Two Posts in a Row!!

Well here it is, the unthinkable! Two posts - back to back WTF? Well what can i say, my mind is busy, really busy, and honestly its not getting much better. So might as well get some stuff off of my mind.

Bad luck happens in 3's so they say, and im at number 2 now... 3 might just actually kill me. My last post, im sure if you know me at all, know what im talking about. What can i say - i want my life back. It was almost as perfect as it could be, and i haven't been that happy, and that in love forever... How i ever fucked that up is still not clear, but god damn what i wouldn't give...  Then last night, can you believe my ex is moving away with my kids??? Well actually trying to move away with my kids. I don't want to impede her future, honestly, i don't care - and if it works for her, good job. BUT i have no intention of watching my kids move 4 hours away because it better suits her. Now, her argument is that if im ever accepted by the RCMP i will be moving anyway, so it shouldn't matter. My counter point is, im not accepted yet, AND i would be leaving - not leaving and taking the kids. So... Can she wait till the RCMP says yes? Will she wait? Oh and what happens if they say no?? I can't see where this is going to get anywhere but ugly. Listen, if all the ducks line up, than great... I get the RCMP job, she moves, kids are as happy as they can be expected to be. Win - win for everyone. Ok i know the boys lose a bit, but honestly a few years with only long weekends or holidays with dad will suck, but in the end dad having a job that pays almost 100k a year with a pension and benefits, will serve them much better later in life... We would lose now for what we gain later. BUT that is all if everything goes right... Doubtful. The reality of this situation is undeniable; if she wants to move for better weather, cheaper cost of living, better job opportunities, then go... But leave the boys behind. Why should they move neighborhoods, schools, lose friends, and change everything in their lives, so that she can see if she can make a go of it somewhere else. I can't join the RCMP, move to Fort Nowhere, and expect that she would let me take the boys away, so why does she think  she can do it to me??

Ok so recap time... First and foremost, i need to see if im going to get in the RCMP - no point in fighting with my ex to not move the kids if im going. Secondly, no point in trying to figure out how to make things work with you know who, if im leaving anyway. BUT, if at this moment i was asked to choose, and i knew i could get her back, and keep my kids close, honestly i think i might decline the RCMP... Wow, that does say a lot doesn't it.

Well, there it is. A very simple answer to all that has pulled me down... Obviously love and my kids are more important to me than a career. I mean, yes a good career and both, perfect, but if i had to choose one or the other - right this second... I choose her, i choose happy vs successful.  I would rather have my family and life than money and future security.

Boy i can't believe how much i've changed in the past 2 years - business and financial success was my total focus... Now its secondary to me being happy, secure, and having my loved ones close.

What to do...

Well once again i've waited far too long to make a post, no doubt i've left all of you in the dark so long that no one is reading this anymore. So i will continue to write for my sake only,  and perhaps it will help me sort the chaos of late that is swimming in my brain.

Recently i did the stupidest thing ever... I threw away something that was absolutely incredible. Yep, the best thing to happen to me in the last 6 years or so, and i just wasted it away like it was nothing. Now, after i settled down, thought it out and really reviewed my situation, i realize a few key points that i might have over looked in my life. First off, when you find happiness, and i mean real happiness, don't take it for granted. I most certain did. Secondly, i never thought i would ever fight and struggle again for something that could be fleeting, up until i lost it, and now want nothing more than to have it back. I've also discovered that regardless of caution, care or concern for a situation like this, i can't help but fully invest myself into it - no longer do i think i will be able to sit on the sidelines and wait to see what happens if i just let it happen. I think i will continually be stepping back and looking in to see what things really are.  Not over analytical but just to create a reference point. I know, this is all very cryptic but as i said in the very beginning this blog is for my brain, and perhaps your amusement. I know what im talking about, sorry if you don't. And maybe the biggest lesson here, the most important thing that one has to remember, especially in this current situation, is; it is not possible to show someone something that they don't want to see. You can say what you want, you can sell it as hard as you can, but in the end if others don't feel the same, there's not much you can do. So my point here is, if its good - really good, don't fuck it up.

There are several points in my life, that if given the opportunity to go back and change things, like most, i certainly would. BUT, the hardships and trials that i've been through have led me to what i recently had,  and if i were to turn back the clock, i honestly think it would be only far enough back to stop me from making this mistake. Maybe one day this will be a Hollywood story, of something great that was lost, and came full circle to being found again, but in truth its more a hope than a reality.  Like Hollywood; great stories, great emotion, mostly fantasy...

Oh wow!

Seriously? I haven't said boo since Christmas. Huh, well, boo!

