The switch at the top of the stairs

I've been told a few times now that I can write - well - that I articulate thought well in words... So, is that writing or just being able to ramble in apparently a semi-intelligent way when given the time to proof read? Doesn't matter I suppose. What I really think matters is ones ability to make sense of their own thoughts, if that is even possible -  and so without further ado;

Dark places... We all have them. They might be memories, or skeletons, or shadows of shadows of our past, broken hearts, crushed souls or even just plain good old self loathing, but I'm sure we all have them. You know what I'm talking about. It's that place your mind wanders to when for whatever reason you find yourself in a thought of melancholy despair, the analytical self diagnosis of emotion, or just a plain old culmination of self pity mixed with self loathing and a dash of anxiety all rolled into too many drinks or not enough self love. Whatever the reason we go there from time to time - in my case usually after I've drank enough, or stressed enough or hurt enough to just stop fighting and start analyzing why. Why me, why like this, and why now?

I find myself once and awhile slipping into the darkness. It's like everything that is good has a twin - dark and distant that needs to slip into focus once and awhile to remind me that for everything I've got - it comes at a cost. In some cases the cost was miniscule. It was time, or pain or effort. All small things, especially after you've done them. Think about that; Ever work out or run or whatever and hate every second of it? Loath and despise the very moment you started to the moment it ends? But give it a bit of time, recover from it and then look back? Usually it's with some self pride of completion and almost never do you regret the effort it took after the fact... I've almost never regretted working out or running an hour after I did it. I'm usually more then grateful. Yet, despite knowing that - I still procrastinate some days on working out or getting changed to go for that run... Strange if you think about it.

I carry large amounts of self loathing and guilt when I look back. I would like to think that almost everyone does - but I really don't believe it. I've done my fair share of damage- no hiding it. No denying that my wake of destruction stretches back well before I was even in possession of a drivers licence. So then what? Dwell in it, think on it? Loath and despair what makes me, me? Yup - some days for sure. The salvation to this darkness - to this despair, for me anyway, comes from outside. Yes I know - look inwards and ye shall find the answer - blah blah blah - or some shit like that. Whatever... Sure - I love me - as much as the next person loves themselves I suppose - maybe a bit less as perhaps some of my past decisions might have carried more consequences' then others decisions at times - but for the most part I don't hate me.  My point being that it took an outside force to remind me that I'm not all evil, not all taking, all destroying all world crushing like I've felt some days. It took someone outside looking in, listening and watching and experiencing me and my thoughts - the ones I share anyway - to remind me there is far more good in me then I sometimes realize. Don't get crazy now - I'm not interested in saving the world or anything, I'm just saying I'm not as horrible as I sometimes think of myself. The most darkest parts of my thoughts always wash away when I take a moment and think about you. Not about what you say or said, or did or didn't do, but just you. When I think about how my life changed when you came into it, how it changed when you're near and how it continues to change whenever you're in my thoughts. You are my savior. My beacon to the light, the light switch when I run up the stairs from the dark basement.

So I say unto you - thank you. Thanks for reminding me, thanks for the light switch, and thanks for seeing in me what I many times forget to see myself.

Love

Wow... so this still exists... Ok. well... I guess I'm here for a reason so...

This will start like all really good stories start - with a broken heart...

It's my fault - let me be clear on that... I did this, not her, not us, but me... Some will say it takes two, others will point the finger at her, but in truth the only person to blame is myself. I did this, I own it, and I accept the pain I've created - for everyone involved...

Moving on...

things I need to say:


I love her - without exception, without question, she is in my heart and I will never let her go... She is also the girl you don't know. She is loving, passionate, exceptional in every way and you've never met her. She has shown me what love looks like, tastes like, feels like and smells like... She was and still is my world... She is you - she is me. She is what every man desires and what every woman aspires be. And she is mine, or was... Or might be...

I don't know - which is where the terrifying piece of this tale starts... or ends...

there are a few things you need to understand before this tale makes sense...

I have been unreachable... Unavailable. Un-waiving. Hard like stone, cold like ice, solitude like a monolith... and its not fair... for her ... or me...

I love her - and I shouldn't... Not that she isn't deserving or desirable... Rather because its too early or too late - time is still determining the answer... My tears taste like regret mixed with fear and anticipation...

