Thank- you's and Facebookery

Recently i was reviewing my blog, going back and taking a read that has been my last year or so and i came to understand a few things that i might have missed if i were not documenting my "life thoughts" as i have. Firstly, and not to take away from anyone Else's life, but i have had some serious ups and downs the past few years! Secondly AND more importantly, i can't believe the quality of my friends; their support, thoughts, incite and love most certainly have been the "shelter" from the storm. Seriously, put your hands together and give it up for YOU's. You're amazing, you know it, so take the credit, have a smile and do a little happy dance, cause your mom would be so proud of you :) You've put up with my drama, my anger, my BS and my irrationality for so long, I'm surprised you're still my friend. Good thing I'm awesome or you would have bolted by now I'm sure. So ya, that's that. I said it, don't be going around all day with a smug look on your face like you've won something, or some shit. Just take the compliment, realize I'm not as big a prick as you thought, and move along. I won't acknowledge this in person, or for that matter even give you the satisfaction of a wink or a sly smile, so don't be disappointed when you don't get one. K? Alright then, moving along.

This morning i turned on the work PC and started my day like any other, and was getting caught up on the weekends events via the Facebook. Its then when i stumbled on a post from a distant friend of a friend kinda person. Always funny posts, most entertaining, and i believe i met him once a long time ago. Great guy, if not a bit crazy, but cool none the less. He was lamenting on his profile like his world had ended, all things were dead and he wanted to be too. I don't know him at all, but it seems he had a girl, and now she's gone - and he's crushed. I had the most upbeat start to my day, and by the time i finished reading his status i was crushed. His world touched mine, and for a moment i could totally relate to the pain he is going through. I don't know him, not well enough to offer a shoulder or some advice to help him through this horrible time. But i was still crushed by his pain, and felt the most deepest sympathy i think i ever could for a "sort of" stranger.  And as his real friends commented on his situation i began to understand exactly what Facebook is to us and what we really do use it for. As his friends supported him, chastised him and told him he'd be OK, or to suck it up and move on it really sent the message home. Facebook is that tight group of friends from high school, the one or two or five people you hung around all the time. They took you as they saw you, and gave you what you needed when you needed it. They didn't have to agree, they didn't have to feel bad for you, they just had to be there for you. They just listened, maybe gave some advice or kicked you in the ass when you needed it, but there they were. And really that's what Facebook is today. Its that window into your friends lives, and yours just on a grander scale. It lets you see what your friends are up to, what's new, whats good, whats bad, whats what. And we as social creatures want and need that. And because we are all closet social butterfly's, its the easiest way to be there, and do everything without having to commit to being there. And i know, some people are like "why do they carry on like that on facebook? Why do they have to share their every waking moment"? But the real question is, why did you take the time to read it, and why didn't you just block the feed if you get tired of their shit? BECAUSE you want to read it. As much BS as it is you really want to know whats going on EVERYWHERE. If you didn't, if you really just wanted to be in the dark you'd have deleted your facebook account long ago. So stop pissing and moaning about how this guy or that girl go on about everything. Be happy they said yes to your friend invite, and be happy that its not you suffering like they currently might be.

What was my point here?... ... ... Not sure. Guess i was just saying thanks to my great friends, and thanks to everyone that put up with my shit on the Facebook, and ya... Sorry you're dying "Facebook friend", if there is anything i can do, or the mass 342 friends on your list can do, I'm sure if you ask we'll be there - even if you don't like what we say, or we don't like what you say, we'll be there.

Ya...