What the heck people? Half my motivation to blog, is to see others blog too - Like Tammy's tale? WTF is with that, no posts in 4 months??? Seriously lame. I get to say that because i blogged 3 months ago and am doing it now - so i win. Same goes for "My big fat blog"... WTF another 4 month stretch. Not cool ladies, just not cool. Well ,so here i am chastising you two for doing nothing, and well, i really haven't been doing much either. UNTIL TODAY!!! Thats right people, tada!! Stuff! Right now, right here, happening!

So whats new you might ask? Well, say it, ASK. I completely have this image of you, sitting in front of your computer, mouthing the words, "whats new?" Idiot... Well, lets see... I started working with my friend painting cars and such - part time to help with cash. Cool work, neato science, but dirty filthy work. Business is better at VCAT, not great, but not horrible - just starting to turn the corner, so hopefully this is the year we get caught up. What else... Oh, im still seeing the same amazing beautiful girl ive been seeing since last summer... I guess thats not new though - well then again, its probably new for me. I also have continued my long arduous journey in trying to be a cop - still think it would be a very cool job, and still think i probably won't make it. Im not being hard on myself, im just being honest. Physically im ready, mentally im prepared, but lets face it, i've got lots of water under my bridge, and im not exactly what could be called a saint. So, we will see. Worse case is they say no. Then what you ask. Go ahead, ASK. LOL, again i've got this image of you... Well i figure baring being a cop, i might as well try and finish other things that i've been doing for years... Probably chase my GCA goal. Been doing books for years, and if i can't be a cop, then an accountant most likely will be the next direction. I KNOW. Crazy direction change from cop to accountant, but honestly, im good at numbers, i understand books, and well, the paycheck is good. most likely will take me several years to get there, so by the time im 45 and boring, i can be an accountant, which for obvious reasons, most likely will be boring as well - perfect match. Gym is at the forefront again, as well as running. Which is a good thing, because i was starting to gain weight again, and my jeans were no longer requiring a belt... But since the push back to the gym hard, and the increase in running, its all turning around again. Sitting at about 223 today, which is still up 9lbs from last summer, but down from the 232 i hit right after Christmas. I have a bet with Tammy for some weight loss for the end of ...May? Or was it June? I can't remember, but god damn it, im not gonna lose. She is a pro at this stuff and has a wicked track record, but hell - i don't like losing - way to competitive for that shit. Besides if im not careful  and let myself go, won't i be the biggest hypocrite alive.

Um, ya this is usually where i can give you a "grinds my gears" kinda rant, but hell, its FAF today, and im feeling pretty good. I know my blog sounds like its all roses, which i suppose is a great outlook on things, but you all know its nothing but hard work, broke, struggling day by day living here and out there. I just don't feel like bitching today - which makes it a great day to talk to me - stupid people most likely won't get fucked right off right away today. Maybe my mood is good because i get to see my girl tonight AND tomorrow night. Ya i know, crazy right? I won't get into it now, but lets just say our work schedules conflict heavily, and being together often has had its challenges. None the less, not this weekend, not tonight or tomorrow, which is probably the major reason for the better mood. That, and again, it is FAF.

Later! (hopefully not to much later :) )

Merry Fucking Christmas

             So where to begin. Well first off, I'm sorry, i apologize for my late postings, i have been very self absorbed as of late, and just can't seem to find the time these days. I will do my best to make a greater effort to write more frequently for you people. Wouldn't want my loyal fan base of 4 to be disappointed. There, apologies out of the way, on to other things.
          
            MERRY CHRISTMAS! Happy New Year! BLAH BLAH BLAH... Seriously, you can all take your good spirits and stuff em right up your merry asses! I grow exceeding wary of all this good will towards men, and happy cheery BS. The economy is still fucked, money is still stupid tight, and yet we still all seem to feel the need to spend money on a bogus amount of gifts because someones Messiah was born on an upcoming day. And lets just not get carried away here, its not like this is the first "god" like being to be born on Dec 25th. Do some homework people and before you condemn me to a burning hell after life, realize that one book just re-wrote what another book had already written, again and again, so long as there has been written word... Bill said it best when he described religion. If a few people believe in a zombie that can walk on water they are crazy, but if a few million believe, then its religion! My point being - I'm tired of the commercialization of a holiday, I'm tired of religion - all of them. And I'm especially tired of people passing on the Christmas spirit like they just watched Scrooged 25 times in a row... This is the same assholes than not two weeks ago, and two weeks from now that will speed up if you try and pass them, not signal, cut you off in lines, give you the finger, steal a parking spot and most likely spit on you rather than talk to you any other given day of the year. But because "tis the season" we all should just roll over and be nicer. Well fuck me, if ever a hypocrisy existed... Enough about that. Sorry but i just couldn't keep it in any longer.

