Love

Wow... so this still exists... Ok. well... I guess I'm here for a reason so...

This will start like all really good stories start - with a broken heart...

It's my fault - let me be clear on that... I did this, not her, not us, but me... Some will say it takes two, others will point the finger at her, but in truth the only person to blame is myself. I did this, I own it, and I accept the pain I've created - for everyone involved...

Moving on...

things I need to say:


I love her - without exception, without question, she is in my heart and I will never let her go... She is also the girl you don't know. She is loving, passionate, exceptional in every way and you've never met her. She has shown me what love looks like, tastes like, feels like and smells like... She was and still is my world... She is you - she is me. She is what every man desires and what every woman aspires be. And she is mine, or was... Or might be...

I don't know - which is where the terrifying piece of this tale starts... or ends...

there are a few things you need to understand before this tale makes sense...

I have been unreachable... Unavailable. Un-waiving. Hard like stone, cold like ice, solitude like a monolith... and its not fair... for her ... or me...

I love her - and I shouldn't... Not that she isn't deserving or desirable... Rather because its too early or too late - time is still determining the answer... My tears taste like regret mixed with fear and anticipation...

So that is the back story... following so far? It's ok, I don't expect you to... read the start of this blog and you'll once again get the gist... It's about me, and coping with my thoughts, and I'm bringing those reading along for the ride...

So... Let me start by re-iterating... She's fucking amazing! Seriously, so beautiful and so loving you'd question in a heart beat why she's even talking to you... She'll make you weak with her eyes and shut your brain off with her touch... I can fully attest to the reality that she makes me weak and dumb with the slightest of efforts...

And she likes me! She might actually love me! Whether she has said it or not - I can only share the way she makes me feel and conclude love must feel like this...

And I feel unworthy. I feel shallow and empty and cold... not because I am, but because I've been hurt and carved up so badly before that my solitude brings safety...

I hate it... I despise my hardness.

I want to be open, vulnerable and easily hurt - so she can fill me with love...

Instead I find myself scared, skittish, and easily shallow so as  to be safe...

So why am I here?

Because in the end I need to tell the world I am soft. Broken. Vulnerable. Wanting... Weak...

But she won't buy it... She won't believe that I am all those things plus who you've known me to be... Why?

I've changed? Ive taken what is hard and turned it into what is needed. Because ive taken what is lies and made it the truth...

So where am I now?

Well... We know she's not available but I still love her... What she doesn't know is no matter how new this is - it's old. It's as old as time itself. she really is why I wake in the morning and can't wait to sleep at night... My dreams can be hers - her fantasy and reality - if only she'd let me in...

She is you... Yes... Stop denying it and open the door... Love absolute is waiting - and has been for some time.. I know it's early and years late... But it's here now - if only you'd see it...

 I love you... Even if I shouldn't...

So what now?

Well... You know who you are... I don't hide my emotions well... I don't deny them or shy away from them anymore... Love made me like this... So... take advantage of it before cowardice  and shame make me less of a man and I deny my feelings...

... And if you're confused - then you're not alone... Just talk to me... I already took the risk... What are you waiting for?!