me feel this way is probably the solution to why im not at my best. The puzzle is right here, i know, i've seen the complete picture, and now after i've dropped it i can't seem to get it back together. Its not from lack of effort, this i know. It's also not lack of vision - i know what i want. My planning, although a bit scattered, is still sound. It's focus, or rather lack there of. Which then puts the thought in my head...

 Is it ok? Is it ok to let go, stop trying to get wherever it is im trying to get to and just coast for awhile? I mean, relax and just live a bit - nothing wrong with that right? So why is it every time i don't drive hard towards what i want i feel like im wasting precious time? Never mind, not knowing exactly what it is i want. I mean i know, or at least i think i know, i just don't know, ya know? LOL Yep the pieces are definitely not fitting together right this second. A friend of mine told me a great story on how his life got so much more simpler the day he discovered he could give up. LOL, no kidding, he has  this great wrestling story from high school. How he was constantly struggling to win fight after fight, and then one day he just realized he could quit. Stop trying and quit. And BAM - life was a breeze. No pressure, no disappointments, just day by day happy with what happens. Now i know a complete collapse of effort would do me no good, but his story has some great truth in it. We all try hard to get ahead, we all are working for that "brass ring" or whatever it is we need to accomplish in our lives, and at what time is it ok to not be driving hard towards that goal? And should we feel guilty if we don't reach it? Failure? Or is it ok, because we gave up, and giving up isn't a bad thing as long as we are happy? Damn, even the thought of quiting angers me, makes me feel like a failure. So...

So quiting is out of the picture, and failure isn't an option - so how do i find focus? How do i find exactly where im going  and drive hard for it when i can't seem to see the direction of travel and get side tracked by almost anything... Oh look a squirrel!

Anyway, this has turned into a huge rambling session with no real direction or resolution - big surprise. I remember a time when things seemed far better, more in control, and more complete... But then again, were they?

"I know the pieces fit cause I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering, fundamental differing,
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication
The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication.

I know the pieces fit cause I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication

The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,
And the circling is worth it
Finding beauty in the dissonance

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication

Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion

Between supposed lovers"

~Tool - Schism.

About two lovers, but a lot of the words can be placed on "my goal" just the same.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Thank- you's and Facebookery

Recently i was reviewing my blog, going back and taking a read that has been my last year or so and i came to understand a few things that i might have missed if i were not documenting my "life thoughts" as i have. Firstly, and not to take away from anyone Else's life, but i have had some serious ups and downs the past few years! Secondly AND more importantly, i can't believe the quality of my friends; their support, thoughts, incite and love most certainly have been the "shelter" from the storm. Seriously, put your hands together and give it up for YOU's. You're amazing, you know it, so take the credit, have a smile and do a little happy dance, cause your mom would be so proud of you :) You've put up with my drama, my anger, my BS and my irrationality for so long, I'm surprised you're still my friend. Good thing I'm awesome or you would have bolted by now I'm sure. So ya, that's that. I said it, don't be going around all day with a smug look on your face like you've won something, or some shit. Just take the compliment, realize I'm not as big a prick as you thought, and move along. I won't acknowledge this in person, or for that matter even give you the satisfaction of a wink or a sly smile, so don't be disappointed when you don't get one. K? Alright then, moving along.

