... And go!

So again i've let this blog of mine lapse - too long since i've posted... Well i can say i've been pretty busy and just haven't found the time, but that's BS because everyone can find time, so im going to go with lazy and distracted. Anyway, time fly's by and and next thing you know it been like months instead of days or weeks. Sorry.

So topic of the day - racing. And not car racing, bike racing, motocross racing, drag racing or any other high speed attempt at death. Foot racing - as in i am running, er planning on running not one, not 2, but 3 half marathons this year. I know right - go big or  go home. Seriously, i don't know what the idea was, but it all started with the Warrior Dash. A short 5km race through Whistler mountain, with an obstacles and beer! Then i saw the Tough Mudder, and it looked as cool but longer and a bit tougher obstacles - but fun. Then i saw it was 21km long! Thus this begins my saga of running 3 half marathons. Here's the plan... I have to train for a half marathon (21km) because that is the distance of the race, but here's where my thinking takes a bit of an odd turn. How well will i do? How can i train for the one race, go all the way to Whistler, get there and discover im no where near ready to race 21km of obstacles in the mountains. I think i would rather die than give up and quit before the finish line. So what do i do? Well, how about run one half marathon first - exactly one month before, on flat ground, and see what happens. If i can do that, then i know i can cover the distance in Whistler, and then its just training for the hills and obstacles. So thats two half marathons... On in preparation for the other. Should be good right? Well after talking about running these two races, someone asked if i would run the "Run for a Cure" on their behalf. They can't cover the distance do to illness, but want someone to "represent", so... thats it - 3 half marathons, one year... More than a bit daunting to me to say the least. BUT i have a plan!! I've purchased a book from the running room on specific instructions for training, preparing and surviving half and full marathons - read it cover to cover - and now i have an 18 week training schedule. By the 3rd month i will be running an average of 45km weekly, and be up to runs as long as 18km once a week! Crazy if i can do it - but sounds absolutely ludicrous! So with all this running i still have to cross train in the gym, otherwise these obstacles won't be easily navigated. What does all this mean? It means i am going to be in the best shape ever! So as another form of accountability, to make sure i don't wander from my training schedule or meal plans, i've decided to post my weight, runs and training info here - as often as possible - at least weekly im hoping, and see exactly what transformation takes place. So if you want to see me succeed, or perhaps fail horribly, continue to follow and see where this takes me.

Oh ya, the Tough Mudder is a fund raising thing, designed to raise money for wounded soldiers, so this is the plug section of my blog. If you want to come up to Whistler and watch the shenanigans,  register on line at https://register.toughmudder.com/register/default.aspx?event=8330 and come watch (it is a $20 fee to watch the race, and it will cost more if you don't buy tickets in advance). You can also donate here http://www.raceit.com/fundraising/donate.aspx?event=6581&fundraiser=r2630840 (if you donate $50 you get a $15coupon off your spectator fee). The donations will help me reach my goal so i don't have to pay more to race (it already cost $125). Anyway, watch me suffer, help a soldier, enjoy the after party!

Ok, so the stats... Weight 215lbs
                           Last run pace 6.04/km (easy steady run)
                           Best 10km time - 51:43
                           


So thats it for now, check in and see whats what from time to time. Week one of 18 is almost done. When i get some more time i will discuss my trip to Cuba, the awesomeness of it and my friends, and all other things interesting and mundane. 

Girls and grammer.

The much anticipated post relationship post. I do it every time it seems, and i don't see any reason to not do it now. And like usual, i will explain that this is for me to clear my head and make sense of things - to be self analytical if such a thing exists. I have always believed that I'm to biased to analyze myself with any great success. But none the less i try, and maybe one day i can figure out exactly why i do what i do.What can i say about this one, and once more, should i say anything at all? Well without beating myself up too severely i will just cut to the chase. I think i share to much of my inner thoughts too early and too openly, AND i definitely think that i do more damage in the beginning then i would if i were to just shut up and let the relationship go where it wants to. I pushed this one away before she had a chance to get close, and by the time i was ready to get close, she was more than ready to get some distance. That's it in a nutshell i think. I mean there is always the other contributing factors like my "flakiness" to make it anywhere on time or with any reasonable amount of consistency. And lets not forget my BS attempts at being indifferent. Keep a girl at arms length too long and by the time you want to pull her in, she's long gone. I know there are other factors with this break up but I'll definitely wear the blame in this one. She was great, treated me amazing, and i just couldn't let my guard down fast enough to make her feel special back. Here's hoping she's not damaged goods because of me, and here's hoping I actually might have learned something here. Enough on the subject, whats done is done i guess...


