I don't know

No idea, nada, zilch. Something is wrong, somewhere, somehow, but like fuck i can put my finger on it. Its pissing me off to no end. Is it me? Is it my social life? Is it my station in life?Is it work? Am i tired of eating a shit sandwich... See right off the bat its BS. I don't eat a shit sandwich at work, its just work. just because I'm in a funk doesn't make it shit. Its an ok job, we've been through this. So what the fuck? Why o why is everything so shitty for me right now? Its like i can't find whatever it is i need to satiate my need for something more, different, something... I haven't seen the gym in over 3 weeks now, and haven't run in almost two, I'm eating because I'm bored, and can't sleep because something is picking at me. I'm tired all day from not sleeping, eating too much, and not exercising, and the whole fucking mess exists because there is something under my skin that is creating this whole shit show... But what?
I get pissed at the slightest little things right now, and the big things that i should be upset about, well i blow those so fucking out of proportion its ridiculous.  Maybe its just worse today than most days, but for some reason today seems to be the boiling point. Why should BS comments of Facebook set me off? Why is it that when i see particular people post stuff it makes me want to reach through the screen and smash them in the face? They didn't say anything to me or about me, but still there it is. Im fucking mad, frustrated, bored, pent up and just plain fucky.
Its been this way for awhile - actually longer then i'd like to admit. It hasn't been bad or really "front and centre", until this week, and truly today is the worst. Why can't i sort it out? Life isn't bad! I have a beautiful girlfriend, great kids, a business that isn't closing anytime soon, and a job that pays my mortgage. My friends are incredible and my health has been good (mental condition excluded). So what the fuck?
I know some of you will definitely think my OCD is running away here, but there is a billion little things in my world that i want to do - that i just haven't  done, and maybe that's the problem. there's just too much "stuff" left undone, that its surmounting in my head.  I want to clean my BBQ, i want to fix some dents in my walls. I want to paint my place, and i need to have my carpets re-kicked in (Ya that's right - new carpets 2 years ago and now they're getting "lumpy"), new light fixtures i bought 3 years ago still not installed, re-calking the shower, fixing the bathroom screen, or the burnt out bulb in the garage and outside the garage. The list just seems endless and getting bigger every day, but still i do my thing day in day out - and never get to any of it. Fuck! Never mind cleaning - i mean i keep my place clean, but i haven't washed walls, or polished fixtures or dusted in what feels like forever. I know its everyone's bitch - we all have the same problems, i guess i just can't handle mine. I feel kind of overwhelmed by having so much to do and never getting any of it done. And to be truthful i think my Ex's are haunting me way to hard these past months. NO its not what you think. My ex wife is apparently rolling in cash - no doubt growing pot - and it pisses me off. Not that i don't wish her well, or that i want her to have financial hardship - because i don't. I just don't think she deserves the easy ride. Its been her whole life - and well, i guess im jealous. And then there's the past girl friends - and NO again, im not crying at night and listening to Roy Orbison thinking of them. It's more like i find myself thinking about the "design" aspect of my past relationships. What was it that brought us together, what the fuck did i do to tear us apart? Will i continue being a fucking idiot? Was it me, both of us, or was it her? All the same regret BS that people think about. Why? Is there unfinished issues there as well? Are there things left undone that i need to do to let it rest in my head? Is it one more thing around my life i've been meaning to get to, that just never gets done?

Well thats that. I just spend the past 13 minutes pissing and moaning about so much trivial bullshit that i think i might just go kick myself in the ass and take a "harden the fuck up" pill. I don't know why i even blogged this BS, aside from the fact that now its out and i feel like i can breath. Just reading it over makes me want to retype the whole thing in "frustrated" font. I feel stupid and ashamed. 
Seriously, WTF is my problem?

Post Haste er, I mean Post Race

OK, so i did it. One race down, one to go. That's right, not sure if i mentioned it in previous posts, but I've decided two is all I'm going to do this  year. All this training just doesn't make Summer look like fun, so after the Tough Mudder in June, its all about beach Frisbee and fun. I'll still run, but not 15km a day kinda crap, and the gym will continue, but i really don't need the 5 day a week running schedule with gym work, kids, friends etc... Just all to much.

