I was told

If you're going to say I told you so, now's the time...

I miss being happy. I mean, really miss it. I have good days and I have bad days, like the rest of the world, but it just seems to be surface emotions day to day. At night, when I am alone, when the glitter and sparkle of my happy go lucky attitude slips away, that's when I'm left with what it was covering. Again, probably everyone feels this way from time to time, but the truth of it is, I never used to be like this. There were moments, real times in my life, when I was genuinely happy. As I wrote before, we have to learn how to be happy with ourselves, because that is who we spend the most time with. This is where I stumble, where the confusion really takes over, because in general I am happy with myself. I'm proud of my accomplishments and with where I've come from and where I'm going. As with all of us, things could be better as they sure as hell could be worse. So, is this what happy is supposed to be? Content with not being worse?

I've been told many times in my life that I am a codependent individual, with underlying issues around trust and abandonment and so - it makes sense that I have issues being alone. With my past it makes sense, but as I delve deeper into my own issues, read a few things, talk to some people, I've realized that I am truly happy when I have found love, acceptance and the feeling of being needed. Not the kind of "needed" like "fix my car, are you good with painting, I need help moving". I mean, I don't mind helping with that stuff, but being loved and needed by my friends is not the same as being loved and needed by a partner. It's this solid realization that has caused me to reflect and analyze my past relationships. It's in this analytical state that I've come to understand what really makes me feel whole.

With the above information in hand, let me first start by saying I have NEVER stayed in a relationship out of fear of being alone, nor have I ever started a relationship because I didn't want to be alone any longer. In the few relationships I've had, there has been a constant moral code to which I've held strongly. I've never said I love you until I've meant it, and I've always strived to be as honest and forthcoming as I can - even if it hasn't been in my best interest. That being said, I have been a poor communicator in the past, and perhaps still currently, but I am working on it. 

When I think back to the key moments of the best memories, look at some photos, reflect on the truly life changing events that made each moment more amazing then the last, the resounding message I get is the same. So go ahead, say it...

Anxiety Pie

The anxiety is real, palpable. I can feel it, taste it, and it stares back at me in the mirror - when I'm brave enough to look. It has me, there is no escaping it. It's been there for so long I don't think i could imagine life without it. I've learned to hide it, cover it, bury it, and deny it, and drown it - even going as far as embracing it, just to find a way to cope. Truth is I've been on the cusp of survival for so long I think I've actually forgotten how to live.

Today while sharing my current mental state I heard some words that really seemed to reach me to the core. Not therapy - I've tried that, but my kind of therapy. Friends. Real friends. The type of friends that tell you what they think, but recognize they aren't necessarily right, any more than I am. The people in your life that mean more. You know what I'm talking about. THE friends you wouldn't and most likely couldn't replace. Most of us have one or two, maybe if you're really lucky you have more than that. My point is, these are the friends you really want to talk to when shit is shit. When, regardless of the weather, it's a fucking storm out there... Or in here, if you catch my meaning.

The words! It seems overly easy to get distracted from getting to my point here, probably the anxiety attached to the statement, and the resulting affects there in...

"Genuine happiness will only come from within. You can change jobs, locations, lifestyles, lovers, anything you want. After the newness of the event wears away, you'll still be left with you. So make sure you know how to be happy. Don't assume that just happens or you know how to be happy. Realize it's something you have to work at, something you have to learn to do. And for the record, i still don't know what that looks like or how to do it, it's a developing skill that I've still yet to master."

(there is some paraphrasing here - and it's a combination of a few different conversations, but this was the overwhelming message).

HUGE statement, right!? I mean, solid ground breaking comments ( I mean for me anyway) followed up by, "good fucking luck"!

So as my day progressed and i was continually thinking on the conversations that started my day, I began to reflect. As like most things, we start to look for blame or error, tied to a specific event, that got you to where you currently are. That one or two solid turning points that pinpoint the exact moment shit went for shit. Then the real answer hit me like shovel to the face. My entire life has been a struggle, and those who know - know. I don't need to share the details because lets face it, we've all been through hell in our own ways. When i started to look at my "happy times" i realized they've all been sliced up by periods of shit throughout my life. The more i reflected, the more I realized my entire life could be broken down into a pie chart, and hey - who doesn't like pie?! Anyway, i think I've figured it out. Not how to be happy, and not how to make this anxiety go away, but figured out WHAT the key to happiness is... Ready?

