BLOGGER TEMPLATES AND TWITTER BACKGROUNDS

Friday, March 31, 2017

What am I waiting for?

So is it fair to say that turn around is fair play? No, I don't think that's what I meant... How about what goes around comes around... Yeah that's closer to the mark. Why is it always when you want something the most it's least likely to happen, but when others want it for you, you're more likely to miss the opportunity? I don't really have it in me to use some cryptic euphemism or witty comparison to spell it out tonight. I don't really feel like it either, other than to say that I'm feeling like I missed the boat. That my lack of vision or inability to articulate my needs and wants has once again placed me here. It's beyond sad really, and I don't really know how to deal with it. In one hand I can do nothing, and let time go by and see where I end up. In the other I can force it, and who knows; It might work out, it might fall completely apart and leave me worse off then the way I feel now. I guess in either event I am still the master of my own demise - it's just how it comes about I will have control of... Assuming crushing failure falls on either decision that is... 

I have never been one to just accept my fate, but inevitably it seems all the drama in my life usually is brought on by my own choices, or lack of them. Inspiration or desperation, either way change will be upon all of us in time, I suppose. So why is it when I'm inspired I can't force the change, but when I'm desperate change can't happen fast enough? Again, going nowhere here...

Perhaps I'm a coward? Wouldn't be the first time I've been called one, wouldn't be the first time I've thought it myself.  My lack of courage lies in different scenarios  than what most would think. I know I do not fear violence, pain, injury, maybe not even death. Heights aren't a killer nor is speed, the dark, or closed spaces. Not even spiders...BUT I do have fears... I'm ridiculously afraid of shark attack, which considering I'm in the ocean maybe 5 days out of 365 makes it so unlikely, but yet it's still there. I'm no fan of scary movies either, but I've been known to be coerced into seeing a few - still afraid though. No, my lack of courage, my real fear lies in something far more terrifying, far more sinister... I'm afraid of being vulnerable. What makes this fear so entirely crushing? I am vulnerable. I am and have been for a very long time. It is paralyzing. I am completely frozen, unmoving, unblinking, like a dear in headlights. I find myself once again completely exposed and at the mercy of another, and I'm afraid. Afraid if I do nothing things will not go the way I want them to. Afraid if I force what I want I will push away the entire opportunity. Completely terrified that I've already done that and once again my boat has sailed...

I do know this. Change is upon me. It has to be, as I know I can't continue much longer like this. I want more, I deserve more, and I'm worth more. All I have to do is ask...

But then what happens?



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