SO YA finished my first 1/2 Marathon with a time of 1:50:37!! Ya under 2 hours - which was my goal, and i set a personal best for the 10km mark - 48:22. All very exciting to me. 

Other things... I work too much. ya, i know we all do, but seriously i feel like its all i do these days. And when i get some time off, i try and do everything - because i don't do anything while im working, so when im done with time off im even more tired then when i needed the time off... Definitely a dilemma. When i will the lottery, im going to spend weeks sitting still - or at least try. :) FOOD! Food is killing me, or rather im using it to kill what could be the best chance at a flat stomach ever! I was in the locker room after hockey, and a team member says to me "dude, with all the running, sports, and gym time, how are you not in crazy awesome shape?" My response? Because i like food too much... But as i reflect on his words it definitely pointed things out to me. I burned 2200 calories in less than two hours during my marathon, and burn almost a 1000 playing hockey for two hours, how can i be eating more calories than im burning? Clearly its a food quality issue. As always, i will endeavor to improve that area, and most likely fail horribly at it. But at least some thought before i eat might help somewhere... Or not. Ruts... I hate them. Complacency is killing me. Bored, so fucking bored. I realize now that one of the reasons i do so many things is because i can't do one thing for too long. Jobs, i get good at them fast, perfect them (in my opinion), build procedures and guidelines so that whoever comes along can do relatively well in my absence - all because subconsciously i am planning my absence. I love my company, and want it to succeed. But after a few years i get lazy, i allow it to just "flow" and by the time i look back, i realize i left it to waffle in the wind. So now i double my efforts and without even noticing, im once again working more and more (see above). So anyway, now i look at my day job... Been there a year, like it, its ok money... And im losing my mind. I hate the same thing day in and day out. I feel like the second i get there in the morning im looking for a reason to leave. Maybe thats why i made a good outside salesman? When a job is challenging, when its difficult, stressful, demanding, plain frustrating and even miserable - i thrive! Its like all the extra crap keeps me engaged! But take away all the difficult stuff and put me on easy street - and i get complacent, lazy and downright bored. And one other thing about jobs/work... I don't need a pat on the back to say "good job". I don't really even want the recognition of being the "go to guy", or the favorite employee. As a matter of fact, i like being the guy in the shadows, who just gets it done, no stops, full goose no guvnor. But what i do need - what is the best way to keep me out of a rut? Pay me! Thats right, just like most people i really think i should be paid what i am worth. And i can say with some semblance of self pride - im worth a fuck of a lot! There is no more loyal employee than me. Give to me and I give back. I can't be swayed, i can't be shaken, i will defend my employer and do their bidding to almost every level. And  yet still, i find that my current employer knows it, takes advantage of that loyalty, knowing all the while they are getting a great deal on the financial end of the partnership.  Where am i going with this? No idea - maybe im thinking about getting a new job? Well im not looking, but if something fell on my lap, well... One thing i know for sure. I do not "negotiate" with employers. When i get an offer, and if its a good offer, i give my notice. I don't go and say  hey, i got offered a job, would you consider matching their offer? That door was closed long ago. If an employer feels that im worth the money, and just was being cheap, well good for them. Why is it that all of a sudden im worth more now, but when i wasn't offered a job, it was a fair wage? I have NEVER been offered a job, and used it as leverage to just get a better wage in my current job. If i have taken the time to discuss a new position, and actually considered leaving the job im in, its done. There is no going back and saying hey, sorry but my current employer matched your offer, so i can't go. As a matter of fact, i've actually turned down offers for more money from a current employer purely on principal. You had the opportunity to pay me well ,and you saved some cash - good for you... I hope you can replace me for even less money - good hunting!