If you chop your memories up into slices in a pie, then make each slice the proportional size of the duration of each event of happiness and misery, the whole goal is to have your pie be more good memories than bad. More good people in your life than not. More love, less hate. Simple right?

My take away here - for me, has 2 parts. Firstly i need to learn how to create good, happy memories without others being present. That, truly is a tough one. I'll let you know the moment I figure it out. The second is to surround myself with people that make me smile, make me happy, make me laugh. Enjoy the people that really do enrich and support me. That last sentence is key; regardless of who talks the most to you, who gives the most or perceived best advice, it's only the ones that truly care about how you cope, sleep, live, love and languish that matter. A quick side note; not all your close friends are the friends you think they are. Like any symbiotic relationship, they take as much as they give, if not sometimes more. Just be careful when digesting advise, and recognize how perhaps their advice might actually benefit them, after all self servitude is part of the above advice.

So, while I learn to live in my own skin, I will endevor to find some answers to my above noted questions and comments. Again, all this "realization" might not mean shit, nor does it guarantee I'll learn how to sleep the night through alone, but I still remain ever hopeful that at some point in my future, anxiety and I will part ways - if not forever, then at least for a period of time or two, now and again.


C

Years apart... Sorry dad.

Years apart... Seems suiting enough. I used to blog about what grinds my gears, then overtime I  started to write about what ails my heart. Shortly there after it became some muddied waters about cryptic shit that only my drunk self could possibly unwind. So here we are now... I'm drunk, so - lots has changed...

what can I say, I've had too much beer, wine, and two shots of wtf - lets just agree my judgement isn't the best tonight...

 I miss love ….What's new, right? Well, what can I say - having it isn't the same as losing it. At least every moment of it was real... Regrets... I've got bunches - but the biggest still haunts me - and will forever probably... But on the bright side - seems to be working out for the other party involved so - I should be happy for them in the end, right?

Moving on... WTF is with the whole politically correct "people" of our world? I mean seriously my own kid said "trades people" today... ugh... Get the fuck over yourself you sensitive mother fuckers! Seriously though, how is it 80 years ago young men were throwing themselves to the fray on some bs beach for freedom, and today safe places are required just to get through the week... Honestly, my own father (if he were alive) would be kicking the shit out of me just for sharing this much publicly... We should all be ashamed.

Government leaders: WTF ARE YOU THINKING? uh duh?! That's all I'm saying.

I know super vague... Eat it.

moving on with Vague;

• I'm sorry
• I wish I could turn back the clock (everyone)
• you deserved better (in the end)
• I was fucking great to you!
• I've never betrayed you
• if I could, I would (turn back time - cue Tina Turner.. That was her song, right?)
• I won't apologize for being honest
• You know I'm the win
• Shamrock shakes - still a family favorite
• brie
• dice
• paper straws suck

I did say Vague.

I guess the takeaway here is; I'm writing because I need to. I'm drunk. I'm sorry, and I miss you... And it's St.Patrick's day soon... And I'm not a fan of current world leaders - do better when you vote people. Millennial "what about me" mentality is shit!... Oh, and I'm still cryptic and stuff... Sorry, dad.

What am I waiting for?

So is it fair to say that turn around is fair play? No, I don't think that's what I meant... How about what goes around comes around... Yeah that's closer to the mark. Why is it always when you want something the most it's least likely to happen, but when others want it for you, you're more likely to miss the opportunity? I don't really have it in me to use some cryptic euphemism or witty comparison to spell it out tonight. I don't really feel like it either, other than to say that I'm feeling like I missed the boat. That my lack of vision or inability to articulate my needs and wants has once again placed me here. It's beyond sad really, and I don't really know how to deal with it. In one hand I can do nothing, and let time go by and see where I end up. In the other I can force it, and who knows; It might work out, it might fall completely apart and leave me worse off then the way I feel now. I guess in either event I am still the master of my own demise - it's just how it comes about I will have control of... Assuming crushing failure falls on either decision that is... 

