Tuesday, April 28, 2020

Well, i'm alive...

Fasten your seat belts kids, this is one hell of a ride...

       I guess the best place to start, is with the facts... 

1) I am drunk... Maybe a bit more than drunk...

2) My brain straight up, cannot be trusted in this state, to make any sort of conclusions, remember important facts or truths, or moreover be trusted to make closing arguments or decisions... But, here we are...

3) I am not a good person.

4) I am a good person.

5) Most everyone I know, has only seen one side. 

I, in most realities should be dead. Truth. With the lives I've lived, the crap I've climbed out of, and the absolute bum start I got, the odds were "forever NOT in my favor", yet here I am. In this quasi reflective state, still numb from any sadness or anger, I find the overwhelming feeling of neutrality somewhat comforting. That is to say, in some ridiculous sad and pathetic way, the fact that when I finally go to bed tonight, I won't "feel" something, anything. I won't be reflecting on a broken heart, never mind trying pathetically to find the cure to my hearts poor beaten path, knowing full well there isn't one. I won't lie there, scroll through social media and leer at the newest post, or more followers she has. I will in fact, lie down and close my eyes, and in the darkness try to FEEL the emptiness. Recognizing that my entire reality is merely the monster or savior that my consciousness has created. 


Seriously, shit like that just falls out of my head, but yet I have a hard time remembering why I came back upstairs... Drivel I know. Like a thesaurus fell on my head and left a mark... I guess what I am trying to say here, when I've drunk enough, had enough and still am standing, seems to be the exact point emotion currently leaves me, thus granting me some small relief, before the remorse, resentment and hangover all set in. In this state, now, I  can't help to look inward, and analyze what in the fuck...

I deserve better. Now. I really do feel that all my wrongs at some point, must be paid for, and the "right" is coming my way. That is not to say I don't deserve the bad. Maybe the scales haven't tipped yet, maybe they have but I'm too mired down in my own muck I haven't noticed yet. In any event, I'm due. I will get through this and with any luck at all, be happier for it. Not to say I would be unhappy if things worked out as planned, but more like even though I didn't want this, it was the best thing for me. The grasping overall message here is simple; I create my reality. YOU create YOUR reality. Don't forget it. My reality has been, "that's it, the best just left me", when in reality it's actually "she'll never do better". My reality. If it's anything less, there can't be closure. There can't be self worth. 

I have felt that the one that got away was "the one", but the reality is I never went anywhere. Not the other way around. 

Crap. Or not, what the fuck do I know... I'm drunk.

Sunday, March 29, 2020

Put on your tinfoil hat!

Well if you're into conspiracy theories than this will make you think a whole lot!! I'm not saying I'm buying into this thought pattern here, at all - but in conversation I've realized it's not too far out of the realm of possibility. Let's just set the stage here;

Firstly you have a world on the brink of environmental collapse - with every country having strong supporters of global warming and ways to combat it's ever-steadily gaining reality. Riots in the streets, protests, economically sound decisions being delayed by governments and lobbying agencies. Add some descent in a few socialist countries, including China which had riots of the millions in its streets, but couldn't roll out tanks again, as today the cameras and social media show would and could become damning to their own economy on a global scale. Soooo...

Enter a virus, which spreads quickly and kills... Soon everyone is on quarantine and self isolation, streets are empty, protests and environmental issues seem to have become secondary and completely invisible to us now. No more complaining about pipelines, oil tankers or environmental issues. 

Now, let’s really strap on those tinfoil hats and look at the "bigger global picture". As i've stated, I am not saying i believe this, I’m not saying this is anywhere close to reality, but i am saying, well... What if?

The rule of 7 states that typically speaking, you could know 7 people and who in turn know 7 people and one of them will know one of the ones you know, and on and on - or something like that. So, in conversation with a bunch of friends, who know a bunch of friends, I’ve yet to talk to anyone, who's talked to anyone who knows someone with the virus currently. NO I’m not saying its fake, NO I’m not saying your sick or lost love one is being downplayed or isn't real, I’m just saying i personally, in my circle of friends, and in their circle of friends, and so on, don't actually (or haven’t mentioned it) know someone who is currently sick. In the world of reality, I feel both lucky and relieved for being this fortunate, but this is a conspiracy post so - reality has no place in this post right now. 

So let’s for a moment, look at what a global health concern has done to the populous of the world in just around 3 months... 

It's removed tens of thousands of people from our populous. The virus prays on the elderly, low immune and sickly (in conspiracy land this means they've removed a huge amount of people who were already a tax on the medical systems).

Public control and programming.

They've managed to keep us all indoors for the most part, watching the news and entertainment which could be 100% manipulated by world governments, as well making sure we're watching exactly whatever movies and TV shows they want us to watch... Consider when Netflix first came out; you would watch a movie, and half way through it would freeze, buffer, and load, then play a bit, and repeat. Now, the whole world is indoors watching streaming TV, and not one buffering issue?! Well, clearly they've been capping bandwidth forever, and opened it up now - to make sure we can all see exactly what they want us to. 