Anyway, got a little lost on that tangent, just feeling kinda down and warn out and under appreciated, under paid, and tired... Maybe its time for a "staycation". Anyway, back to work, Later

Religious, running

And hello again! Sorry for the gap of time between blogs (have you noticed I'm always apologizing for not writing often?) I just realized every time i post its like I'm sorry i kept you waiting... Well damn it, too bad I'm busy you know?!
 With what you ask? I know you didn't ask, but if you did, this is what I'd say. I'm busy running, in the gym, playing hockey, and football. Never mind working the two jobs, 6 days a week, as well as trying to just have some time to myself. Oh right, and the kids - not like i can forget them or anything. Although, both boys and i have alternate plans for each others bedrooms if something "horrible" was to befall one of us... One boys room would be a gym room, the others the "media" room... I'm not quite sure what they'll do with my room if i were to have an "accident", but I'm almost certain i wouldn't like it. Sorry lost track for a sec... Ya pretty busy these first months of the year, and although its almost to much, i must say i really am enjoying myself. Three more weeks then the first race is in. The run for water should be a great warm up to the Tough Mudder and im actually a tad excited to run it. Lots of training, i can't wait to see how it works out.

So yes i know what you're thinking... The title of this blog should read "Running Religiously", not "Religious, Running". But hold on a second, this title is two topics, not one. Yep im running, upwards of almost 40km a week, and some runs over 18km a go! Nuff said, running running and more running.
 Now to the religious part. Recently, well in the past few months or so, a friend of mine (god i hope she wont be pissed in me mentioning this, no pun intended), read a great article on compartmentalization and how it relates to religion and non religious people. It is well written and really does do an excellent job at describing how the human mind can pick and choose its own reality, as well as how an argument going one direction or another is really never going to get any results. I will include the link now, but be warned - if you are at all intelligent there is a GOOD chance this might change your views on things. Its a longish read, but i highly suggest that it is time well spent.

 http://freethought.mbdojo.com/rationalthinkingmadeeasy.html

Anyway, after reading this article my friend "again, please don't be pissed", put some serious inward thinking in place, and decided to forgo religion. Now i know what all the religious people are saying right now... "Oh your friend doesn't have strong faith", or "clearly they were not believers to begin with", or any such other drivel that could be spewed at first thought... BUT i ask you this, maybe its none of those things? Maybe its actually common fucking sense. Maybe, just maybe, there is actually intelligence taking over where ignorance has ruled this planet for centuries? Just a thought... Maybe this video might explain things?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeSSwKffj9o&sns=fb

Right? He's got a point, or 4! OK so by now if you're religious you hate me, and believe me to be ignorant, damned, or a tool of the devil, or some other bs crap. The reality of this is clear - read the first link i posted in this blog. You cannot, and will never, ever convince me until you can provide proof. NOT "I just know", or " you have to believe", or "open your heart", etc etc etc... Seriously, READ the article again...
Why am i bringing this up now? Well I'll tell you... For the past few months i have been running, and running... And running. Sundays i run the farthest - and every Sunday i am tripping over "god folk" all day. They are door to door, they are parking all over the f'n streets. They think its ok to actually block off sections of public roads for their own necessities. They pull in and out of parking lots filled with GODS WORD, but can't remember the words of their driving teachers! I've almost been run over 5 times running past the driveway of a church! Then while im stretching, cooling down or just trying to relax after my Sunday run, they come to my door, and try and help me with some pamphlets, and magazines, that surely will change my mind if i just consider the written words...AHHHHHHH...   So ya, i guess they really have gotten under my skin. 

So there you have it - im done. Not a great lesson in the end, not some awe inspiring point of view from any of this. If you can take anything from this blog post its this... If one devout Christian can read one article - use their intellect and decide to walk away from religion, then perhaps if ALL of my massive reading followers shared this same link, then maybe perhaps we could sway a few others into intelligent rational thinking, and then they would, and so on and so on... Not quite door to door method like my religious counterparts do, but still spreading the word. Right?