I have never been one to just accept my fate, but inevitably it seems all the drama in my life usually is brought on by my own choices, or lack of them. Inspiration or desperation, either way change will be upon all of us in time, I suppose. So why is it when I'm inspired I can't force the change, but when I'm desperate change can't happen fast enough? Again, going nowhere here...

Perhaps I'm a coward? Wouldn't be the first time I've been called one, wouldn't be the first time I've thought it myself.  My lack of courage lies in different scenarios  than what most would think. I know I do not fear violence, pain, injury, maybe not even death. Heights aren't a killer nor is speed, the dark, or closed spaces. Not even spiders...BUT I do have fears... I'm ridiculously afraid of shark attack, which considering I'm in the ocean maybe 5 days out of 365 makes it so unlikely, but yet it's still there. I'm no fan of scary movies either, but I've been known to be coerced into seeing a few - still afraid though. No, my lack of courage, my real fear lies in something far more terrifying, far more sinister... I'm afraid of being vulnerable. What makes this fear so entirely crushing? I am vulnerable. I am and have been for a very long time. It is paralyzing. I am completely frozen, unmoving, unblinking, like a dear in headlights. I find myself once again completely exposed and at the mercy of another, and I'm afraid. Afraid if I do nothing things will not go the way I want them to. Afraid if I force what I want I will push away the entire opportunity. Completely terrified that I've already done that and once again my boat has sailed...

I do know this. Change is upon me. It has to be, as I know I can't continue much longer like this. I want more, I deserve more, and I'm worth more. All I have to do is ask...

But then what happens?

Don't read this!

I have anxiety. Fear. sadness. pain. love. regret. pride. anger. shame. Just to name a few. I feel as if at any moment one feeling will betray the next and it's terrifying to me. I go from smiling and rocking out on a drive down the highway to tears if specific songs come on. 4 minutes later a good summertime song comes on and I'm smiling again... My emotions have become my master, and I feel completely helpless to them. Somewhere in the stretch of time between no longer caring to caring too much I seem to have lost all emotional control. For a guy who has been called cold, detached and emotionally void, the pendulum sure has swung the other way. Is it fair to say that life has made me this way? Is it some sort of emotional wall built over years of pain, betrayal and disappointment that abruptly and without notice, just crumbled away and let a flood of everything wash upon me? What once shielded me has become my destroyer and I still have yet to learn if that is the worst or best thing for me... I no longer feel protected. I fear being this exposed but at the same time recognize that the emotional hardness I once held has caused me more pain than it kept out. Right?!

We all have reasons to be untrusting, we have all been betrayed at one point in our lives. We all have known heartbreak. Love and hate is not new to any of us. I am not special - I know. So how is it that everyone else around me seems to hold it together day in and day out without much effort, while silently I stew in a pot of emotional torment not knowing what to do or what to say, and question everything far more than I should. I read a meme just the other day that said if over thinking burned calories I'd be dead. It most certainly feels that way to me. I think to much. Sometimes I wish I could think about something constructive when I'm like this, at least it would be productive, not just useless rambling...

Life is not bad. I am happy, I think. I could be happier - so everyone of us would say, so again I'm not any more or less special than you. Money, stress, work, love, family, etc etc.  Some days are better than others we'd all agree, but the big hook in my days lately has been this emotional rollercoaster for certain. Therapists would say talk about your feelings to undo the anxiety or stress of them, but I can't even begin to put my finger on the why of it. Have you ever realized that most times life just goes on with or without you, and a good amount of the speed bumps you hit are usually brought on by yourself just creating bs that didn't need to happen anyways? Is this, that? lol.

What do I know - I'm even thinking now that I probably just wasted 5 minutes of your day by writing something that really doesn't help anyone, including myself. I guess the best thing to do is get some rest, try not to think too much about shit I don't control, can't control and definitely don't understand.

Sorry for the above drivel - I had hoped it would help clear my mind, but instead it just made me feel even more...