This morning i turned on the work PC and started my day like any other, and was getting caught up on the weekends events via the Facebook. Its then when i stumbled on a post from a distant friend of a friend kinda person. Always funny posts, most entertaining, and i believe i met him once a long time ago. Great guy, if not a bit crazy, but cool none the less. He was lamenting on his profile like his world had ended, all things were dead and he wanted to be too. I don't know him at all, but it seems he had a girl, and now she's gone - and he's crushed. I had the most upbeat start to my day, and by the time i finished reading his status i was crushed. His world touched mine, and for a moment i could totally relate to the pain he is going through. I don't know him, not well enough to offer a shoulder or some advice to help him through this horrible time. But i was still crushed by his pain, and felt the most deepest sympathy i think i ever could for a "sort of" stranger.  And as his real friends commented on his situation i began to understand exactly what Facebook is to us and what we really do use it for. As his friends supported him, chastised him and told him he'd be OK, or to suck it up and move on it really sent the message home. Facebook is that tight group of friends from high school, the one or two or five people you hung around all the time. They took you as they saw you, and gave you what you needed when you needed it. They didn't have to agree, they didn't have to feel bad for you, they just had to be there for you. They just listened, maybe gave some advice or kicked you in the ass when you needed it, but there they were. And really that's what Facebook is today. Its that window into your friends lives, and yours just on a grander scale. It lets you see what your friends are up to, what's new, whats good, whats bad, whats what. And we as social creatures want and need that. And because we are all closet social butterfly's, its the easiest way to be there, and do everything without having to commit to being there. And i know, some people are like "why do they carry on like that on facebook? Why do they have to share their every waking moment"? But the real question is, why did you take the time to read it, and why didn't you just block the feed if you get tired of their shit? BECAUSE you want to read it. As much BS as it is you really want to know whats going on EVERYWHERE. If you didn't, if you really just wanted to be in the dark you'd have deleted your facebook account long ago. So stop pissing and moaning about how this guy or that girl go on about everything. Be happy they said yes to your friend invite, and be happy that its not you suffering like they currently might be.

What was my point here?... ... ... Not sure. Guess i was just saying thanks to my great friends, and thanks to everyone that put up with my shit on the Facebook, and ya... Sorry you're dying "Facebook friend", if there is anything i can do, or the mass 342 friends on your list can do, I'm sure if you ask we'll be there - even if you don't like what we say, or we don't like what you say, we'll be there.


Monday, July 25, 2011

Hail the Underdog

Everyone likes the underdog. People cheer for them, they pitty them, they have simpathy for the underdogs cause. They go as far as possible  for them, like its some sort of crusade they are forced to march on. But when does the underdog take it to far. When does he lose the support of all his "fans", how much is too much and how far does the underdog have to go before he loses the masses.
Consider this scenario; Man loses his son to abduction, months later his wife kills herself out of grief.  Soon after he becomes a spokesperson for suicide, and becomes a crusader himself, for lost or missing children. THE WHOLE COUNTRY rallies behind his cause. Why? He's not any different from you or I? He had a family, a regular job, basic necessities like the rest of us. Why do we follow him, why do we "pray" for him? Why do we hang on his words of wisdom and rally to his call? Because, we can relate to his pain. We can imagine the terror, the hurt, the loss. And we put ourselves into his shoes, and try and imagine the terror that is his life. So, through deflection we take his pain, make it ours, and defend all that he does in the name of despair.
Now how about this scenario; Boy grows up in a poor neighborhood. Family is hungry, and the neighborhood is dangerous. He goes to school, works hard to learn so he can help get his family out of this "mess" that is their lives. He graduates, goes to a good school - parents all but starve to get him there, but they insist he goes. He becomes educated, a scholar, and returns home. A few years later, his family is better off, he has a good job -  life it seems is finally giving its just rewards... And then one random night, without warning, there is a shooting in his neighborhood and a stray bullet or two make it through his window and kill his parents. He becomes infuriated, mad at life and its cruelty. Are you on his side yet? Has he suffered enough that if his story is told  you'd feel sorry for him?  Anyway, here he is, grew up poor, parents gave everything for him, and in the end, they die for their efforts and once again he is alone and scared... But angry. So very angry... Still the underdog, still had all the shit a person can stand, and still less fortunate than ourselves. So with nothing left to lose, nothing more "god" can take away, he turns to whomever offers solace, comfort to the wary, and sells promises of a better life. He's been saved! Or is it brainwashed? In interrogation they teach to break someone down, remove all that is dear to them, show them pain, suffering beyond imagine, and then in the end, offer safety, kindness, and mercy. It is at that point that the "programmers" can make that man do anything they want, because he is now broken and they will give him everything he needs to be whole again. Now this underdog has a "team" of people giving him love, and belonging... And all he has to do in return is abide by their rules, and when he's ready they will show him the true path to god and he will finally get all he desires (or has been made to believe he desires).  So when the day comes, he gladly puts on the vest of explosives, and incinerates himself in the centre of a busy street, to deliver all non believers to their fate!