So that is the back story... following so far? It's ok, I don't expect you to... read the start of this blog and you'll once again get the gist... It's about me, and coping with my thoughts, and I'm bringing those reading along for the ride...

So... Let me start by re-iterating... She's fucking amazing! Seriously, so beautiful and so loving you'd question in a heart beat why she's even talking to you... She'll make you weak with her eyes and shut your brain off with her touch... I can fully attest to the reality that she makes me weak and dumb with the slightest of efforts...

And she likes me! She might actually love me! Whether she has said it or not - I can only share the way she makes me feel and conclude love must feel like this...

And I feel unworthy. I feel shallow and empty and cold... not because I am, but because I've been hurt and carved up so badly before that my solitude brings safety...

I hate it... I despise my hardness.

I want to be open, vulnerable and easily hurt - so she can fill me with love...

Instead I find myself scared, skittish, and easily shallow so as  to be safe...

So why am I here?

Because in the end I need to tell the world I am soft. Broken. Vulnerable. Wanting... Weak...

But she won't buy it... She won't believe that I am all those things plus who you've known me to be... Why?

I've changed? Ive taken what is hard and turned it into what is needed. Because ive taken what is lies and made it the truth...

So where am I now?

Well... We know she's not available but I still love her... What she doesn't know is no matter how new this is - it's old. It's as old as time itself. she really is why I wake in the morning and can't wait to sleep at night... My dreams can be hers - her fantasy and reality - if only she'd let me in...

She is you... Yes... Stop denying it and open the door... Love absolute is waiting - and has been for some time.. I know it's early and years late... But it's here now - if only you'd see it...

 I love you... Even if I shouldn't...

So what now?

Well... You know who you are... I don't hide my emotions well... I don't deny them or shy away from them anymore... Love made me like this... So... take advantage of it before cowardice  and shame make me less of a man and I deny my feelings...

... And if you're confused - then you're not alone... Just talk to me... I already took the risk... What are you waiting for?!

Sorry, we're currently experiencing higher than normal call volumes...

Holy never ever post anymore!! I don't know why i have so much trouble finding the time to get this done, but it seems it's almost become a habit not to post. I know it really does help me clear my head, so i should do it more often... Well, anyway - I'm doing it now. 

I have had the most awesome opportunity to have to call at least 4 customer service "help" lines over the past month or so, and i must say, what a treat it's been! Two were with insurance companies, one with a bank, and the final one was with Nike+ (which really was 2 calls, one to the USA, then one with Canada). First things first - EVERY number i dialed with EVERY company had all the same response... Ya, you guessed it - we're experiencing higher than normal call volumes, etc etc. Which leads me to believe that either every human that needed to talk to them called the exact moment i called, or perhaps their call volumes are normal, but the staff too low to keep costs down, and apologize for it right at the start? Anyway, it really doesn't matter, but what does matter is the way i am treated when i actually get to speak with a human being. I mean, i was patient enough to press all the numbers i was prompted to, and waited patiently until the horrible choice of music or "did you know" help information came to a halt. I have played by their rules, so now its time to actually deal with why i was calling. How am i awarded for my patience and delay? Well, if you were the bank, you were polite, to the point and... Couldn't really give a shit. It isn't your department, or you couldn't help from where you were, and i have to contact my agent or my branch to resolve any issues i have. If you were the insurance companies you simply emailed me a bazillion kajillion forms to fill out in order to facilitate the most minor of changes. (And yes, bazillion Kajillion is a real number, and although perhaps slightly exaggerated, very close to the amount of documents i actually had to fill out.) If you were Nike, you were of split personalities. If you were in the USA, you were very polite and sympathetic to my plight. You did your absolute best to collect the facts, record them with haste and get on with finding me a resolution that i would be happy with. You would go as far as you could go, until you realized i lived around the 49th Parallel. Then you apologized for your inability to continue to help me, but gave me a reference number, and ALL the information required to contact Nike Canada. From the 1-800 number, to a CANADIAN usable reference number regarding all my call details, my original email comments, and a link to the "possible" recorded telephone conversation we had. All very EXTREMELY helpful and professional service. In fact, arguably some of the best customer service i can remember in a "help line" call. But, if you were the Canadian Nike call centre, it was all so very different. You would have telephone prompts and "press 1 for English" directions, you too would have helpful "did you know" information while i was on hold, but when you answered the phone, that is when this call was completely different from my other Nike call. You would be quick to the point, but abrupt. You would ask questions accusingly, an when given an answer you would pause and then question the answer further. I would volunteer to you the reference number i had from Nike USA and you would ignore it. I would continue answering the same questions i already answered moments and days earlier, until i once again volunteer the reference number. Then when you finally take the number, you would immediately go on the defensive and WARN me that although you are giving me a claim number, in NO WAY does that guarantee and accepted warranty resolution, nor could you even guarantee me that if it is covered under warranty that i would get back the same colour option i had originally purchased. You would then blurt out a claim number, with a mailing address, stressing that i MUST quote the claim number CLEARLY on the outside of the package, reminding me SEVERAL TIMES, before giving me the mailing address. Then reminding me one more time for good measure. Then without so much as a thank-you for supporting Nike, or thanks for calling, or have a good day, or anything, you just say, "alright thanks", and hang up. Not ask me if i could read back the all important claim number, not confirming with me if i have the mailing address correct, nothing. As a matter of fact, if we were in person, i would describe the feeling as being escorted to your front door, being shoved out, and told goodbye, while you slammed the door in my face. Ya, that is what the call felt like.

