Anxiety Pie

The anxiety is real, palpable. I can feel it, taste it, and it stares back at me in the mirror - when I'm brave enough to look. It has me, there is no escaping it. It's been there for so long I don't think i could imagine life without it. I've learned to hide it, cover it, bury it, and deny it, and drown it - even going as far as embracing it, just to find a way to cope. Truth is I've been on the cusp of survival for so long I think I've actually forgotten how to live.

Today while sharing my current mental state I heard some words that really seemed to reach me to the core. Not therapy - I've tried that, but my kind of therapy. Friends. Real friends. The type of friends that tell you what they think, but recognize they aren't necessarily right, any more than I am. The people in your life that mean more. You know what I'm talking about. THE friends you wouldn't and most likely couldn't replace. Most of us have one or two, maybe if you're really lucky you have more than that. My point is, these are the friends you really want to talk to when shit is shit. When, regardless of the weather, it's a fucking storm out there... Or in here, if you catch my meaning.

The words! It seems overly easy to get distracted from getting to my point here, probably the anxiety attached to the statement, and the resulting affects there in...

"Genuine happiness will only come from within. You can change jobs, locations, lifestyles, lovers, anything you want. After the newness of the event wears away, you'll still be left with you. So make sure you know how to be happy. Don't assume that just happens or you know how to be happy. Realize it's something you have to work at, something you have to learn to do. And for the record, i still don't know what that looks like or how to do it, it's a developing skill that I've still yet to master."

(there is some paraphrasing here - and it's a combination of a few different conversations, but this was the overwhelming message).

HUGE statement, right!? I mean, solid ground breaking comments ( I mean for me anyway) followed up by, "good fucking luck"!

So as my day progressed and i was continually thinking on the conversations that started my day, I began to reflect. As like most things, we start to look for blame or error, tied to a specific event, that got you to where you currently are. That one or two solid turning points that pinpoint the exact moment shit went for shit. Then the real answer hit me like shovel to the face. My entire life has been a struggle, and those who know - know. I don't need to share the details because lets face it, we've all been through hell in our own ways. When i started to look at my "happy times" i realized they've all been sliced up by periods of shit throughout my life. The more i reflected, the more I realized my entire life could be broken down into a pie chart, and hey - who doesn't like pie?! Anyway, i think I've figured it out. Not how to be happy, and not how to make this anxiety go away, but figured out WHAT the key to happiness is... Ready?

If you chop your memories up into slices in a pie, then make each slice the proportional size of the duration of each event of happiness and misery, the whole goal is to have your pie be more good memories than bad. More good people in your life than not. More love, less hate. Simple right?

My take away here - for me, has 2 parts. Firstly i need to learn how to create good, happy memories without others being present. That, truly is a tough one. I'll let you know the moment I figure it out. The second is to surround myself with people that make me smile, make me happy, make me laugh. Enjoy the people that really do enrich and support me. That last sentence is key; regardless of who talks the most to you, who gives the most or perceived best advice, it's only the ones that truly care about how you cope, sleep, live, love and languish that matter. A quick side note; not all your close friends are the friends you think they are. Like any symbiotic relationship, they take as much as they give, if not sometimes more. Just be careful when digesting advise, and recognize how perhaps their advice might actually benefit them, after all self servitude is part of the above advice.

So, while I learn to live in my own skin, I will endevor to find some answers to my above noted questions and comments. Again, all this "realization" might not mean shit, nor does it guarantee I'll learn how to sleep the night through alone, but I still remain ever hopeful that at some point in my future, anxiety and I will part ways - if not forever, then at least for a period of time or two, now and again.


C