            My gym still goes OK, if not a little less motivated than usual. Running is OK, and should be back on track as soon as i get my treadmill re-assembled. Ya it broke, i took it apart, ordered the part, its now arrived - damaged, but i think i should still be able to use it. I will put it together tomorrow most likely, and if all goes well, should be back to 4-6 miles twice a day. Eating still is an issue for me, and i recognize emotional eating patterns. This is going to stop. Well that's the diet/health thing in a nut shell...

          Turning 38 next month and i have to say I'm more than a little disappointed with how long it has taken for me to move forward in my life. Things should be back on track and heading in all the right directions by now, god its been over a year, and still I'm dragging my ass. Don't know what the issues are, but i seriously have to move through them. Finishing school hopefully by end of January, and with any luck the RCMP will say yes, and i can be a cop by year end of 2011... Who knows, but at least its a direction right. Failing that, i might just decide the Army calls, if i can get the boys behind me. Otherwise its back to the grind and try and figure out what in my life is missing or broken. Anyway this is my pre-holiday blog, I'm sure i will have lots more to say post this great season.

         Thanks for listening - er reading, or whatever.

Never again?!

Never again. Simple words, entirely straight and to the point. Very easy to understand, never really requires any thought or interpretation. Only one catch; you can't forget what it was you'd never let happen again. That is the hard part. What exactly was it that you said would never again happen, and why did you say it to begin with, and more importantly did you say it with any resolve, or was it just a bad moment? And then there's the final factor. Is there wiggle room? Is there an allotted amount of "give" to this resolve, or is this a resolute unwavering line that will never again be crossed? Can your promise to yourself be softened, relaxed and used more as a guideline, rather than a rule? Oh and this is a good one, and is there an exception to breaking the rule, ignoring it, or perhaps letting it "slip" once and awhile? What ever are the penalties, punishments or consequences to being less to yourself?
Lots of questions to one simple statement, and questions i find need answers, now rather than later. So many times i get the warning in my head, the pain in my stomach that reminds me, warns me, prods me to remember my resolve, and all the while questions me to why i ever made it. Its like chasing something unknown through the dark, only to catch it and not understand or remember why you were chasing it at all. I can't even say its frustrating, more perhaps disappointing than anything else. Every fibre in my being is screaming at me, and for the life of me, i can't understand what its saying. Is this what the jumper on the bridge is doing? Is he standing there for long hours, fucking up traffic and every ones day by listening to the screams, trying to decipher if they are saying, "no don't do it!" or "jump, do it!"? What exactly is it saying to me, and why can't i remember what it was i wasn't going to let happen again? Was is it that i was never again going to be complacent with my life and how i move through it day in and day out? Or was it that i would never again let myself be open to getting hurt, build my walls and hide behind them? OR was it i would never again hide behind them?! Would i never again be trusting, or was it never again let my heart blind my mind, or my heart should always lead?  Was it a blanket coverage of "never again", meaning i would never again let all these things happen; even though they contradict one another quite often. Was i never again going to let my life slide by without the steering wheel firmly in my hand, Never going to be fooled by my heart, or lose the opportunity to love because of my head? Whatever it was and however it was said, it seems to be pounding on my door, and either im terrified to open it and look, or im trying desperately to get it open and can't get the lock undone, either way it's near unbearable.
Too many times, too many lives, too many. And every time it returns me to here, a crossroads of sorts. Keep on going on, or time to make a hard right, or firm left and drive my way, my direction, for me. At what point is it ok to push my life, my destiny in my favor, damning all others around me to sort out the mess? Or is it cowardice? Should i continue to bare the burdens of my responsibilities and justify my existence as necessary for others, or do i place myself first at all other costs. And christ if i do, am i breaking my resolve, or strengthening it? Its maddening!

Wow, just read my prattle and realized how fucked up my head is right now, sorry for the Edgar Allen Poe drivel i spewed, WTF  right??? No worries, all will be good, in time. Till then...

WTF is with drivers today? Yep serious question, and as you are mostly all driving ask yourself this... If you were walking to the movies and someone walked quickly past you, would you speed up so they didn't get in a line before you? And if someone was walking in front of you, and stopped, would you yell at them, maybe scream a profanity, and run around them? If you were in an elevator and someone was trying to get in when you were trying to get out, would you be polite and let them in, then step out, or would you just jump out in front of them and give them a dirty look? Point here, drive like you walk. Don't be a jerk, be courteous, give a little. Or some of us will drive like we walk... With a big stick!