I am continually amazed on how most Canadians I talk to, describe US citizens as rude, pushy etc, but when it comes to customer service, they not only could show us a thing or two, but most likely would have to teach us EVERYTHING.

When it comes to customer service they are spot on and we are, well... Just a spot. 

Beat upon me, but i won't break?

Seriously folks, I've had just about enough. I really think I'm spinning my wheels here but going nowhere. I mean i work - a lot, but still it seems I'm running on a hamster wheel and getting nowhere. Own my own business, work a full time day job, work any kinda side work i can get for cash, but still it feels like things are conspiring against me these days. I know it sounds like I'm whining but i just can't help it today. My vehicle has been broken into at least 5 times in the last two months, and the total loss at this point has got to be well over $1000 worth of items and damage - and aside from one or two times that I've been forgetful, I've taken everything worth value out of the vehicle at night. And when there is nothing to steal, they still find some way of screwing me. Last time it was break my fuel restricter and siphon my gas instead! And the best part, I live in a town house complex! There is like 50 windows in every direction, and at least 10 street lights  but still they bugger me. Lets add to it by saying my dryer packed it in, my built in vacuum died, and my business bank just recently seems to feel that I'm not worth the paper my account number is written on... I'm just fed up. I really am ready for the zombie apocalypse - I could go for some time just shooting people in the head instead of dealing with them... 

Ok enough... I'm done - things aren't horrible. I have a roof over my head (although that's another $7000 come January), my health is ok, at least nothing to complain about that every other 40 year old isn't already complaining about. My kids are well behaved, and by business is still in business. I've got a girl friend that pampers me and my hockey game is getting better. What more could a guy really want? I guess all the rant is just that, blowing off steam. Truthfully i'd like a job where i only had to work it and still be comfortable. Zero stress aside from the one job, with enough pay to at least cover my overhead and save a little. Nothing crazy to hope for right? Again kids, one more reason to stay in school. All this above bitching aside life isn't horrible... So why am I? What the hell is it going to take to make me happy? I feel like im in a big giant hole of despair right now and its starting to be a real bummer. It could always be worse people say, and I agree. But seriously very few people apply themselves as much as i do and have so little to show for it. Again with the bitching and whining - sorry. Argh.

di-di-dit-de-de-dit-de-de this just in; Man loses motivation and couldn't find it under  the couch! Again it seems my motivation to see the gym and the track are waning. I want to go, I know I'll enjoy it when i get there or do it, but i just can't seem to justify the time vs payoff right now. There is a 100 other things i could be, should be, and aren't doing, never mind taking care of myself. So, i guess i have to go back to the basics and remember - the only thing someone can't take from me, is me. So i might as well be the best me i can. If i don't respect myself enough to take care of myself, why would someone else respect me right?