Feel sorry for him still?

I know a long winded story, really dragged it out there, but i did it for effect. We all feel "sorry" for those who suffer and have been given the short end of the stick. We could all agree by the story, he was a smart educated individual. He had the same desires, loves, hates, and needs as most of us. So what ever would make him decide to completely ignore the common sense that would suggest blowing himself up wouldn't be a smart idea?

guerrilla warfare evolved out of necessity to combat an enemy that was superior in arms, numbers and organization. It has now become the backbone of military fighting as we know it. Is this what is happening now. Are we now evolving and going to war as our enemies? Why would some young man in Oslo feel it necessary to kill 95+ people in order to make a statement. Why did he use our enemies tactics to drive his point of view into the people rather than a more peaceful manor? We would say he's crazy, others would argue he was fighting a unseen war.

My heart felt sympathy to those who lost loved ones in Oslo. Lets hope they grieve for their loved ones and not "get saved".

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The low down on whats what.

Well now, what have we here? That's right, another post! I know I know this could actually be habit forming. Three posts just a few weeks?! Well, i won't get carried away with promises, but i will say that for the time being i need this time to clear my head and debrief. I used to talk to, well, anyway i used to talk to debrief, but now this is what i have, so this is what I'll use.

First off lets start with the good news; It appears i have put a stop to the whole "moving" thing, although it was more of an agreement or understanding then an actual order to stop, but either way I'll take it. The boys are going to be staying here, at least until i hear about the RCMP, and if i don't get in, they will remain here. Good news for sure. Secondly, I've started another job. I know what you're thinking, but hear me out. VCAT is getting better, but its cash flow is horrible, and it has a long road ahead to make up the ground it lost during the start of the recession. So, by me working elsewhere, it doesn't have to pay me, and hopefully can make up some of its losses and get back in the black sooner rather than later. My new job is "production supervisor" for an animal feed flavoring business. Ya, totally obscure, most people don't even know that type of business existed, never mind being a thriving industry. Yep, don't know shit about it either, but there are a few things i do know. Pardon me while i toot my own horn but; I am an exceptional leader - hands on and sink or swim,  i learn as i go and inspire and motivate those around me. I am a very fast learner and with the exception of relationships, very rarely make the same mistakes twice. I am a king of efficiency, and don't take lightly my responsibilities. All in all what does this mean? It means i am a damn good manager, production supervisor, and slacker and disorganized employee nightmare. I WILL have success in what i do, and i WILL expect everyone under me to pull their own weight. I WILL expect ownership or those above me to do their part, and do not take excuses as answers - from either party. I have always managed a company as if it were mine, and am fiercely loyal to those who trust me enough to give me the job. SO, in essence i am the best damn manager an employer can have! (Ya i know, but if I'm going to brag, i might as well go the distance. I'm also not a bad cook, pretty funny, and kind of good looking - as long as I'm in the target area of vanity.) LOL

Bad news... Same old story.

And now, without further preamble... What in the hell is the problem with Canucks fans?! Seriously, how can you people go from "we're the best, we're taking the cup, we're unstoppable" to "Our goalie is a siv, they suck, we're doomed", etc etc etc. FUCK OFF already. One bad game does not a bad team make! We still lead the series, and it doesn't matter by how bad we lost one game, so long as we win the series, so get over it. If you're confidence and support is so shaky that you lose all hope after one loss, then to hell with you wagon riders anyway. Could you imagine how the players feel right now, like they need your BS to top off their own feelings. Fucking suck it up, talk about the good, and don't worry about the bad. Hell, even if we lose this cup run, we still broke so many records this year, it will be another 20 years before another team can do the same. Just be happy we went this far, and give the team your support. Like Thumpers dad said,"If you don't have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all".