So what now? Well i thought since i was all "reflecting" on my past experiences i should drag another skeleton out of the closet. Two days ago i was asked by a friend if i would return some belongings to another ex of mine. And i was completely shocked with how much of an impact it had on me. I was flooded with every emotion from anger to sadness to disbelief. I mean the idea of returning the stuff didn't faze me in the least. From the second day of break up all her things went in a bag in my closet and hasn't moved since. I don't want them, i don't need them, and i most certainly have no reason not to give them back. But for some reason it was like i needed her to suffer a little longer without her stuff before i gave it back, like it was some form of punishment for making me suffer. I can honestly say i spent the rest of the night and the whole next day with it in my head. I felt petty, stupid, and ridiculous for being difficult. It was the saddest behavior I've shown in some time. I truly was disappointed with myself for even thinking of not giving her belongings back to her...All that said i still haven't... I really don't know what the fuck is wrong with me? I guess she really did dig in deep, deep enough that all rational emotional behavior regarding the subject is still beyond me... LOL "rational emotional behavior". That is the biggest oxymoron ever! I can't believe i just typed that?! 

Anyway, what can i say. I really am sorry I've created some recipe for failure when it comes to girls, and hopefully i can get my shit together sooner rather then later... Side note "than and then" "than" is used in a comparison and "then" is used in a referral to time. IE "butter is better THAN margarine". " i went shopping THEN to the movies"... So in my first sentence of the this last paragraph did i use than or then correctly? I mean i am comparing sooner to later, but it is also in reference to time... Huh, have to figure that one out? Anyway, where was i? I lost my train of thought. Damn... Ok well that does it for now i guess....


So scattered...

Reminding me to post

Well here we are; Some serious time has past since my last post, and well i actually almost forgot i was still doing this. That was up until someone commented on one of my posts. Yes that's right people - someone anonymous posted. Do you know what that means? It means someone is actually reading this shit! AWESOME. Seriously though, it was a stark reminder to me that i don't write enough these days, and that i really should get some of the "angst" off my mind. So...

Ok so this comment on my post was, well, lets just say it was enough to get me to delete it. But then i started to think about it and realized, no i shouldn't have deleted it i should actually take the time to review their comment and rebut. So since i've already deleted the comment, i will re post it here. For all to see and enjoy. Im not happy they posted it, but im also not surprised. Its the narrow mindedness of people like this that reminds me there is a world of simpletons out there - all hiding in the realm of just enough knowledge to appear bright, until they really open their mouths. Like the old saying goes, "Its better to appear a fool, than to open your mouth and remove any doubt".
Oh right, the Comment. Well, to put it in context you will need to know what post this individual commented on... Here's the link

http://corysrabbithole.blogspot.com/2010/06/so-here-we-go-again-this-blogging-thing.html

Ok so now that you've read the post, i will share the awesome comment

"and all this coming from a guy who has a fucking tribal tattoo on his arm. way to be original, douche-bag."

Great right!? So what do you say when this is thrown at you? Do you get defensive? Mad? Maybe you look in the mirror yourself and take a hard look at what the world sees? Well at first i was all those things, mad, defensive, angry... Then i considered what this person was looking at. They clearly have seen my tattoo - so either they know me or there is a picture somewhere in my blog that shows my tattoo's. Either way they see a guy with some tattoo's and immediately run to "douche". So i have to ask myself, am i a douche? Well, lets see... I have tattoo's - check... And that's where it ends. I've considered it, looked inward and realized that all this person was able to form judgement on me was a tattoo. They must have just seen a photo - they can't have actually met me. I mean how can i be a douche? If they knew me, they'd know i was a father - and a damn good one. They'd know i own my own business and at one point owned and ran 2. they'd see my drive, motivation and determination, as well as bared witness to my unwavering loyalty to my friends. All and all not a douche id say. So what to reply back to this person...

In the end i don't think i can. Anything i say will just fuel more and more comments from this ignorant moron, and hey i shouldn't be upset about this, at least it was being read by someone ;)

Dark Comedy

Well its like some stupid joke that i just don't get. Everyone is laughing, only because every else is laughing. They don't understand it either and are laughing so no one knows they dont get it. Confused yet? Ya me too. Here is an example:


 Take for instance the round-a-bouts that are now scattered all over the Fraser Valley; specifically the ones about Abbotsford. The city built them, because someone told them they were more traffic friendly and efficient than traffic lights. Fewer accidents and less to maintain. So the city ran with what they were told. SOMEONE should have told the advisers that 95% of Fraser Valley drivers can't drive in circle, watch where they are going, and watch other cars moving at the same time! Seriously, if you have a populous that can barely operate a 4 way stop, how in the hell do you think they can manage a constant merging 4 way stop?! I mean it seems simple enough, just drive and when the road turns, you turn, If there is a car or truck coming, wait to turn... Huh, not to crazy right? I drive through two "panic circles" as the major populous treats them, every day going to work. And every day if it wasn't for my horn i'd still be parked behind someone who has to completely make sure the panic circle is empty before entering. And only upon honking do they actually lurch forward, at always the worst time to cut off someone or to just tease me that they might move. I could go on, but seriously, if you understand my pain you are a driver. If you're still laughing at the joke, maybe its time to buy a bus pass.