Hail the Underdog

Everyone likes the underdog. People cheer for them, they pitty them, they have simpathy for the underdogs cause. They go as far as possible  for them, like its some sort of crusade they are forced to march on. But when does the underdog take it to far. When does he lose the support of all his "fans", how much is too much and how far does the underdog have to go before he loses the masses.
Consider this scenario; Man loses his son to abduction, months later his wife kills herself out of grief.  Soon after he becomes a spokesperson for suicide, and becomes a crusader himself, for lost or missing children. THE WHOLE COUNTRY rallies behind his cause. Why? He's not any different from you or I? He had a family, a regular job, basic necessities like the rest of us. Why do we follow him, why do we "pray" for him? Why do we hang on his words of wisdom and rally to his call? Because, we can relate to his pain. We can imagine the terror, the hurt, the loss. And we put ourselves into his shoes, and try and imagine the terror that is his life. So, through deflection we take his pain, make it ours, and defend all that he does in the name of despair.
Now how about this scenario; Boy grows up in a poor neighborhood. Family is hungry, and the neighborhood is dangerous. He goes to school, works hard to learn so he can help get his family out of this "mess" that is their lives. He graduates, goes to a good school - parents all but starve to get him there, but they insist he goes. He becomes educated, a scholar, and returns home. A few years later, his family is better off, he has a good job -  life it seems is finally giving its just rewards... And then one random night, without warning, there is a shooting in his neighborhood and a stray bullet or two make it through his window and kill his parents. He becomes infuriated, mad at life and its cruelty. Are you on his side yet? Has he suffered enough that if his story is told  you'd feel sorry for him?  Anyway, here he is, grew up poor, parents gave everything for him, and in the end, they die for their efforts and once again he is alone and scared... But angry. So very angry... Still the underdog, still had all the shit a person can stand, and still less fortunate than ourselves. So with nothing left to lose, nothing more "god" can take away, he turns to whomever offers solace, comfort to the wary, and sells promises of a better life. He's been saved! Or is it brainwashed? In interrogation they teach to break someone down, remove all that is dear to them, show them pain, suffering beyond imagine, and then in the end, offer safety, kindness, and mercy. It is at that point that the "programmers" can make that man do anything they want, because he is now broken and they will give him everything he needs to be whole again. Now this underdog has a "team" of people giving him love, and belonging... And all he has to do in return is abide by their rules, and when he's ready they will show him the true path to god and he will finally get all he desires (or has been made to believe he desires).  So when the day comes, he gladly puts on the vest of explosives, and incinerates himself in the centre of a busy street, to deliver all non believers to their fate!

Feel sorry for him still?

I know a long winded story, really dragged it out there, but i did it for effect. We all feel "sorry" for those who suffer and have been given the short end of the stick. We could all agree by the story, he was a smart educated individual. He had the same desires, loves, hates, and needs as most of us. So what ever would make him decide to completely ignore the common sense that would suggest blowing himself up wouldn't be a smart idea?

guerrilla warfare evolved out of necessity to combat an enemy that was superior in arms, numbers and organization. It has now become the backbone of military fighting as we know it. Is this what is happening now. Are we now evolving and going to war as our enemies? Why would some young man in Oslo feel it necessary to kill 95+ people in order to make a statement. Why did he use our enemies tactics to drive his point of view into the people rather than a more peaceful manor? We would say he's crazy, others would argue he was fighting a unseen war.

My heart felt sympathy to those who lost loved ones in Oslo. Lets hope they grieve for their loved ones and not "get saved".

The low down on whats what.

Well now, what have we here? That's right, another post! I know I know this could actually be habit forming. Three posts just a few weeks?! Well, i won't get carried away with promises, but i will say that for the time being i need this time to clear my head and debrief. I used to talk to, well, anyway i used to talk to debrief, but now this is what i have, so this is what I'll use.

First off lets start with the good news; It appears i have put a stop to the whole "moving" thing, although it was more of an agreement or understanding then an actual order to stop, but either way I'll take it. The boys are going to be staying here, at least until i hear about the RCMP, and if i don't get in, they will remain here. Good news for sure. Secondly, I've started another job. I know what you're thinking, but hear me out. VCAT is getting better, but its cash flow is horrible, and it has a long road ahead to make up the ground it lost during the start of the recession. So, by me working elsewhere, it doesn't have to pay me, and hopefully can make up some of its losses and get back in the black sooner rather than later. My new job is "production supervisor" for an animal feed flavoring business. Ya, totally obscure, most people don't even know that type of business existed, never mind being a thriving industry. Yep, don't know shit about it either, but there are a few things i do know. Pardon me while i toot my own horn but; I am an exceptional leader - hands on and sink or swim,  i learn as i go and inspire and motivate those around me. I am a very fast learner and with the exception of relationships, very rarely make the same mistakes twice. I am a king of efficiency, and don't take lightly my responsibilities. All in all what does this mean? It means i am a damn good manager, production supervisor, and slacker and disorganized employee nightmare. I WILL have success in what i do, and i WILL expect everyone under me to pull their own weight. I WILL expect ownership or those above me to do their part, and do not take excuses as answers - from either party. I have always managed a company as if it were mine, and am fiercely loyal to those who trust me enough to give me the job. SO, in essence i am the best damn manager an employer can have! (Ya i know, but if I'm going to brag, i might as well go the distance. I'm also not a bad cook, pretty funny, and kind of good looking - as long as I'm in the target area of vanity.) LOL

Bad news... Same old story.

And now, without further preamble... What in the hell is the problem with Canucks fans?! Seriously, how can you people go from "we're the best, we're taking the cup, we're unstoppable" to "Our goalie is a siv, they suck, we're doomed", etc etc etc. FUCK OFF already. One bad game does not a bad team make! We still lead the series, and it doesn't matter by how bad we lost one game, so long as we win the series, so get over it. If you're confidence and support is so shaky that you lose all hope after one loss, then to hell with you wagon riders anyway. Could you imagine how the players feel right now, like they need your BS to top off their own feelings. Fucking suck it up, talk about the good, and don't worry about the bad. Hell, even if we lose this cup run, we still broke so many records this year, it will be another 20 years before another team can do the same. Just be happy we went this far, and give the team your support. Like Thumpers dad said,"If you don't have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all".