Global warming.

They've already shown how much lower emissions are around the world with little to no traveling, commuting etc. They could be gathering large amounts of data on what it will take to reverse our polluting and save this world - all with a government ordered "stay home". For all we know, the true powers that be knew the world was doomed in the next "x" months or years if we didn't do anything, and now they've extended that time for us by a few more years, or whatever... Again, crazy crazy, super crazy talk here, right?

Global economy crash.

The money was getting out of hand. National debt, global deficits in the trillions and still no end to the spending and borrowing and lending... Now, as things continue to spiral, we find that it could one day be possible to return to gold as being the standard value for wealth to rely on, with all other currencies failing or collapsed. 

My crazy - super crazy conspiracy theory talk here is just stating that, in a matter of 3 months or so, the world has managed to set up a system that is in control of the public’s movements, what they see and hear, thus controlling their thoughts and opinions. They’ve culled the populous and reduced our numbers, giving us more food, more water, more everything for the rest of us. They've reduced global emissions, spend money pretty much uncontested by the populous, and have our complete cooperation in regards to finding a cure to this pandemic. The virus that everyone is afraid of, the virus that will crush us - which no one I know that knows someone that they know, hasn't had... 

I could keep spiraling down this specific rabbit hole getting farther and farther away from reality with each sentence, but where would it eventually lead? I'm assuming full psychotic break! 

Socialism is only a few steps away from an Imperium, which in our planets case, might be the only way us super smart monkeys will ever solve any real problems or threats to the human race. Is this our future? All for one, and one for themselves?

I now remove my tinfoil hat and return to the reality that is. I hope you are all staying safe, washing hands and self isolating. I hope you and your loved ones come out if this without harm, and that everything returns to the mess it was, if only we could be a bit smarter for it.

Much love,


Wednesday, March 11, 2020

I was told

If you're going to say I told you so, now's the time...

I miss being happy. I mean, really miss it. I have good days and I have bad days, like the rest of the world, but it just seems to be surface emotions day to day. At night, when I am alone, when the glitter and sparkle of my happy go lucky attitude slips away, that's when I'm left with what it was covering. Again, probably everyone feels this way from time to time, but the truth of it is, I never used to be like this. There were moments, real times in my life, when I was genuinely happy. As I wrote before, we have to learn how to be happy with ourselves, because that is who we spend the most time with. This is where I stumble, where the confusion really takes over, because in general I am happy with myself. I'm proud of my accomplishments and with where I've come from and where I'm going. As with all of us, things could be better as they sure as hell could be worse. So, is this what happy is supposed to be? Content with not being worse?

I've been told many times in my life that I am a codependent individual, with underlying issues around trust and abandonment and so - it makes sense that I have issues being alone. With my past it makes sense, but as I delve deeper into my own issues, read a few things, talk to some people, I've realized that I am truly happy when I have found love, acceptance and the feeling of being needed. Not the kind of "needed" like "fix my car, are you good with painting, I need help moving". I mean, I don't mind helping with that stuff, but being loved and needed by my friends is not the same as being loved and needed by a partner. It's this solid realization that has caused me to reflect and analyze my past relationships. It's in this analytical state that I've come to understand what really makes me feel whole.

With the above information in hand, let me first start by saying I have NEVER stayed in a relationship out of fear of being alone, nor have I ever started a relationship because I didn't want to be alone any longer. In the few relationships I've had, there has been a constant moral code to which I've held strongly. I've never said I love you until I've meant it, and I've always strived to be as honest and forthcoming as I can - even if it hasn't been in my best interest. That being said, I have been a poor communicator in the past, and perhaps still currently, but I am working on it. 

When I think back to the key moments of the best memories, look at some photos, reflect on the truly life changing events that made each moment more amazing then the last, the resounding message I get is the same. So go ahead, say it...

Thursday, January 30, 2020

Anxiety Pie

The anxiety is real, palpable. I can feel it, taste it, and it stares back at me in the mirror - when I'm brave enough to look. It has me, there is no escaping it. It's been there for so long I don't think i could imagine life without it. I've learned to hide it, cover it, bury it, and deny it, and drown it - even going as far as embracing it, just to find a way to cope. Truth is I've been on the cusp of survival for so long I think I've actually forgotten how to live.

Today while sharing my current mental state I heard some words that really seemed to reach me to the core. Not therapy - I've tried that, but my kind of therapy. Friends. Real friends. The type of friends that tell you what they think, but recognize they aren't necessarily right, any more than I am. The people in your life that mean more. You know what I'm talking about. THE friends you wouldn't and most likely couldn't replace. Most of us have one or two, maybe if you're really lucky you have more than that. My point is, these are the friends you really want to talk to when shit is shit. When, regardless of the weather, it's a fucking storm out there... Or in here, if you catch my meaning.

