Sunday, August 14, 2011

Broken puzzles

I know the pieces fit cause i watched them fall away...

Really that is a great description of my mental state this evening. I can't say why i feel this way, I can't even comment on whether or not this feeling is substantiated, or just some weird side effect of actually winding down after a really busy 10 days. Could it be the drinking blues? I have had quite a bit of the bottle the past 10 days, but it has been vacation time this back half of the 10, and i can't really say its been to excess with the exception of 3 days out of the 10, so i doubt that's it. So then what?

I know for certain my "busy, stay moving, stay motivated, can't stand still, won't sit still, death will slow me down eventually" pace doesn't seem to be enough anymore to keep my mind off of whatever it is im dodging. Every time things slow down, my mind races with thoughts i don't like, realities i don't want to face, and truths i don't want to hear. Again its like im running through the dark, hoping i won't trip, trying to get somewhere - but i can't for the life of me remember where it is im trying to get to. I am beyond frustrated, and im angry and disappointed with myself. I know im better than this, and whatever it is that is making me feel this way is probably the solution to why im not at my best. The puzzle is right here, i know, i've seen the complete picture, and now after i've dropped it i can't seem to get it back together. Its not from lack of effort, this i know. It's also not lack of vision - i know what i want. My planning, although a bit scattered, is still sound. It's focus, or rather lack there of. Which then puts the thought in my head...

 Is it ok? Is it ok to let go, stop trying to get wherever it is im trying to get to and just coast for awhile? I mean, relax and just live a bit - nothing wrong with that right? So why is it every time i don't drive hard towards what i want i feel like im wasting precious time? Never mind, not knowing exactly what it is i want. I mean i know, or at least i think i know, i just don't know, ya know? LOL Yep the pieces are definitely not fitting together right this second. A friend of mine told me a great story on how his life got so much more simpler the day he discovered he could give up. LOL, no kidding, he has  this great wrestling story from high school. How he was constantly struggling to win fight after fight, and then one day he just realized he could quit. Stop trying and quit. And BAM - life was a breeze. No pressure, no disappointments, just day by day happy with what happens. Now i know a complete collapse of effort would do me no good, but his story has some great truth in it. We all try hard to get ahead, we all are working for that "brass ring" or whatever it is we need to accomplish in our lives, and at what time is it ok to not be driving hard towards that goal? And should we feel guilty if we don't reach it? Failure? Or is it ok, because we gave up, and giving up isn't a bad thing as long as we are happy? Damn, even the thought of quiting angers me, makes me feel like a failure. So...

So quiting is out of the picture, and failure isn't an option - so how do i find focus? How do i find exactly where im going  and drive hard for it when i can't seem to see the direction of travel and get side tracked by almost anything... Oh look a squirrel!

Anyway, this has turned into a huge rambling session with no real direction or resolution - big surprise. I remember a time when things seemed far better, more in control, and more complete... But then again, were they?

"I know the pieces fit cause I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering, fundamental differing,
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication
The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication.

I know the pieces fit cause I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication

The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,
And the circling is worth it
Finding beauty in the dissonance

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication

Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion

Between supposed lovers"

~Tool - Schism.

About two lovers, but a lot of the words can be placed on "my goal" just the same.