Aaaannnd done.

Two Posts in a Row!!

Well here it is, the unthinkable! Two posts - back to back WTF? Well what can i say, my mind is busy, really busy, and honestly its not getting much better. So might as well get some stuff off of my mind.

Bad luck happens in 3's so they say, and im at number 2 now... 3 might just actually kill me. My last post, im sure if you know me at all, know what im talking about. What can i say - i want my life back. It was almost as perfect as it could be, and i haven't been that happy, and that in love forever... How i ever fucked that up is still not clear, but god damn what i wouldn't give...  Then last night, can you believe my ex is moving away with my kids??? Well actually trying to move away with my kids. I don't want to impede her future, honestly, i don't care - and if it works for her, good job. BUT i have no intention of watching my kids move 4 hours away because it better suits her. Now, her argument is that if im ever accepted by the RCMP i will be moving anyway, so it shouldn't matter. My counter point is, im not accepted yet, AND i would be leaving - not leaving and taking the kids. So... Can she wait till the RCMP says yes? Will she wait? Oh and what happens if they say no?? I can't see where this is going to get anywhere but ugly. Listen, if all the ducks line up, than great... I get the RCMP job, she moves, kids are as happy as they can be expected to be. Win - win for everyone. Ok i know the boys lose a bit, but honestly a few years with only long weekends or holidays with dad will suck, but in the end dad having a job that pays almost 100k a year with a pension and benefits, will serve them much better later in life... We would lose now for what we gain later. BUT that is all if everything goes right... Doubtful. The reality of this situation is undeniable; if she wants to move for better weather, cheaper cost of living, better job opportunities, then go... But leave the boys behind. Why should they move neighborhoods, schools, lose friends, and change everything in their lives, so that she can see if she can make a go of it somewhere else. I can't join the RCMP, move to Fort Nowhere, and expect that she would let me take the boys away, so why does she think  she can do it to me??

Ok so recap time... First and foremost, i need to see if im going to get in the RCMP - no point in fighting with my ex to not move the kids if im going. Secondly, no point in trying to figure out how to make things work with you know who, if im leaving anyway. BUT, if at this moment i was asked to choose, and i knew i could get her back, and keep my kids close, honestly i think i might decline the RCMP... Wow, that does say a lot doesn't it.

Well, there it is. A very simple answer to all that has pulled me down... Obviously love and my kids are more important to me than a career. I mean, yes a good career and both, perfect, but if i had to choose one or the other - right this second... I choose her, i choose happy vs successful.  I would rather have my family and life than money and future security.

Boy i can't believe how much i've changed in the past 2 years - business and financial success was my total focus... Now its secondary to me being happy, secure, and having my loved ones close.

What to do...

Well once again i've waited far too long to make a post, no doubt i've left all of you in the dark so long that no one is reading this anymore. So i will continue to write for my sake only,  and perhaps it will help me sort the chaos of late that is swimming in my brain.

Recently i did the stupidest thing ever... I threw away something that was absolutely incredible. Yep, the best thing to happen to me in the last 6 years or so, and i just wasted it away like it was nothing. Now, after i settled down, thought it out and really reviewed my situation, i realize a few key points that i might have over looked in my life. First off, when you find happiness, and i mean real happiness, don't take it for granted. I most certain did. Secondly, i never thought i would ever fight and struggle again for something that could be fleeting, up until i lost it, and now want nothing more than to have it back. I've also discovered that regardless of caution, care or concern for a situation like this, i can't help but fully invest myself into it - no longer do i think i will be able to sit on the sidelines and wait to see what happens if i just let it happen. I think i will continually be stepping back and looking in to see what things really are.  Not over analytical but just to create a reference point. I know, this is all very cryptic but as i said in the very beginning this blog is for my brain, and perhaps your amusement. I know what im talking about, sorry if you don't. And maybe the biggest lesson here, the most important thing that one has to remember, especially in this current situation, is; it is not possible to show someone something that they don't want to see. You can say what you want, you can sell it as hard as you can, but in the end if others don't feel the same, there's not much you can do. So my point here is, if its good - really good, don't fuck it up.

There are several points in my life, that if given the opportunity to go back and change things, like most, i certainly would. BUT, the hardships and trials that i've been through have led me to what i recently had,  and if i were to turn back the clock, i honestly think it would be only far enough back to stop me from making this mistake. Maybe one day this will be a Hollywood story, of something great that was lost, and came full circle to being found again, but in truth its more a hope than a reality.  Like Hollywood; great stories, great emotion, mostly fantasy...