Aaaannnd done.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Two Posts in a Row!!

Well here it is, the unthinkable! Two posts - back to back WTF? Well what can i say, my mind is busy, really busy, and honestly its not getting much better. So might as well get some stuff off of my mind.

Bad luck happens in 3's so they say, and im at number 2 now... 3 might just actually kill me. My last post, im sure if you know me at all, know what im talking about. What can i say - i want my life back. It was almost as perfect as it could be, and i haven't been that happy, and that in love forever... How i ever fucked that up is still not clear, but god damn what i wouldn't give...  Then last night, can you believe my ex is moving away with my kids??? Well actually trying to move away with my kids. I don't want to impede her future, honestly, i don't care - and if it works for her, good job. BUT i have no intention of watching my kids move 4 hours away because it better suits her. Now, her argument is that if im ever accepted by the RCMP i will be moving anyway, so it shouldn't matter. My counter point is, im not accepted yet, AND i would be leaving - not leaving and taking the kids. So... Can she wait till the RCMP says yes? Will she wait? Oh and what happens if they say no?? I can't see where this is going to get anywhere but ugly. Listen, if all the ducks line up, than great... I get the RCMP job, she moves, kids are as happy as they can be expected to be. Win - win for everyone. Ok i know the boys lose a bit, but honestly a few years with only long weekends or holidays with dad will suck, but in the end dad having a job that pays almost 100k a year with a pension and benefits, will serve them much better later in life... We would lose now for what we gain later. BUT that is all if everything goes right... Doubtful. The reality of this situation is undeniable; if she wants to move for better weather, cheaper cost of living, better job opportunities, then go... But leave the boys behind. Why should they move neighborhoods, schools, lose friends, and change everything in their lives, so that she can see if she can make a go of it somewhere else. I can't join the RCMP, move to Fort Nowhere, and expect that she would let me take the boys away, so why does she think  she can do it to me??

Ok so recap time... First and foremost, i need to see if im going to get in the RCMP - no point in fighting with my ex to not move the kids if im going. Secondly, no point in trying to figure out how to make things work with you know who, if im leaving anyway. BUT, if at this moment i was asked to choose, and i knew i could get her back, and keep my kids close, honestly i think i might decline the RCMP... Wow, that does say a lot doesn't it.

Well, there it is. A very simple answer to all that has pulled me down... Obviously love and my kids are more important to me than a career. I mean, yes a good career and both, perfect, but if i had to choose one or the other - right this second... I choose her, i choose happy vs successful.  I would rather have my family and life than money and future security.

Boy i can't believe how much i've changed in the past 2 years - business and financial success was my total focus... Now its secondary to me being happy, secure, and having my loved ones close.

Monday, May 16, 2011

What to do...

Well once again i've waited far too long to make a post, no doubt i've left all of you in the dark so long that no one is reading this anymore. So i will continue to write for my sake only,  and perhaps it will help me sort the chaos of late that is swimming in my brain.

Recently i did the stupidest thing ever... I threw away something that was absolutely incredible. Yep, the best thing to happen to me in the last 6 years or so, and i just wasted it away like it was nothing. Now, after i settled down, thought it out and really reviewed my situation, i realize a few key points that i might have over looked in my life. First off, when you find happiness, and i mean real happiness, don't take it for granted. I most certain did. Secondly, i never thought i would ever fight and struggle again for something that could be fleeting, up until i lost it, and now want nothing more than to have it back. I've also discovered that regardless of caution, care or concern for a situation like this, i can't help but fully invest myself into it - no longer do i think i will be able to sit on the sidelines and wait to see what happens if i just let it happen. I think i will continually be stepping back and looking in to see what things really are.  Not over analytical but just to create a reference point. I know, this is all very cryptic but as i said in the very beginning this blog is for my brain, and perhaps your amusement. I know what im talking about, sorry if you don't. And maybe the biggest lesson here, the most important thing that one has to remember, especially in this current situation, is; it is not possible to show someone something that they don't want to see. You can say what you want, you can sell it as hard as you can, but in the end if others don't feel the same, there's not much you can do. So my point here is, if its good - really good, don't fuck it up.