Cory

Half way there

Well, its been 8 weeks (almost 2 months) of training and i must say, i am tired. I am doing my absolute best to keep on track (lol - get it? On track? Ahhh ya...) Anyway, running is going good, and is about to hit an all time milestone for me. As of this next upcoming Sunday i am about to run further than i have ever run before. My weekly "long run" will exceed 10km and move up to 12km, and its a big deal! I mean i have run more i suppose while in the service, i guess, but we never tracked it and counted it like i am now, so i can't be certain. And this is just the tip of the iceberg! From this point forward it goes up by 2km increments until i get 20km!!! That's right people, by week 16 i will be running 20km at one go, and apparently conditioned enough to survive it! Crazy right? Ya im at a bit of a loss as well; who in the hell does this sort of thing? Why ever would i be ok with the idea that a 20km run was a good thing, never mind look forward to it. Although i must say it does scare me a bit, but ya, 20km runs... Just mind boggling.
Ya, so tired... Really tired. Then there is my crazy Sunday's - they are not helping. Run a long run Sunday morning - all good. But then go play football for an hour and a half? Then off to hockey for 2 hours? Stupid stupid stupid... Every Monday (well for the last 2 anyway), i have been sore, crippled, tired, beaten up, and just all and all a mess. BUT - i can say i feel great for accomplishing so much in one day. But as i look forward i must admit my days of doing 3 sports in one day are coming to an end. There is no way i can survive this later in my training schedule especially when im working up to 20km runs. So hockey will have to remain on Wednesday nights only, and running and football will have to co-exist with each other on Sundays. That's going to be the best i can do i think. Don't even get me started with my not so regular gym workout schedule. Lets just say that what was once 6 days a week is a real success if i see 4 days a week now. So depressing... Now to address my last blog closing statement:
DIET - the other 4 letter word.  Not to be confused with starving myself, or following some crazy points system or any other kind of junk, but diet as in the food choices i have been making. I swear the more i do the hungrier i get, and damn if could just say no to food at 9pm! I love chips, i love chocolate, and sour candy is a definite "must have" for junk food movie night with the boys. I would probably be down 20lbs by now if i could just steer clear of that crap, but with the boys home all the time, its a real tough one to leave out of the house. I eat TONS of vegetables, lots of lean meats, smart carbs galore, but there is no denying my desire for bad carbs and sweets. Don't get me wrong, my weight is definitely not going up, but its not necessarily going down either. And it's not like im doing this as a weight loss plan, but it should be a nice side effect. Instead i have seen the scale slowly, and i mean very slowly, drop a pound or two at best. There is a VERY good chance i've lost more body fat than a pound or two, and my weight loss is slowed by muscle gain, but since i didn't take per-measurements like i usually would have its impossible for me to tell really. Clothes still fit, if not even a little better (looser where they should be, and tighter where i want them to be), but it would be nice to know for sure what my body is doing and where. Oh well, not something i can dwell on now. But as of this week things are changing, i intend to start making better food choices, skip the evening snacks and see what i can accomplish to close of the month of March. It has become painfully evident to me that if i do not drop some excess weight before the Tough Mudder, the tougher it will be to pull it off! When running and maneuvering obstacles there are 3 major enemies; Fatigue, yourself, and your body. You must have the endurance to complete - that is what the training is for, you must have the mind set you can do it - mind over matter, and finally you have to fight the physical you. You are at a constant struggle with gravity and your resistance to it. The less you weigh and the stronger you are make it that much easier to complete an obstacle or finish the race. So, with some tighter rules and better food choices, it should really make a difference (im hoping). 
Anyway thats about it today. Working hard, playing hard, and eating poor - at least until today. Hopefully my next post will highlight my success with the fork. 
 

Seriously, WTF am i thinking?