The words! It seems overly easy to get distracted from getting to my point here, probably the anxiety attached to the statement, and the resulting affects there in...

"Genuine happiness will only come from within. You can change jobs, locations, lifestyles, lovers, anything you want. After the newness of the event wears away, you'll still be left with you. So make sure you know how to be happy. Don't assume that just happens or you know how to be happy. Realize it's something you have to work at, something you have to learn to do. And for the record, i still don't know what that looks like or how to do it, it's a developing skill that I've still yet to master."

(there is some paraphrasing here - and it's a combination of a few different conversations, but this was the overwhelming message).

HUGE statement, right!? I mean, solid ground breaking comments ( I mean for me anyway) followed up by, "good fucking luck"!

So as my day progressed and i was continually thinking on the conversations that started my day, I began to reflect. As like most things, we start to look for blame or error, tied to a specific event, that got you to where you currently are. That one or two solid turning points that pinpoint the exact moment shit went for shit. Then the real answer hit me like shovel to the face. My entire life has been a struggle, and those who know - know. I don't need to share the details because lets face it, we've all been through hell in our own ways. When i started to look at my "happy times" i realized they've all been sliced up by periods of shit throughout my life. The more i reflected, the more I realized my entire life could be broken down into a pie chart, and hey - who doesn't like pie?! Anyway, i think I've figured it out. Not how to be happy, and not how to make this anxiety go away, but figured out WHAT the key to happiness is... Ready?

If you chop your memories up into slices in a pie, then make each slice the proportional size of the duration of each event of happiness and misery, the whole goal is to have your pie be more good memories than bad. More good people in your life than not. More love, less hate. Simple right?

My take away here - for me, has 2 parts. Firstly i need to learn how to create good, happy memories without others being present. That, truly is a tough one. I'll let you know the moment I figure it out. The second is to surround myself with people that make me smile, make me happy, make me laugh. Enjoy the people that really do enrich and support me. That last sentence is key; regardless of who talks the most to you, who gives the most or perceived best advice, it's only the ones that truly care about how you cope, sleep, live, love and languish that matter. A quick side note; not all your close friends are the friends you think they are. Like any symbiotic relationship, they take as much as they give, if not sometimes more. Just be careful when digesting advise, and recognize how perhaps their advice might actually benefit them, after all self servitude is part of the above advice.

So, while I learn to live in my own skin, I will endevor to find some answers to my above noted questions and comments. Again, all this "realization" might not mean shit, nor does it guarantee I'll learn how to sleep the night through alone, but I still remain ever hopeful that at some point in my future, anxiety and I will part ways - if not forever, then at least for a period of time or two, now and again.


Friday, March 15, 2019

Years apart... Sorry dad.

Years apart... Seems suiting enough. I used to blog about what grinds my gears, then overtime I  started to write about what ails my heart. Shortly there after it became some muddied waters about cryptic shit that only my drunk self could possibly unwind. So here we are now... I'm drunk, so - lots has changed...

what can I say, I've had too much beer, wine, and two shots of wtf - lets just agree my judgement isn't the best tonight...

 I miss love ….What's new, right? Well, what can I say - having it isn't the same as losing it. At least every moment of it was real... Regrets... I've got bunches - but the biggest still haunts me - and will forever probably... But on the bright side - seems to be working out for the other party involved so - I should be happy for them in the end, right?

Moving on... WTF is with the whole politically correct "people" of our world? I mean seriously my own kid said "trades people" today... ugh... Get the fuck over yourself you sensitive mother fuckers! Seriously though, how is it 80 years ago young men were throwing themselves to the fray on some bs beach for freedom, and today safe places are required just to get through the week... Honestly, my own father (if he were alive) would be kicking the shit out of me just for sharing this much publicly... We should all be ashamed.

Government leaders: WTF ARE YOU THINKING? uh duh?! That's all I'm saying.

I know super vague... Eat it.

moving on with Vague;

  • I'm sorry
  • I wish I could turn back the clock (everyone)
  • you deserved better (in the end)
  • I was fucking great to you!
  • I've never betrayed you
  • if I could, I would (turn back time - cue Tina Turner.. That was her song, right?)
  • I won't apologize for being honest
  • You know I'm the win
  • Shamrock shakes - still a family favorite
  • brie
  • dice
  • paper straws suck
I did say Vague.

I guess the takeaway here is; I'm writing because I need to. I'm drunk. I'm sorry, and I miss you... And it's St.Patrick's day soon... And I'm not a fan of current world leaders - do better when you vote people. Millennial "what about me" mentality is shit!... Oh, and I'm still cryptic and stuff... Sorry, dad.