Monday, March 20, 2017

Don't read this!

I have anxiety. Fear. sadness. pain. love. regret. pride. anger. shame. Just to name a few. I feel as if at any moment one feeling will betray the next and it's terrifying to me. I go from smiling and rocking out on a drive down the highway to tears if specific songs come on. 4 minutes later a good summertime song comes on and I'm smiling again... My emotions have become my master, and I feel completely helpless to them. Somewhere in the stretch of time between no longer caring to caring too much I seem to have lost all emotional control. For a guy who has been called cold, detached and emotionally void, the pendulum sure has swung the other way. Is it fair to say that life has made me this way? Is it some sort of emotional wall built over years of pain, betrayal and disappointment that abruptly and without notice, just crumbled away and let a flood of everything wash upon me? What once shielded me has become my destroyer and I still have yet to learn if that is the worst or best thing for me... I no longer feel protected. I fear being this exposed but at the same time recognize that the emotional hardness I once held has caused me more pain than it kept out. Right?!

We all have reasons to be untrusting, we have all been betrayed at one point in our lives. We all have known heartbreak. Love and hate is not new to any of us. I am not special - I know. So how is it that everyone else around me seems to hold it together day in and day out without much effort, while silently I stew in a pot of emotional torment not knowing what to do or what to say, and question everything far more than I should. I read a meme just the other day that said if over thinking burned calories I'd be dead. It most certainly feels that way to me. I think to much. Sometimes I wish I could think about something constructive when I'm like this, at least it would be productive, not just useless rambling...

Life is not bad. I am happy, I think. I could be happier - so everyone of us would say, so again I'm not any more or less special than you. Money, stress, work, love, family, etc etc.  Some days are better than others we'd all agree, but the big hook in my days lately has been this emotional rollercoaster for certain. Therapists would say talk about your feelings to undo the anxiety or stress of them, but I can't even begin to put my finger on the why of it. Have you ever realized that most times life just goes on with or without you, and a good amount of the speed bumps you hit are usually brought on by yourself just creating bs that didn't need to happen anyways? Is this, that? lol.

What do I know - I'm even thinking now that I probably just wasted 5 minutes of your day by writing something that really doesn't help anyone, including myself. I guess the best thing to do is get some rest, try not to think too much about shit I don't control, can't control and definitely don't understand.

Sorry for the above drivel - I had hoped it would help clear my mind, but instead it just made me feel even more...