Anyway, the purpose of this blog was to rant - and that i've done. A bit of a whiny sucky, pissy post today, but hey - i posted!!

C

Sell me your wares gypsy!!

It's like the entire world is conspiring against me! Well actually it's not like that at all, it just seems like it. First of all, i haven't done any running, and haven't had a hint of the gym since before the Tough Mudder. Now, some of that was laziness. I trained for 4 months for the half marathon, then another month for the Mudder, so i figured what would 2 weeks off do... Well they let me hurt my back, which perpetuated into over 2 months off!! So now, I'm still nursing a back injury, as well as my Achilles tendon is bothering me, but i will not let this dissuade me from getting back at it... Just slower and more cautiously than before. Otherwise i can see this running away from me and turning months into years! So again i will giver a go - hopefully with a bit of caution this should be a slow but smooth transition back into in shape, at the right end of the scale, and happier all around for it.

On a happier note - sorta, i have ordered my Nike+ Fuelband!! It will help me with some greatly needed motivation I think, so i had to have it. But purchasing it was, well, a hell of an experience... First off  there isn't a reseller of Nike+ Fuelbands ANYWHERE in Canada. No where. Really. WTF, right? So i figure, heck lets order one on line... Great except wouldn't you know it, when you click on the box that says, "order now", it links you back to a Canadian only site, where suddenly the Nike Fuelband doesn't exist and is not for sale!! So i figure, I'm smarter than an f'n website, I'll just change the region. Haha! Nope, it automatically detects my "area" i guess through my IP address, and sends me back to the Canadian site EVERY TIME! Argh!! So again, i AM smarter than this website!! I download a great program (lets you surf the web anonymously - random IP generation world wide). Launch my new browser and bam!! Ha ha i am on the US site! Go to "purchase now" and wammo - I'm suddenly redirected to the Great Britain site! Ha, so i renew my IP, and zing! I'm suddenly on the Dutch site! ARGH... Clearly i cannot choose the IP country of origin with this new browser, so now what... Ahah! I will go to the Help option on the US site, and see if i can get me some customer service help. Zap, back to Canada it sends me - so what i say! I still contact help, and send them a message... SELL ME YOUR WARES GIPSY!! Which generates an automated response email... We're f'n busy over here at Nike NOT SELLING our products, so expect a 48-72 hour delay in response, but don't worry we'll get to you, you're business is important to us. Right... What happened to their motto? Just Do It? Well... JUST SELL ME YOUR SHITTY PIECE OF EXERCISE GEAR I WANT! How about that!? ... ... ... Just breath Cory, just breath... ... ... Ok so, after more than 40 minutes of key punching, desk striking, screaming at a no good for nothing useless to me website, i decide to call the customer service helpline. Yep, good old 1-800 number - which the screen says is closed 4:40 eastern time, which is well past the time i am calling, but hey, what the hell right? It's not like I was doing anything anyway and who knows, maybe someone will answer, or a voice mail might get there quicker than my help email request. Then without any sort of warning, fanfare, or trumpets or anything, like a miracle from the heavens a customer service representative just up and answers the call!!! 2 minutes of conversation and he tells me this is a minor problem on their web site, and they are working towards repairing it... Minor problem? Minor? How the hell do you sell a product that no one can buy, and call that minor?! Anyway, not his deal, he just works there... SO - he takes all my info, logs on to the Nike site that I am a registered member with, and has all my information, including the stuff i typed in an hour ago for the purchase of the band... It's all there - waiting - like it did it already and i just needed a human to see it... I felt so relieved and immediately angry at the same time!! But, none the less i held my temper, and waited for my sales representative to finish with me... 5 minutes later i am congratulated on my new purchase, and can expect it at my US mailing address in 3-12 days... What? 3-12 days? That is some spread don't you think? I mean, 4-7 days, ok. 7-10 days, makes sense... But what kind of multinational conglomerate like Nike has a random shipping department that can't narrow delivery times down to within a week? I mean seriously - how do  you sell ANYTHING with that kind of schedule?! "Thank-you for your order sir, is there anything else i can do for you?" ... No no, im good thanks. Goodbye.

And there you have it! I am a proud soon to be owner of one very special - custom ordered Nike+ Fuelband. Soon to be in stores no doubt...

Cory