I was told

If you're going to say I told you so, now's the time...

I miss being happy. I mean, really miss it. I have good days and I have bad days, like the rest of the world, but it just seems to be surface emotions day to day. At night, when I am alone, when the glitter and sparkle of my happy go lucky attitude slips away, that's when I'm left with what it was covering. Again, probably everyone feels this way from time to time, but the truth of it is, I never used to be like this. There were moments, real times in my life, when I was genuinely happy. As I wrote before, we have to learn how to be happy with ourselves, because that is who we spend the most time with. This is where I stumble, where the confusion really takes over, because in general I am happy with myself. I'm proud of my accomplishments and with where I've come from and where I'm going. As with all of us, things could be better as they sure as hell could be worse. So, is this what happy is supposed to be? Content with not being worse?

I've been told many times in my life that I am a codependent individual, with underlying issues around trust and abandonment and so - it makes sense that I have issues being alone. With my past it makes sense, but as I delve deeper into my own issues, read a few things, talk to some people, I've realized that I am truly happy when I have found love, acceptance and the feeling of being needed. Not the kind of "needed" like "fix my car, are you good with painting, I need help moving". I mean, I don't mind helping with that stuff, but being loved and needed by my friends is not the same as being loved and needed by a partner. It's this solid realization that has caused me to reflect and analyze my past relationships. It's in this analytical state that I've come to understand what really makes me feel whole.

With the above information in hand, let me first start by saying I have NEVER stayed in a relationship out of fear of being alone, nor have I ever started a relationship because I didn't want to be alone any longer. In the few relationships I've had, there has been a constant moral code to which I've held strongly. I've never said I love you until I've meant it, and I've always strived to be as honest and forthcoming as I can - even if it hasn't been in my best interest. That being said, I have been a poor communicator in the past, and perhaps still currently, but I am working on it. 

When I think back to the key moments of the best memories, look at some photos, reflect on the truly life changing events that made each moment more amazing then the last, the resounding message I get is the same. So go ahead, say it...