Salutations!!! Yet again its time to blog. I have so much on my mind i think its time i get a bit out before a serious pinata style headache takes hold. 
 First off, little dogs... Yep, that's right I'm throwing down here. I have friends with little dogs, i have friends who have friends with little dogs, my point being - i am not biased. I like Brock-Lee, I really do. BUT... Why do small dog owners feel its OK to bring their dog with them into stores, work, and even friends houses without some sort of prior consent? I mean seriously, if i took a Great Dane to Starbucks with me, or into the mall, or hell, over to a friends house, people would lose their shit! But because your dog is the size of a rodent, it's OK? Well then, how about people with pet rats, gerbils, ferrets, and the like? Is it ok that they have a rat in their purse at the grocery store or in the mall? I ask you, small dog owner, would you be ok with your friend coming over for coffee, and just letting his pet rat run freely through your home? Probably not. Now lets also consider the man with small dogs... Great, you feel comfortable enough with your masculinity that owning a small dog has no effect on you. Good, all men should be comfortable with themselves, in any environment - even if it's less than masculine. BUT, why is there so many male senior citizens with small dogs? I'll tell you why - years of being pussy whipped by their wives. It's not their dog, it's their wives dog. But like any human, the more you spend time with ANY animal, the more you grow to love it. SO you end up with old guy, with two teacup poodles walking them and picking up their shit, while the real boss sits in the truck and waits for the work to be done. SERIOUSLY - take the wife out of the picture, and those dogs would never have made it through the front door - and you all know it! Ok I'm done with this topic.
Moving along... I'm busy, and i mean really busy. I shared my schedule with my employer yesterday, and she quite honestly looked at me like i grew an extra limb while we were talking. So, when i got to the gym last night, i took a few minutes between sets to write down all the things i have to do today, and every day, and took real stock of my life... I will share with you now my day(s). Oh and i know, we are all very busy, so don't think this is a "my life is way busier than yours" thing, ok? It's just stupid on what i am fitting into days lately. Ok, so... Get up, get out the door - we can all understand what we do in the morning to get out of the house so no need for details here. If it weren't for my girlfriend lately i would add get two kids ready and out the door as well. Then work all day - same as you, each of us has different work loads, but a job is a job. And yes i know, shoveling gravel all day or roofing is harder on the body than sitting in an office, but lets just call a job a job, ok? (And for the record my day job is VERY physical 7 out of 10 days). Days over, go home, make dinner, then to the gym, go for a run, come home. Make lunches (again easier lately as my girlfriend has been a tremendous help), clean up. Somewhere in there i get about 2 hours downtime to hang with the kids - awesome right? ya i know, but its all i can spare them these days. And repeat - 6 days a week. Yep, 40+ out of 52 weeks a year i work 6 days a week. NOW this is where the WTF am i thinking portion of this blog comes from. My typical schedule, plus stuff i didn't list like grocery shopping, house cleaning, book keeping for my business and business association, etc etc etc, i sign up for a Sunday football league as well. Not a big deal right? Well with my current training schedule, that means i have to do my long run - which will be in excess of 12km before the end of March, then play football for an afternoon... OK, totally doable, if not a bit exhausting. So what genius thing do i do next? I sign up for a mens roller hockey league on Wednesday nights!! So ya, i run 5 days a week, work out 6 days a week, play football, now hockey, and i haven't even touched on things i should be doing... My boys and i ride every summer motor-cross. Then there is sports - as in my boys will also be in something this year. And how about home improvement?! I seriously need to paint my new place (2 years old now), and have so much organizing and cleaning to do i just might have to take a day or two off of my job just to get it done before spring cleanup is finished. And finally lets not forget my friends... I love them. They are all of my life - without them i would be lost, broken, and have no family. I could not go through life without there support, laughs, and friendship... WHEN DO I GET TO SEE THEM! So ya, WTF is wrong with me? Why do i feel the need to do all of this, all at once??


Anyway, clearly i have a few spare moments here and there - otherwise i wouldn't have time to blog. Truthfully, i wrote most of this last night around 3am - did i mention I'm not a good sleeper? Anyway, a quick 15 minutes at work and i was able finish and publish this. Clearly some proof reading is in order, but maybe i will edit this another time - time permitting of course. 


And now to the training portion of my blog... I ran yesterday, gonna run today. Prolly run tomorrow too. Still no fuel band - not available yet. New shoes are good (had them a year now, just started using them Sunday). that is all. Oh totally forgot - remind me next blog to discuss my "menu"...


C