Another dark joke seems to be my current situation. I have somehow walked away from a good thing, only because i think that the good thing deserves a good thing. Only, really, i think i am a good thing so WTF am i thinking? And in the end whats worse here, being wrong or being right? Ah fuck it, i seriously need to fix my shit before my shit fixes me.
 All i really know is im tired of my own BS and emotional self destruction. Every day i seem to step into this armor and protect myself from any and all who might move to expose me. And every night i try and find a way for that person to get through the cracks and find me, only to panic when they do. I know i've gone on about this shit before, but honestly if i don't talk about it, er, write about it, then i don't think im going to be able to unravel it. So...


Oh another completely random dark joke seems to be my lack of ability to be in 3 places at once, although i can't help but try. Again its simple, there is only one of me, why do i make plans with 3 different people and then rather than just cancel on 2, i just run and shuffle and race to try and make everyone happy, all the while making myself miserable? So.Fucking.Funny. hahaha :(


Well, im still dying to hear the punchline, or at least one I understand, and i hope it comes fast. I miss the good, I miss the normality of it all, and i miss the comfort it brings. And although the chaos that is ensuing is in some strange way fun, i really could use the rest.

I've been thinking

So that was summer eh? Bummer... I mean really, it was fun, hot and all that - just seemed amazingly short! I didn't go camping, i didn't get to do nearly as much riding as i wanted to, and honestly i was kind of hoping to see more than one beach this year... Well, there's always next year i suppose. At least i did get some riding in - even if it wasn't a monumental road trip like i had originally hoped, again maybe next year. By then maybe I'll have my new bike, or new truck, or both?! Right, as soon as i win the lottery :)

Anyway things to say, and right off let me start by saying once again, this as always is a way for me to clear my head. I use this to vent, think, reflect and recycle my emotions, thoughts and problems. It is not used to air my BS, shake those around me that read it, or to drive home any secret messages that I'm not brave enough to say directly to you. If its important, if you need to hear it - believe me when i say, you'll hear it. Understand? Good...

So as of late I've been once again challenged in my thinking. I've been put into positions which have made me re-evaluate my thinking patterns, my goals and directions. In some cases its re-affirmed my stance and made me very clear on my ideals. In others its made me rethink my position, check my reality and question my resolve. In every case its had the same result; I know what i want, and what i don't want. I know where it is i want to go, and have a firm understanding of what i am willing to compromise on and what I'm not. So all in all a great exercise in self evaluation and i really have come to enjoy the challenges of my rationality. It's made me concentrate on the here and now, as well as made me really give energy to the planning of my future. I've wrestled with the idea of not getting into the RCMP, as well as formed a plan of action as a secondary option to that failure (OK, maybe not failure but... well you get it).

 I've also realized once again what is important in my life, and what things really make me happy. My life it seems, is starting to once again get on track. I'm happy, I'm confident, business is improving and so is my attitude. More than pleased with my social life, and starting to really open my eyes to what is necessary in my life in order for me to remain happy. BUT...

Always a but. Recently I've realized there are parts of me that still aren't over my past, and honestly I'm starting to worry if i will ever truly heal.  I understand all things take time, but whether it be a self defence system inertly ingrained in my being, or just straight out cowardice, in any event it sits there in the dark corners waiting for danger. At the very first sign of emotional risk it springs out and shuts down almost everything that is me. Its all i can do some days to keep it back, to remain calm and not run for my life. Other times i can push it back at will and move on. Yet still there are times it doesn't even rear its ugly head - like all is well in the world. I don't quite understand it, nor do i have any control over it, but its been a pain more than a few times in recent months. I would never have considered myself someone who carries their heart in their hand, but the scars of relationships past still plague me it seems. Clearly I'm not very good at the "love'em and leave'em" kind of relationship. A good friend told me that every relationship you get into you will inevitably fall in love. And that even when it ends, and you tell yourself you'll never feel that way again, it happens again, whether you want it to or not. So get used to the pain, and remember its as fleeting as the love. Good news or bad? Not sure how to take that. I do know i love the feeling of being loved, and need someone to hold. It seems to complete me - having that special someone. I'm sure that's the reality for most people out there, but its like some flash of genius hit me and I've suddenly realized it. Anyway i digress...

I guess the whole point of this entry was to share the fact that I've been thinking, and the outcome has been positive. I've been challenged, and I've come through the other side feeling renewed, refreshed and with clarity. The future is never certain, but i can say with certainty that I'm feeling good about my decisions, my direction, and the company that is getting me there. As always my friends are my strength - they say you can't choose your family - but i have, and I'm pleased with my selection.