There are several points in my life, that if given the opportunity to go back and change things, like most, i certainly would. BUT, the hardships and trials that i've been through have led me to what i recently had,  and if i were to turn back the clock, i honestly think it would be only far enough back to stop me from making this mistake. Maybe one day this will be a Hollywood story, of something great that was lost, and came full circle to being found again, but in truth its more a hope than a reality.  Like Hollywood; great stories, great emotion, mostly fantasy...

Friday, March 25, 2011

Oh wow!

Seriously? I haven't said boo since Christmas. Huh, well, boo!

What the heck people? Half my motivation to blog, is to see others blog too - Like Tammy's tale? WTF is with that, no posts in 4 months??? Seriously lame. I get to say that because i blogged 3 months ago and am doing it now - so i win. Same goes for "My big fat blog"... WTF another 4 month stretch. Not cool ladies, just not cool. Well ,so here i am chastising you two for doing nothing, and well, i really haven't been doing much either. UNTIL TODAY!!! Thats right people, tada!! Stuff! Right now, right here, happening!

So whats new you might ask? Well, say it, ASK. I completely have this image of you, sitting in front of your computer, mouthing the words, "whats new?" Idiot... Well, lets see... I started working with my friend painting cars and such - part time to help with cash. Cool work, neato science, but dirty filthy work. Business is better at VCAT, not great, but not horrible - just starting to turn the corner, so hopefully this is the year we get caught up. What else... Oh, im still seeing the same amazing beautiful girl ive been seeing since last summer... I guess thats not new though - well then again, its probably new for me. I also have continued my long arduous journey in trying to be a cop - still think it would be a very cool job, and still think i probably won't make it. Im not being hard on myself, im just being honest. Physically im ready, mentally im prepared, but lets face it, i've got lots of water under my bridge, and im not exactly what could be called a saint. So, we will see. Worse case is they say no. Then what you ask. Go ahead, ASK. LOL, again i've got this image of you... Well i figure baring being a cop, i might as well try and finish other things that i've been doing for years... Probably chase my GCA goal. Been doing books for years, and if i can't be a cop, then an accountant most likely will be the next direction. I KNOW. Crazy direction change from cop to accountant, but honestly, im good at numbers, i understand books, and well, the paycheck is good. most likely will take me several years to get there, so by the time im 45 and boring, i can be an accountant, which for obvious reasons, most likely will be boring as well - perfect match. Gym is at the forefront again, as well as running. Which is a good thing, because i was starting to gain weight again, and my jeans were no longer requiring a belt... But since the push back to the gym hard, and the increase in running, its all turning around again. Sitting at about 223 today, which is still up 9lbs from last summer, but down from the 232 i hit right after Christmas. I have a bet with Tammy for some weight loss for the end of ...May? Or was it June? I can't remember, but god damn it, im not gonna lose. She is a pro at this stuff and has a wicked track record, but hell - i don't like losing - way to competitive for that shit. Besides if im not careful  and let myself go, won't i be the biggest hypocrite alive.

Um, ya this is usually where i can give you a "grinds my gears" kinda rant, but hell, its FAF today, and im feeling pretty good. I know my blog sounds like its all roses, which i suppose is a great outlook on things, but you all know its nothing but hard work, broke, struggling day by day living here and out there. I just don't feel like bitching today - which makes it a great day to talk to me - stupid people most likely won't get fucked right off right away today. Maybe my mood is good because i get to see my girl tonight AND tomorrow night. Ya i know, crazy right? I won't get into it now, but lets just say our work schedules conflict heavily, and being together often has had its challenges. None the less, not this weekend, not tonight or tomorrow, which is probably the major reason for the better mood. That, and again, it is FAF.

Later! (hopefully not to much later :) )