Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I don't know

No idea, nada, zilch. Something is wrong, somewhere, somehow, but like fuck i can put my finger on it. Its pissing me off to no end. Is it me? Is it my social life? Is it my station in life?Is it work? Am i tired of eating a shit sandwich... See right off the bat its BS. I don't eat a shit sandwich at work, its just work. just because I'm in a funk doesn't make it shit. Its an ok job, we've been through this. So what the fuck? Why o why is everything so shitty for me right now? Its like i can't find whatever it is i need to satiate my need for something more, different, something... I haven't seen the gym in over 3 weeks now, and haven't run in almost two, I'm eating because I'm bored, and can't sleep because something is picking at me. I'm tired all day from not sleeping, eating too much, and not exercising, and the whole fucking mess exists because there is something under my skin that is creating this whole shit show... But what?
I get pissed at the slightest little things right now, and the big things that i should be upset about, well i blow those so fucking out of proportion its ridiculous.  Maybe its just worse today than most days, but for some reason today seems to be the boiling point. Why should BS comments of Facebook set me off? Why is it that when i see particular people post stuff it makes me want to reach through the screen and smash them in the face? They didn't say anything to me or about me, but still there it is. Im fucking mad, frustrated, bored, pent up and just plain fucky.
Its been this way for awhile - actually longer then i'd like to admit. It hasn't been bad or really "front and centre", until this week, and truly today is the worst. Why can't i sort it out? Life isn't bad! I have a beautiful girlfriend, great kids, a business that isn't closing anytime soon, and a job that pays my mortgage. My friends are incredible and my health has been good (mental condition excluded). So what the fuck?
I know some of you will definitely think my OCD is running away here, but there is a billion little things in my world that i want to do - that i just haven't  done, and maybe that's the problem. there's just too much "stuff" left undone, that its surmounting in my head.  I want to clean my BBQ, i want to fix some dents in my walls. I want to paint my place, and i need to have my carpets re-kicked in (Ya that's right - new carpets 2 years ago and now they're getting "lumpy"), new light fixtures i bought 3 years ago still not installed, re-calking the shower, fixing the bathroom screen, or the burnt out bulb in the garage and outside the garage. The list just seems endless and getting bigger every day, but still i do my thing day in day out - and never get to any of it. Fuck! Never mind cleaning - i mean i keep my place clean, but i haven't washed walls, or polished fixtures or dusted in what feels like forever. I know its everyone's bitch - we all have the same problems, i guess i just can't handle mine. I feel kind of overwhelmed by having so much to do and never getting any of it done. And to be truthful i think my Ex's are haunting me way to hard these past months. NO its not what you think. My ex wife is apparently rolling in cash - no doubt growing pot - and it pisses me off. Not that i don't wish her well, or that i want her to have financial hardship - because i don't. I just don't think she deserves the easy ride. Its been her whole life - and well, i guess im jealous. And then there's the past girl friends - and NO again, im not crying at night and listening to Roy Orbison thinking of them. It's more like i find myself thinking about the "design" aspect of my past relationships. What was it that brought us together, what the fuck did i do to tear us apart? Will i continue being a fucking idiot? Was it me, both of us, or was it her? All the same regret BS that people think about. Why? Is there unfinished issues there as well? Are there things left undone that i need to do to let it rest in my head? Is it one more thing around my life i've been meaning to get to, that just never gets done?

Well thats that. I just spend the past 13 minutes pissing and moaning about so much trivial bullshit that i think i might just go kick myself in the ass and take a "harden the fuck up" pill. I don't know why i even blogged this BS, aside from the fact that now its out and i feel like i can breath. Just reading it over makes me want to retype the whole thing in "frustrated" font. I feel stupid and ashamed. 
Seriously, WTF is my problem?


Tammy said...

Holy crap! That's a lot of stuff percolating in your brain. I think you could at least knock out some of those nagging household things in one weekend. I bet if you bribed a few friends with beer and beef, you could even have many hands make it lighter work. :-)

As for the other stuff...I really think you should see a councellor. If nothing else, maybe they could help you dig out some of the stuff that's really bothering you about your life. If only you had the time, right?